When You Really Don't Want To Be A Mom

A couple years ago, I was going through a writing course as I began to write my story. I have a folder full of stories that I wrote, and never shared with the world - they were just for me. For my own healing.

But as I go through them, I’ve realized that some of them need to be shared. Because when you are going through postpartum depression, you feel so alone in your pain.

You think there’s something wrong with you because you don’t feel the love and joy that you thought you would feel as a mom - and thinking that there’s something wrong with you leads you to that spin of not knowing what to change or if you even can. Which is a complete and total lie.

So this post is for you - the mom who doesn’t want to be a mom, and wants to know what to do to love her life again.

——

Sometimes I just really don’t want to be a mom.

And not like, I’m just tired of motherhood. But like I really don’t want to be a mom anymore.

I want to just rewind the years, and remake that decision somehow. To somehow not fall in love with my husband. To change the course of my life right in that moment – no wedding day, no babies.

This is something that I don’t share lightly.

Have I told anyone this?

I’ve said so to my husband, but I think he just brushes it off as me in the heat of the moment. The emotions rushing high, words said that aren’t meant.

And maybe this is just that thought error, the thought from my depression that seems to play on repeat. Like a stuck record. Life goes on, but then it comes back to this same thought again.

I really don’t want to be a mom.

I wonder, do any other moms feel this way?

Am I the only one?

I wonder if it’s because of my depression that I have these thoughts – are they normal or is this another relapse?

I’ve always thought that I’m not as happy as I should be in motherhood, partly because of the depression but partly because of these times when I just don’t want to be a mom.

When I feel like I could happily become a non-mom again and life would be amazing.

At which point I always feel the need to insert “but YES I LOVE my kids. I wouldn’t trade them for anything. I know if they weren’t here I would be pining for them.”

Why the need for the qualifiers?

I feel less than.

I feel that my love is somehow flawed. Not enough.

That I don’t love my kids as much as other moms love theirs.

And when I think these thoughts and feel these feelings, I proceed to prove them true.

I don’t act like a loving mom, snarling when the office door gets flung open in the middle of my writing.

I don’t treat my kids with patience or with love as they fight over legos.

I cut myself off from them, distancing myself in mind, in heart, in body.

I sulk in the kitchen, doing yet another mindless task. Blocking my heart from the pain that I’m creating for myself with these thoughts.

I resist the hurt. The hurt of denying myself the love of my children, the love of myself.

I use these thoughts against me, to spin in them and prove how bad of a mom I am.

Somehow it turns from I don’t want to be a mom, to I don’t deserve to be a mom.

To my kids would be better off without me.

The same story, told again and again.

Becoming an ingrained path in my brain, one that is so easy to follow.

So again, I remind myself – thoughts are simply sentences in your brain. Neither true nor false. Simply a sentence that your brain is offering you because it’s the easiest one. One that you can choose to believe or to let go of.

And with this reminder, I feel the load lift.

My shoulders feel lighter, removing the slump in them. The weight that was on my chest begins to lighten and I can breathe deeper again.

That fog that came over my brain begins to thin, and I begin to think clearly again.

Yes, sometimes I am a mom that doesn’t want to be a mom.

But can I love myself through these thoughts anyway?

Can I recognize that these thoughts are also just thoughts, and even though I sometimes choose to believe them, they don’t mean anything about me?

Can I see that I am still worthy of my love, of my children’s love?

——

Can you see that you are still worthy of your love, of your children’s love?

Accepting and receiving love is one of the most challenging things we do in our life - which, if you look at it logically seems kind of silly, no? Like who wouldn’t want more love in their life?

But the truth is that it can feel like a very scary and vulnerable place to be - especially for those of us with an insecure attachment style. It’s something that we want most, and yet we feel afraid to open ourselves up to it because of what might happen after.

The biggest thing that I want you to walk away from this blog post with, is knowing that you are not alone and that there are things you can do to become the mom you always thought you would be. This is what I help you do inside of Operation: Happy Mom, and you can join the group of incredible moms doing this work right here.

Why Self Care Is Important For Moms

You know it’s important. You know you should be doing it. But how? What? Where? When? It’s been said a thousand times before, but I will say it again. Why is self care important for moms? Because we need to take care of ourselves before we can take care of our families.

Yeah, you get that. It’s not something new. You understand it intellectually. But let me ask you a question – are you doing it? On the regular?

What would self care look like for you? What are the things that fill up your insides? What are the activities that bring you joy – true joy?

How important it is to bring these activities into our daily lives, merge them with our motherhood duties. The best kind of self care is what we do as much as we can every day. We create a life that we don’t need to escape from. We can handle and enjoy our life.

