Dear Momma, You Can Do This

I originally posted this almost exactly one year ago, today.

I left it up for - was it a day, maybe two?

And then I took it down. I had so much doubt, so much shame, so much guilt. I didn’t want anyone to read it, so it went back into the draft storage.

I found it the other day, and thought yes. Now it’s time to share this - this is a testament to how much I have grown this last year. How much more I have been able to separate from my depression, and to heal.

So read this story, and think about your own journey. Where are you at? Where do you want to be one year from now?

And how will you get there?

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When I was struggling with postpartum depression, I wanted desperately to know that I was going to be okay. To know that just because I was struggling didn’t mean that I was doomed as a mom. I wanted to know that I could still mother my kids properly. I wanted to know that my life was still worth living.

My future was dark, even with my loving husband and beautiful healthy children. I knew I had so much to be grateful for and nothing to complain about. And yet I felt hopeless, and guilty for these thoughts and feelings. I wanted someone to show me the way out. The way felt too hard for me; not clear which direction I should go, let alone what the next step was.

I never wanted to commit suicide- I knew that I couldn’t take my own life. But I prayed to die. I prayed that God would take me while I slept so I wouldn’t have to live anymore. It was too hard to be alive and I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore.

If this is how you feel in this moment in your life, then this is for you.

              Dear Momma,

              You can do this. Everything feels so hard right now, even the simple acts of getting out of bed and feeding your kids. You don’t have energy. You don’t have the words to explain how you are feeling. All the thoughts and emotions confuse you; where did they come from? Why do I feel this way? You feel guilty for thinking these kinds of things – what kind of a mom am I to have such dark thoughts? What kind of a mom am I to feel like leaving my husband and children? Do I love them even? If I loved them wouldn’t I want to stay with them always?

              Know that these are common thoughts, that many moms have them at some point. They are just hard to share and talk about because of the depth and darkness of them. We fear that we are the only one to have felt such a way, that nobody could ever understand how we feel. But the only way to get past them is to share them. Get them out in the open and off of your chest. You will be surprised that they aren’t met with a “How could you think something like that?” Instead they are met with an understanding look and an “I know. I’ve been there.”

              Just because you think these things doesn’t mean that you aren’t worthy, that you aren’t a good enough mom. It doesn’t mean that you weren’t supposed to be a mom or that you don’t love them enough. It simply means that you are struggling right now. It means something in your daily life is lacking. It could be that your husband has been busy and you feel overwhelmed with the kids. It could be that you aren’t taking enough time to take care of yourself, in the way that matters most to you. It could be that you aren’t taking the time to enjoy your kids, to find ways to have fun with them. Find what will pull you out of this darkness.

              Because there is light ahead. You might not be able to see it right now, but it is there ahead of you. Take any step in that direction, no matter how small it might be. As long as you are moving forward.

              And let me say again, that you can do this. It is worth the effort it will take.