Dear Momma, You Can Do This

I originally posted this almost exactly one year ago, today.

I left it up for - was it a day, maybe two?

And then I took it down. I had so much doubt, so much shame, so much guilt. I didn’t want anyone to read it, so it went back into the draft storage.

I found it the other day, and thought yes. Now it’s time to share this - this is a testament to how much I have grown this last year. How much more I have been able to separate from my depression, and to heal.

So read this story, and think about your own journey. Where are you at? Where do you want to be one year from now?

And how will you get there?

———

When I was struggling with postpartum depression, I wanted desperately to know that I was going to be okay. To know that just because I was struggling didn’t mean that I was doomed as a mom. I wanted to know that I could still mother my kids properly. I wanted to know that my life was still worth living.

My future was dark, even with my loving husband and beautiful healthy children. I knew I had so much to be grateful for and nothing to complain about. And yet I felt hopeless, and guilty for these thoughts and feelings. I wanted someone to show me the way out. The way felt too hard for me; not clear which direction I should go, let alone what the next step was.

I never wanted to commit suicide- I knew that I couldn’t take my own life. But I prayed to die. I prayed that God would take me while I slept so I wouldn’t have to live anymore. It was too hard to be alive and I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore.

If this is how you feel in this moment in your life, then this is for you.

              Dear Momma,

              You can do this. Everything feels so hard right now, even the simple acts of getting out of bed and feeding your kids. You don’t have energy. You don’t have the words to explain how you are feeling. All the thoughts and emotions confuse you; where did they come from? Why do I feel this way? You feel guilty for thinking these kinds of things – what kind of a mom am I to have such dark thoughts? What kind of a mom am I to feel like leaving my husband and children? Do I love them even? If I loved them wouldn’t I want to stay with them always?

              Know that these are common thoughts, that many moms have them at some point. They are just hard to share and talk about because of the depth and darkness of them. We fear that we are the only one to have felt such a way, that nobody could ever understand how we feel. But the only way to get past them is to share them. Get them out in the open and off of your chest. You will be surprised that they aren’t met with a “How could you think something like that?” Instead they are met with an understanding look and an “I know. I’ve been there.”

              Just because you think these things doesn’t mean that you aren’t worthy, that you aren’t a good enough mom. It doesn’t mean that you weren’t supposed to be a mom or that you don’t love them enough. It simply means that you are struggling right now. It means something in your daily life is lacking. It could be that your husband has been busy and you feel overwhelmed with the kids. It could be that you aren’t taking enough time to take care of yourself, in the way that matters most to you. It could be that you aren’t taking the time to enjoy your kids, to find ways to have fun with them. Find what will pull you out of this darkness.

              Because there is light ahead. You might not be able to see it right now, but it is there ahead of you. Take any step in that direction, no matter how small it might be. As long as you are moving forward.

              And let me say again, that you can do this. It is worth the effort it will take.

Happy In My Everyday

I look at pictures from Ireland, a small town in Australia, the coast of California, islands in Southeast Asia. I dream of traveling here and everywhere, finding myself along the way. I dream of being lost in moments, of big revelations about myself and the world around me. Everything would be mystical, magical, wondrous.

It’s so easy to dream about this and wish that I had taken those years to travel and find myself before getting married, before becoming a mom. I thought that I knew what marriage and motherhood was all about. I knew that this was how I wanted to spend the rest of my life: with my husband and twenty children by my side.

I’m now in the thick of it, having been pregnant or breastfeeding for the majority of seven and a half years. The fairytale-ness of being a mom has since lost its luster. It’s easy to feel tired of the monotony of it all; the diaper changes, laundry, house chores, kids that try my patience. It’s easy to feel sorry for myself, that I don’t have enough time for just me.

I believe that my life doesn’t have to be this way thought. I believe that it can be more than me being ready for bed time at five pm everyday. It won’t be all mystical and magical every step of the way, but I need to find those moments that are and savor them.

Instead of being frustrated about attempting to find myself in between wiping this boogie nose and that poopy bum, I need to revel in the fact that I am finding myself. Motherhood makes me be more, it doesn’t let me sit on the couch and do nothing all day. My kids need me, and I need me, to get back up and try again. To make my reality my new dream.