What does self care look like for me? It’s getting to my yoga class once a week. Some days it’s waking up early so I can start my day with quiet, other days it’s skipping my first alarm and letting myself sleep in until the kids need to be up. It’s taking the time to sit down and write in the morning, to get my thoughts in order before starting the day. It is listening to ourselves and what we need, and making those a priority.

Guilt can show up when we are taking time to ourselves to do something we enjoy. We might think that we should be doing something more productive, or worrying about how the kids are doing. But think about that feeling you get, after you did something that you LOVE. How full, refreshed, energized you are. And how do you show up as a mom after that? Compare that to how you are showing up when you never take a single moment to yourself.

When mom takes care of herself, the whole family benefits.

Trusting The Timing Of Your Life

Trust in the timing of your life.

It’s easy to wonder what it would be like if things had gone differently. If we hadn’t gotten married young, maybe it wouldn’t have been so hard. If I hadn’t miscarried that baby, I wouldn’t be struggling right now. If I had gone here instead of there, maybe it would be different. If this hard time in my life had happened later, maybe I would’ve handled it better. How hard it can be to trust that everything happened at exactly the right time and in exactly the right way.

What if everything in your life happened exactly as it was supposed to?

Think about that.

All of your mistakes, your failures. All of your wrong choices; or what you view as wrong choices. Everything happened exactly as it should’ve. And do you know why it was supposed to go that way? Because it did.

Think about how much less suffering you will have in your mind, just by not fighting with reality. When we are constantly arguing in our mind with what we should’ve done, or would’ve done, if only we would’ve known, we are fighting a losing battle. There is no going back, there is no changing the past. It is what it is. Of course we know logically that we can’t go back, but yet our mind is still sitting there replaying all of the better options that we just. Should’ve. known!

I want you to bring up something from your past, big or small, that you wish you could change. Something that you think you could’ve made a better decision on. Or something that you think your life would be better now without. And as you think about this situation, ask yourself “What if this happened exactly as it was supposed to?”

No, I mean exactly as it should’ve. Regardless of whether you made a bad choice, or someone else made a bad choice – regardless of any negative outcome.

Really let this concept sink into your mind. Do you feel peace? Do you feel acceptance? How does your view of that situation change? Does your mind quiet down? Does it quit throwing all of the what ifs and if onlys at you?

Everything happens for a reason. We may not always know the reason. But trusting that it did brings so much peace with it. This way, we can quit fighting the losing battle of arguing with the past.

I was meant to be married young, so that Nic and I would grow together. I was meant to become a mom at 20, so that I would find myself in motherhood. Or maybe I will never know why things happened the way they did. I can trust though, that God has a plan for me and that He will take care of me as He leads me through this journey.

I can spend time wondering how my life would be different if things had gone another way. But God knows what I need and when I need it. It might not always be in the time that I want, or in the way I want it, but He knows better than me.

I can trust that this is a better life for me than anything else that might’ve happened.

How To Be a Happy Mom

When I was first struggling with postpartum depression, I would google this over and over. How to be a happy mom. How do I be happy? I was hoping for a book, an article, something with a step by step guide that I could follow to just be happy. I thought it would be easier for me to climb out of the darkness with someone showing me the way.

What I found were many stories on endless forums of moms just accepting that they don’t like to be a mom. That they won’t ever want to be a mom. These of course aren’t very encouraging to read, but I also didn’t want to accept this fact. I knew that there had to be a way to enjoy being a mom more than I was.

I also found articles on learning to have fun again, of making sure that not all of your interactions with your kids were negative. To get down on the floor with them and play even for five minutes. Of taking time for yourself and doing whatever it is that fills you. Yes, I thought, this is what I need. But how??

I would start the day with great intentions of taking time to play with my kids, to cross items off my to do list while also setting aside time to paint or sew. Some days I accomplished some of these, but many days I found myself crawling into bed at night wondering where I failed. Why didn’t I have the energy, the motivation, the patience to do these things that I so wanted to do? I also knew that if I did them, I would feel better, so why wasn’t I doing them?

The problem my friend, was this: I was trying to change my habits, my actions, my behaviors, without changing my thoughts. I’m sure you’ve heard that saying that goes along these lines - “what you think becomes your actions. Your actions become your life.” But have you ever actually stopped and thought about that?

Our thoughts create our life.

Literally. What we think and believe shows up in our relationships, our houses, what we do and don’t do with our time – it shows up in everything. So, it’s as simple and as complicated as that: In order to be a happy mom, you need to change your thoughts. This is a list of a few “how to’s”:

1.       Create new thoughts to think that are in alignment with the life that you want to live. Now this isn’t just think positive all the time! This is becoming aware of which thoughts are creating results in your life that you don’t want, and finding a new thought that you believe to think instead.

