Yes, I Can!

Ever since Rosemary was born, I’ve been struggling with postpartum anxiety. I’ve never been a really anxious person so this tummy turning feeling, the thought that something bad is sure to happen, or stressing about all the things that could go wrong is new for me. I think it has something to do with hormones (blame everything on the hormones, right?) and also the fact that I now have four kids, with the oldest a fresh five years old. Numbers 1 and 2 were relatively easy, I still had one hand for each of them. Number 3 was an easy baby which helped with the adjustment. But with number 4 I am so outnumbered that it’s not even funny.

If I go grocery shopping, my cart has no room for any food because it’s already full of kids. Do I push two double strollers when we go for a walk? Getting everyone ready and out the door is a feat for sure -being on time? A whole different story. Being outnumbered, my chance of staying in control of any situation is doubtful; there are four variable factors now and who knows what could happen?

A normal evening trip to town to do errands would consume my thoughts that whole day. In the morning, I would start figuring out my plan of action. Where we would go and in what order. Then I would think of all the things that might happen.  What if Rosie starts crying in the grocery store because she’s hungry? What if the kids are just being wild hooligans and not listening to me? What about if the van breaks down? Or we get in an accident? My belly would just be in knots thinking about the doom that waited for me.

I’ve realized that my anxiety comes from when I have to go out of my comfort zone- again, a new feeling for me. I’ve always loved exploring new places and trying new things. I like to be able to just pick up and go when the mood strikes. Now however, we have our rhythm at home. Although the daily life might not be so exciting or different, it’s comfortable. And comfortable is easy. So anything outside of this easy felt heard, scary, and unknown.

A podcast that I listened to on anxiety said that when you start to change yours or your family’s lives because of your irrational fears, that’s when you know you have anxiety. Up until Rosie, I thrived on my ability to be spontaneous, as spontaneous as one can be with kids anyway. I loved to not have schedules, to be able to come and go as we pleased. These new anxious feelings that came with the spontaneity or doing different things were baffling and not welcome.

Being aware of how I am feeling versus how I want to feel is a step in the right direction for dealing the anxiety. Knowing that most of my fears are irrational also helps to keep my mind in check, as well as planning what I can do if a situation arises. Slowly but surely, I am learning how to go places with my whole brood. It takes longer to pack up and get out the door, but it feels good to think “Yes, I can do this!”