It’s okay to dream about other options, to be open to new possibilities. But I’m not going to let those stop me from seeing the magic of my everyday.

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.               -Helen Keller

Trusting The Timing Of Your Life

Trust in the timing of your life.

It’s easy to wonder what it would be like if things had gone differently. If we hadn’t gotten married young, maybe it wouldn’t have been so hard. If I hadn’t miscarried that baby, I wouldn’t be struggling right now. If I had gone here instead of there, maybe it would be different. If this hard time in my life had happened later, maybe I would’ve handled it better. How hard it can be to trust that everything happened at exactly the right time and in exactly the right way.

What if everything in your life happened exactly as it was supposed to?

Think about that.

All of your mistakes, your failures. All of your wrong choices; or what you view as wrong choices. Everything happened exactly as it should’ve. And do you know why it was supposed to go that way? Because it did.

Think about how much less suffering you will have in your mind, just by not fighting with reality. When we are constantly arguing in our mind with what we should’ve done, or would’ve done, if only we would’ve known, we are fighting a losing battle. There is no going back, there is no changing the past. It is what it is. Of course we know logically that we can’t go back, but yet our mind is still sitting there replaying all of the better options that we just. Should’ve. known!

I want you to bring up something from your past, big or small, that you wish you could change. Something that you think you could’ve made a better decision on. Or something that you think your life would be better now without. And as you think about this situation, ask yourself “What if this happened exactly as it was supposed to?”

No, I mean exactly as it should’ve. Regardless of whether you made a bad choice, or someone else made a bad choice – regardless of any negative outcome.

Really let this concept sink into your mind. Do you feel peace? Do you feel acceptance? How does your view of that situation change? Does your mind quiet down? Does it quit throwing all of the what ifs and if onlys at you?

Everything happens for a reason. We may not always know the reason. But trusting that it did brings so much peace with it. This way, we can quit fighting the losing battle of arguing with the past.

I was meant to be married young, so that Nic and I would grow together. I was meant to become a mom at 20, so that I would find myself in motherhood. Or maybe I will never know why things happened the way they did. I can trust though, that God has a plan for me and that He will take care of me as He leads me through this journey.

I can spend time wondering how my life would be different if things had gone another way. But God knows what I need and when I need it. It might not always be in the time that I want, or in the way I want it, but He knows better than me.

I can trust that this is a better life for me than anything else that might’ve happened.

How To Be a Happy Mom

When I was first struggling with postpartum depression, I would google this over and over. How to be a happy mom. How do I be happy? I was hoping for a book, an article, something with a step by step guide that I could follow to just be happy. I thought it would be easier for me to climb out of the darkness with someone showing me the way.

What I found were many stories on endless forums of moms just accepting that they don’t like to be a mom. That they won’t ever want to be a mom. These of course aren’t very encouraging to read, but I also didn’t want to accept this fact. I knew that there had to be a way to enjoy being a mom more than I was.

I also found articles on learning to have fun again, of making sure that not all of your interactions with your kids were negative. To get down on the floor with them and play even for five minutes. Of taking time for yourself and doing whatever it is that fills you. Yes, I thought, this is what I need. But how??

I would start the day with great intentions of taking time to play with my kids, to cross items off my to do list while also setting aside time to paint or sew. Some days I accomplished some of these, but many days I found myself crawling into bed at night wondering where I failed. Why didn’t I have the energy, the motivation, the patience to do these things that I so wanted to do? I also knew that if I did them, I would feel better, so why wasn’t I doing them?

The problem my friend, was this: I was trying to change my habits, my actions, my behaviors, without changing my thoughts. I’m sure you’ve heard that saying that goes along these lines - “what you think becomes your actions. Your actions become your life.” But have you ever actually stopped and thought about that?

Our thoughts create our life.