2.       Accept the 50/50 rule for emotions. You will not be happy all of the time – not only is it not possible, but you actually wouldn’t want to be. About half the time you will feel good, and the other half you will feel not good. Being a human means feeling all of the feels. Some of them aren’t enjoyable, but guess what? It’s life.

3.       Quit beating yourself up when you aren’t happy. Quit feeling bad about feeling bad. Did you know that when you feel crappy, and then you feel crappy about feeling crappy, you feel even more crappy? Right? So if you feel bad, tell yourself that it’s okay to feel this way. The emotion will pass, you won’t stay there forever I promise.

4.       Take responsibility for your own happiness. It’s easy to think well if my husband did this then I would be happy or well if my kids just listened to me I would be happier. And yes I’m sure we all would be happier if our kids didn’t try our patience so much. But that’s not the point. The point is that no matter what is happening outside of your control, you are always responsible for your emotions.

5.       Know that it’s a work in progress. These are things that we need to work on every single day. This is a process that you will go through for the rest of your life. Oh, how many times I’ve wished that I could just wake up one day and have it all figured out, to be how I want. But there is no destination here, the journey is the destination. I don’t particularly like that saying, but it’s true. Quit waiting for the someday that everything will be exactly as you think it should be because that day won’t come. Instead just keep learning, and love yourself as you go.

This work of diving into my thoughts, of becoming aware of my thoughts, and of changing the thoughts that I’m thinking, has been challenging but so worth it. To work on taking out the ones that aren’t serving me in my life, and create the new thoughts that I want to think is literally life changing. It’s one thing to learn a new concept, and a whole other story to actually apply it in life.

This is the work that I want to do in the world. I want to help moms realize that their happiness, joy, contentment, whatever it is that they want to feel, is attainable through becoming aware of their thoughts. This is what I call a heart centered work. If this resonates with you, make sure to sign up on my email list to get notified of when my coaching program will be available. (The link wasn’t working for a while, so if you haven’t been getting any of my emails you will need to sign up again.)

Happiness is an inside job, truly an inside job.

Folding Laundry Was The Dream

Growing up, I knew I would be a mom someday. I wanted my very own husband and my very own kids. When I babysat, I would dream about the day that I could do all of these things in my own house. One of my favorite things to do after I put the kids to sleep was to wash, dry and fold their laundry. I knew how happy this made the mom, but it was so fun to pretend that I was folding my own family’s clothes instead. My husband’s shirts next to cute tiny dresses and overalls. My super stylish tops next to baby blankets. I couldn’t wait for that moment!

Now that moment is here. I could be washing, drying and folding clothes all day long if I wanted to. But somewhere along the line, the dreaminess of that task faded. Now the stacks of clothes, both clean and dirty, sit in my laundry room. I ignore them until my husband wakes up for work and asks where some clean socks are, because he doesn’t have any in his drawer. I don’t sit there and lovingly fold every single piece of clothing like I used to. The only exception to this is when a new baby is due and I’m washing the newborn clothes- those are always exclaimed over, so tiny and so cute, with the incredulity that a fresh little body will soon be fitting into them! The everyday laundry however, is another story.

This is how many aspects of motherhood has been for me. I had my ideas of how I would be as a mom – that I would be happy, that I would read to them, that I would play games and snuggle all day long. How great I thought it would be to not have to go anywhere or do anything; just to be a mom. And not just a mom – to be a mom.

I think that these ideals that we have about how we should be are important. It’s important to look at them and use them as guidelines for how to show up in our days; how we want to be in order to feel like we’ve got this. But I also think it’s important to let some of them go. You thought that you would enjoy playing with your toddler more? It’s okay to admit that it gets kind of boring after five minutes; to do what you can right now, and to know that when she grows up there will be more to do together. Let go of the ones that hurt you, the ones that make you feel like you’re not a good enough mom.

Instead, focus on your strengths. The ways that you bring you to your children’s days. You may not be the mom that you thought you would or should be, but always remember this:

You are exactly the mom for your children, just as your children are exactly for you.

A Safe Place

His eye is bothering him again. He got something in it at school today and now that it’s approaching bedtime - and everything feels ten times more emotional – it sounds like someone is cutting his arm off. The first couple of times I was able to soothe and comfort him truly from a place of love, but tbh it’s getting kind of old now. I breathe in and out a few times and let my frustration go; once again, I open my arms to hold him close.

I want to be my children’s safe place. I want to be the one that they turn to when they are hurt, troubled or upset. I want them to know that I will always be there for them. That my hugs never run out. I want them to never question my love for them.

Between struggling with depression and the regular daily ups and downs, I wonder if they know this. Am I doing a good enough job showing them this? Am I remembering to have patience? Do I stop in the middle of my task to give them the hug that they are so clearly wanting?