Literally. What we think and believe shows up in our relationships, our houses, what we do and don’t do with our time – it shows up in everything. So, it’s as simple and as complicated as that: In order to be a happy mom, you need to change your thoughts. This is a list of a few “how to’s”:

1.       Create new thoughts to think that are in alignment with the life that you want to live. Now this isn’t just think positive all the time! This is becoming aware of which thoughts are creating results in your life that you don’t want, and finding a new thought that you believe to think instead.

2.       Accept the 50/50 rule for emotions. You will not be happy all of the time – not only is it not possible, but you actually wouldn’t want to be. About half the time you will feel good, and the other half you will feel not good. Being a human means feeling all of the feels. Some of them aren’t enjoyable, but guess what? It’s life.

3.       Quit beating yourself up when you aren’t happy. Quit feeling bad about feeling bad. Did you know that when you feel crappy, and then you feel crappy about feeling crappy, you feel even more crappy? Right? So if you feel bad, tell yourself that it’s okay to feel this way. The emotion will pass, you won’t stay there forever I promise.

4.       Take responsibility for your own happiness. It’s easy to think well if my husband did this then I would be happy or well if my kids just listened to me I would be happier. And yes I’m sure we all would be happier if our kids didn’t try our patience so much. But that’s not the point. The point is that no matter what is happening outside of your control, you are always responsible for your emotions.

5.       Know that it’s a work in progress. These are things that we need to work on every single day. This is a process that you will go through for the rest of your life. Oh, how many times I’ve wished that I could just wake up one day and have it all figured out, to be how I want. But there is no destination here, the journey is the destination. I don’t particularly like that saying, but it’s true. Quit waiting for the someday that everything will be exactly as you think it should be because that day won’t come. Instead just keep learning, and love yourself as you go.

This work of diving into my thoughts, of becoming aware of my thoughts, and of changing the thoughts that I’m thinking, has been challenging but so worth it. To work on taking out the ones that aren’t serving me in my life, and create the new thoughts that I want to think is literally life changing. It’s one thing to learn a new concept, and a whole other story to actually apply it in life.

This is the work that I want to do in the world. I want to help moms realize that their happiness, joy, contentment, whatever it is that they want to feel, is attainable through becoming aware of their thoughts. This is what I call a heart centered work. If this resonates with you, make sure to sign up on my email list to get notified of when my coaching program will be available. (The link wasn’t working for a while, so if you haven’t been getting any of my emails you will need to sign up again.)

Happiness is an inside job, truly an inside job.

That Bump In My Heart

Emerson walks downstairs with a dry night-time diaper and is so incredibly proud of himself.

Gus doing his best to be funny and make me laugh, clearly needing some love and approval.

Rosie looks up at me from her journey crawling around the living room and her eyes instantly crinkle with her biggest smile.

Guin sits next to me on the couch, reading a complete book without any prompting from me.

These little moments when that love just takes over my heart. When I feel awe and wonder that We made that thing. Isn’t it incredible?

Allowing these moments to make an imprint on my mind. To just sit in the now and breathe it in. To be grateful.

The more that I give attention to times like these, the more my mind searches for them. Throughout the day I find myself looking for those small things that I’m grateful for. I notice that when I get upset I’m quicker to get out of my rut and back on track.

Do you have a gratitude practice? Every day for one week, try writing down three things that you are grateful for and why. It doesn’t have to be long, but you have to truly feel grateful for them.

Notice the difference it brings to your day.

Letting Go

Why is it so hard to tell someone, “I had depression”? Or “I struggle with depression”? The shame that I associate with it; that I’m weak, broken. I’m not actually as good of a mom because I didn’t love being a mom during that time. I still did my daily tasks, but they weren’t done with love.

Or the guilt that comes with that word, because I never experienced some great traumatic experience. I don’t feel that I’m allowed to feel depressed since I don’t have anything real to be depressed about. Many other people have gone through way harder times than I have, so I shouldn’t be depressed.

But loss is loss. In order to get past what you’re missing, you need to allow yourself to grieve. Once you have grieved the old story, only then can a new story start.

I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I couldn’t wait for the day that I would have my very own husband and my very own babies. I wanted a house with everyone just crammed right in there, a house full of love and noise. I married Nic when I was 19 years old, and on our first anniversary we had a two-month-old daughter. My long-awaited dream was now my reality, only it didn’t feel like a dream. It felt like normal life, except that my spark for life wasn’t burning bright. It wasn’t every day that I felt depressed- there were definitely good days in that first year of Guin’s life. But my overall memory of that year is that I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t living true to myself.

I missed my family and the place that I used to call home. I missed my friends and hanging out at Starbucks for hours on end. I missed the stores that I used to shop at, and seeing the mountains in the distance as I drove home from work. I loved Nic and my daughter, but I also missed being single and free. And I felt terrible for missing that, especially; I felt that I shouldn’t miss it. It wasn’t fair to my new family to feel that way.

But it’s okay to miss the past, and to grieve the fact that your life now isn’t what you thought it would be like. Let go of the guilt, fear, shame, and whatever else that you are holding onto with your old story. I believe that everything that happens has a purpose.

There is a reason your life is this way today.

Feeling Balanced

I have another baby on it’s way into this world. It is cooking and growing inside of me, just as the other four did for nine months. People ask, “Isn’t that crazy that you are expecting number five already? Can you believe it? How do you feel?”

As long as I have somewhat of a balance in my life with my most important needs being met, the thought of adding another newborn to the mix makes my heart swell. Of course, I wonder about how the kids will transition, how baby will be and sleep (please, please be a good sleeper like the others!), and how the rhythm of our days will change. But overall, I am excited to meet this little one and welcome him (is it a him? Am I right?) into our family.

This winter has been a breather for me. We’ve been lucky to go on multiple vacations, Nic’s work hours haven’t been crazy like last fall. We have made date nights a priority. My mental health has been good overall, I must be at a space where my hormones are balanced. Most days I wake up feeling excited about today’s possibilities and feeling so grateful for all of my blessings. That in itself is a blessing, to feel truly grateful.

There are moments that I feel overwhelmed by my life, but they are simply moments. I have been conscious of my needs and I make them a priority so that I feel like I can handle life. So that I can bounce back quicker when I fall into those ruts. In those hard moments though, I can’t imagine adding another baby to the mix. I can’t see how I will be able to do all this – plus a newborn.

The solution? Create balance before baby is born.

Find your non-negotiables. What are the few things that you need on a regular basis in order to feel like your life is mostly under control and you enjoy living? Make those your priority and work at putting them into your daily rhythm. It will shift when baby is born, but if you have the habits started it will be much easier to continue.

Allow the simple things to fill that space inside of you. Sometimes it would be nice to get out for a whole day at a spa, to travel somewhere new, or do something more extravagant, but it just isn’t realistic. DO schedule that in for when it’s possible, but don’t wait for that day to come to get a breather. Let the twenty-minute walk reset your mind. Stay up the extra ten minutes after the kids go to bed to write down three things that you are grateful for. Let these be enough.

Know what makes you happy, what makes you light up, and actually put it into practice. That’s the hard part. It’s so easy to know that going for a walk would make you feel better, but instead you sit down with your phone and waste those minutes doing something that doesn’t recharge you. The more often you do it though, the easier it gets to choose it.

Choose to do what lights you up. Your kids see that too.

An Empty Cup Doesn't Pour

I never knew how much I would have to give as a mom; I could’ve never imagined it before becoming one. I knew it wouldn’t always be easy, that there would be hard days. But I thought that I would be able to handle those hard days. They can’t be that bad. Some days though, I’m not so sure I can.

I don’t always want to be so giving or selfless. I don’t always feel like putting them first. Sometimes I just want to worry about me. To take a break from all the giving of myself and just give to myself instead.

This is why self care is so important especially as a mom. If you’re running on empty, there’s nothing to give. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Although it’s not always easy, your kids need you and they need what you give them.

You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of them. Find those things that fill you up inside and do them. Every day. Find what works for you, whether it’s waking up before them, during naptime, after they go to sleep… or locking them in the closet with some chocolate? Or locking yourself in with that chocolate? But make sure to carve out the hour or two to do what makes you – the girl inside the mom – happy. Because you need to be running on fuel, not fumes, in order to run your family.

We fight many things to make this time for ourselves. Outside forces such as house chores or kid interruptions. Inside forces like mom guilt or tiredness. Yes, mom guilt is a thing. Making your own things a priority in these hours makes you a better you. Which makes you a better mom.

And that is better for all involved.

My Bad Days Don't Define Me

My personality test results tell me that I’m social, energizing, and inspirational. No, I’m not that I think instantly. Then the next phrase clicks: When you are at your best. What a relief! When I’m at my best, this is what I am. When I’m feeling good, and at my highest point, I am full of energy. I love to be with people, connecting. Laughing and having a good time or talking about the things that actually matter. I am happy to do my mom stuff, hobbies, and just DO things. Be active.

When I am at my low, that is definitely not the case. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. I don’t want to see anybody, let alone talk to anyone. Even the smallest chore like changing a diaper or feeding the kids breakfast feels like a mountainous task. These low points make up a part of me, and it’s easy to let them define how I am. That yes, I like to be social and sometimes I have great amounts of energy, but how I actually am is in these low moments. That is the real me.

But why does it have to be that way? Why can’t the true me be the bubbly, energetic and laughing version, who hits low points sometimes? (Just like everyone else does. I don’t have the trademark for them.) Why do I let the low times define who I am and drag down my sense of self worth?

They don’t get to define me. All of my days, moods, and happenings make who I am. My energetic days and the days where I just want to be in sweet sleeping oblivion. My happy moods and my angry moods. Phases where I organize things to do with friends and phases where I want to be by myself. I don’t have to let my bad days tell me who I am. I am all of it.

My bad days don’t get to define me.                            

A Proud Momma

To the cashier at the grocery store this morning,

We walked past your line in search of a shorter one. There wasn’t one to be found, so we returned to wait in yours. My baby was fussing because she was hungry. My boys were sitting in the cart, one squishing our hamburger buns while the other was busy ripping the Cheerios box. My daughter was holding onto the cart and asking for every kind of chocolate in sight. I should’ve bought myself at least one for braving the grocery aisle with all 4 munchkins, come to think of it.

I saw you give us the once over, and the thought bubbles were all but exploding above your head. “1-2-3-4?! Does she know where babies come from? She looks like she’s 18.. poor kid must’ve gotten knocked up at like 12! Who in their right mind would have so many kids so close together? They must have been oopsies. Her cart is so full, she’s probably going to try sneak something past me.” I tried to ignore this onslaught of thoughts and continued my attempt at soothing Rosie.

It was our turn to put our items on the conveyor belt and chaos ensued. Amidst many “Sit downs” and “MOMMY will put the eggs, thank you very much!” and “Don’t touch that!” we got all of our purchases out of the cart. I try to remind myself that at least the kids are eager to help me. But MAN is it easier to come to the grocery store by myself!

You greeted me with a stare and a sharp “Bag or no bags?” Where was the “Good morning! How are you? You have your hands full! They sure are beautiful!”? None of that. Ok, I said to myself. I can deal with that, I won’t ask you about your day either. Then came the clincher though.

“And the book is free today?” you asked. I was confused, my brain trying to rapidly make sense of the words it heard- I knew I should’ve had my third cup of coffee before I left the house. Is she making a joke that I’m taking one of the kids for free?

You clarified: “That book in the cart-you’re taking it for free?” I glanced at the cart, thinking I had missed something, but it was empty. Well, as empty as it can be with 4 kids and a diaper bag in it anyways. “I don’t have any books”, I told you and you realized what you thought was a book was indeed nothing. You don’t even apologize, you simply tell me, “Oh, that’s okay.” And proceed to ring through the last purchases and ignore me.

I was hurt and angry that you made such a rash judgement of me. I stewed for a while over all the hurtful words I could toss back at you, but I held my tongue. As I was leaving the store however, a new feeling dawned on me. Not everybody is going to think my kids are beautiful, and most probably won’t understand why I have four kids so close together. They might not respect me and my decisions, and some might be bolder with letting their opinions be known. But as I walked out of the store into the sunshine, I held my head a little bit higher. I smiled at my kids and took a running start before jumping on the cart to ride it to our red minivan. Because, you know what? I love every single one of my four, and I would not get rid of any of them just to look more normal. I am a lucky mom to have such a full cart.

So, I just wanted to say thank you, lady at the cash register. Thank you for acting how you did, because it strengthened my belief that this life is what I want.

And by the way, I hope you have a good day.

Sincerely, A Proud Momma

This Is Not A Burden

Confession: Sometimes I resent my husband his freedom. He comes home from work and eats supper while reading his book. We’ve had discussions (read: arguments) about this particular topic many times, but he tells me this is his nothing box time. And I know he needs his nothing box, so that is that.

Then he’s done eating and after profusely thanking me for the delicious supper, he sits down on the couch. The kids will usually sit with him for a while, maybe they will read a story together. Then he may or may not fall asleep. Chances are good that if he falls asleep he won’t come up to bed until the wee hours of the morning, because when he’s out, he is out.

On this evening, he falls asleep. The alarm goes off at 8 pm because today is Friday, and that means hockey night for him. He gathers up his stuff and off he goes, forgetting that he told me he would put the kids to bed tonight. Or maybe he never even agreed to doing that, come to think of it- did I even mention it?

So here I am, just another evening with me and my four kids. Diapers to be changed, teeth to be brushed, blankets to be tucked around little bodies all snug and cozy. Forget the pajamas tonight, I want as few steps as possible before I have a quiet house. There are fights and disagreements to be settled, scraped knees to be tended to, and many reminders to listen to what mom says. This evening routine. I know it won’t be like this forever, but this phase stretches out infinitely ahead of me.

Sometimes I get tired of being the one to always tuck them in. I wouldn’t mind to sometimes be the one heading out the door before the bedtime chaos begins. Or to be the one that falls asleep on the couch and not wake up until the house is silent; in full confidence that the kids and house will be taken care of. It would be nice to take a break from the daily routines so that I don’t get so tired of this burden.

Because it’s not really a burden, is it? It’s a privilege to tuck your kids in safely in their beds each night. To know that they are safe and within arms reach. The only sneaking out that might occur at this stage is to grab a cup of water.

This is a good reminder for me as I start the daunting task of bedtime tonight. I get to tuck my four little loves safely in their beds. I let their “Good night, mommy. I love you!” fill my heart. No, this is surely not a burden.

Yes, I Can!

Ever since Rosemary was born, I’ve been struggling with postpartum anxiety. I’ve never been a really anxious person so this tummy turning feeling, the thought that something bad is sure to happen, or stressing about all the things that could go wrong is new for me. I think it has something to do with hormones (blame everything on the hormones, right?) and also the fact that I now have four kids, with the oldest a fresh five years old. Numbers 1 and 2 were relatively easy, I still had one hand for each of them. Number 3 was an easy baby which helped with the adjustment. But with number 4 I am so outnumbered that it’s not even funny.

If I go grocery shopping, my cart has no room for any food because it’s already full of kids. Do I push two double strollers when we go for a walk? Getting everyone ready and out the door is a feat for sure -being on time? A whole different story. Being outnumbered, my chance of staying in control of any situation is doubtful; there are four variable factors now and who knows what could happen?

A normal evening trip to town to do errands would consume my thoughts that whole day. In the morning, I would start figuring out my plan of action. Where we would go and in what order. Then I would think of all the things that might happen.  What if Rosie starts crying in the grocery store because she’s hungry? What if the kids are just being wild hooligans and not listening to me? What about if the van breaks down? Or we get in an accident? My belly would just be in knots thinking about the doom that waited for me.

I’ve realized that my anxiety comes from when I have to go out of my comfort zone- again, a new feeling for me. I’ve always loved exploring new places and trying new things. I like to be able to just pick up and go when the mood strikes. Now however, we have our rhythm at home. Although the daily life might not be so exciting or different, it’s comfortable. And comfortable is easy. So anything outside of this easy felt heard, scary, and unknown.

A podcast that I listened to on anxiety said that when you start to change yours or your family’s lives because of your irrational fears, that’s when you know you have anxiety. Up until Rosie, I thrived on my ability to be spontaneous, as spontaneous as one can be with kids anyway. I loved to not have schedules, to be able to come and go as we pleased. These new anxious feelings that came with the spontaneity or doing different things were baffling and not welcome.

Being aware of how I am feeling versus how I want to feel is a step in the right direction for dealing the anxiety. Knowing that most of my fears are irrational also helps to keep my mind in check, as well as planning what I can do if a situation arises. Slowly but surely, I am learning how to go places with my whole brood. It takes longer to pack up and get out the door, but it feels good to think “Yes, I can do this!”

Why This Matters

I got married at 19 and I moved here to Toronto, Ontario, where I had only been twice before in my life. One time was with my family the summer before 8th grade. I still remember that trip- my excitement over my brand new pink striped purse. I thought I was so old because I had my very own purse to put my very own things in! But then I felt too awkward, like I was trying too hard to be older, to bring it into the church with me. So, in the van it sat. I remember going to my future husband’s house, completely unaware that he was my future husband. My friend and I wanted to hang out with him and his brothers but they started chucking pillows at us so we left. I also remember the traffic, miles long; watching the same pink car pass us in the next lane over, then we would catch up and pass it, and there it would go zooming past us again. A very long game of car leap frog, something for a bored and hungry girl to focus on.

My second trip here was when I was engaged to aforementioned pillow throwing future husband. He wasn’t throwing those pillows at me this trip, and definitely wasn’t telling me to go away! That week that I was here, it didn’t even enter my mind to get to know the people here- like, actually get to know them. I literally had my blinders on and the only thing I cared about was being with Nic. He took the week off work so he could show me all the sights; a day trip to Niagara Falls, a day spent in downtown Toronto, and shopping at all the different malls. We hung out with his family, met some of his friends at church, and I got to meet his extended family at our engagement party, but I never viewed those happenings as a time to reach out to possible future friends. I was solely focused on the day that I would say “I do”.

So here I came as a fresh bride, to a place I didn’t exactly want to be. I wanted to be with Nic though, so living here came with that. That first year was full of learning. Learning how to be a wife, adjusting to pregnancy, and making this place be home. I missed my family and friends, and that hurt. I made some new friends here, but I always felt that there was a line that I couldn’t cross; I wasn’t allowed to need anyone more than they needed me. I buried my true self and tried to ignore the void that I felt in my life.

I went through the daily motions, had days both good and bad, and just lived my life. Then the winter that I started my second pregnancy was one of the darkest times in our marriage. I numbed the feelings that were too hard to face and down I sunk. Nic would come home from work and I would feel nothing at seeing him. Not happy, not mad, just apathy. I slept in as late as I could so my days would seem shorter. I played candy crush all the time- ALL the time. Instead of filling my days to keep my mind busy, I tried to not do anything. To move as little and as slowly as possible.

I lived this way, not realizing how far I had gone. I remember thinking “what’s wrong with me?” and “why am I not happy?” I just thought that this was how my life was going to be, now that I was a mom. I thought it meant that I was a bad mom and that nobody else had ever felt this way. That spring, I decided enough was enough. My unhappiness was affecting my marriage, my self confidence, and every other aspect of my life. I decided that it was time to learn to be happy again, and that I needed to take control of my happiness. I started Operation: Happiness, a journal with daily writings about my explorations to find what made me happy. That was just the beginning.

I now know that I can’t avoid hard emotions. Or I can, but eventually I will have to face them. All that I have learned about myself (as a mom and just ME) and living true to that has inspired me to start this blog. Motherhood is hard and it’s not easy to talk about the hard stuff. I want this space to be an encouragement to work through the rough spots that come. I want it to be an inspiration for deciding what is most important in your own life, and living true to that. Yes, this is for you, but it is for me at the same time. This is motherhood as I’ve experienced it. I need to remind myself every day how I want to be: I want to live a full life with a full heart.

It's not always easy, but it's worth it.