Do they approach me, unsure of what response they will get? Or do they know that no matter what mood I am in, there is always love for them?

I think back to my childhood, and the feeling of safety and comfort that comes with the memories of home. Always knowing that I am loved and known inside of those walls. That the people accepted me as is, and there was always love and forgiveness.

I want to create that same safe haven, in our home and in my heart, for these precious gifts of mine.

Introverted Mom

The more kids I have, the more I cherish the quiet moments. I find that I get in my flow state, thinking my thoughts and dreaming my dreams. The silence envelops me and I get lost inside myself. There aren’t any complaints, arguments, or needs to attend to. Just me.

I want to find contentment in motherhood though, not just as myself with my own personal goals and dreams. I want to find that same level of happiness amidst the chaos, and with my kids. To actually sit on the floor with them and play a game. To take the time to notice those little moments of joy, and to cherish those as much as my quiet moments.

As an introvert, it makes sense that I get my energy from being alone. From delving deep inside myself and sorting life out. I want to take that energy and apply it to the hours as a mom, instead of viewing those mom hours as a drain of my energy. Because with kids, life isn’t quiet - and I wouldn’t want it to be. There would be something wrong if my kids didn’t fight, play, make noise or messes. They need to do all these things as kids, as they learn and grow up.

It’s a healthy sign that our house is full of life and noise, both the happy ones and the not so happy ones. It’s a good reminder for me to lower my expectations for the day. To really soak in those quiet moments when they happen, but to also allow the loud moments to fill a part of me that the quiet ones can’t.

Choosing To See Magic

Before you become a mom, there are ideas of how it will be. You think of the magic, the love; how incredible it will be to hold your own child. There is wondering of how it will go, but you don’t know what you don’t know, and the fear isn’t so big. You dream of the day that baby is born, of the day that baby will smile. All the milestones and all of the everydays in between. You can’t wait for motherhood to begin.

Then your first child is born, perhaps a second and third follow. It becomes your reality, this motherhood life. The everydays blur one into the next. Sometimes you stop and think, “The days fly by, but where do they go? What do I do with my time?” Perhaps you had postpartum depression. Maybe it was a colicky baby. Whatever it was, you lost the magic of motherhood. Life became just life, duller than you imagined it to be. The dreams of the future don’t come as easily and you become stuck in the monotony of the days. You feel a discordance with what you pictured before and what is now. Do you look with envy at the newly engaged, the newly married, the ones whose faces are glowing as they announce their due date? Do you wonder how they can be so happy, that they have no idea? When we have a vision of how something will be, it can be hard when it doesn’t turn out that way.

I look down at my baby boy, five months old and growing too fast. It’s so cliché because it’s so true! The lights from the Christmas tree reflect in his eyes as he reaches for the ornaments. It hits me in this moment, that there is magic here.

I used to feel angry – why didn’t anyone tell me it would be this hard? There were times that I would look at a newly married couple and wonder what happened to me – when did I become so bitter and hardened? But it’s merely shifting my perspective on life. Motherhood isn’t what I thought it would be and I have had to do much painful growing, but look at what I would’ve missed out on if I hadn’t taken that step.

I want to challenge you to find the magic again. This life may not be the picture-perfect idea that you had dreamed up, but find the beauty in this life that is yours. Choose to see the beauty in what is.

Christmas In My Heart

Christmas has taken a different meaning since becoming a mom. I used to wait and wait and wait for the day that Santa would finally come, waking up as early as possible to climb down the stairs and see the goodies that were under the tree. I remember trying to stay up and spy on Santa, but those heavy eyelids would close before he came. The excitement, anticipation, and joy!

Christmas morning still brings the excitement of unopened gifts waiting under the Christmas tree. But more than that, it’s watching the sparkle and wonder in my children’s eyes as they see what Santa brought them the night before. Their joy is so innocent; their belief in that magical man with a red suit and white beard is so true. It’s contagious – I can’t help but feel the magic myself.

It also makes me think of Mary, of the birth of Jesus. She was in a stable, delivering her child. No luxury, no doctors, nothing. And yet when I picture her holding her precious baby boy, her face shines with peace and joy. This is the true meaning of Christmas. A celebration of Jesus’ birth. Peace. Love. Joy. Contentment with what is. It’s being together with family and those you hold dear. It’s not about the biggest present under the tree, or an overstuffed stocking. It’s not the things that bring happiness, it’s the giving of them. Giving from a place of love.

In the weeks leading up to Christmas, it can be hard for me to get into the spirit. There are always so many daily to dos, plus Christmas preparations on top of that, that it’s easy to get lost in the busyness. I’m preparing all the things and I forget to stop and think about what I’m actually preparing for.

I was sitting in the church bench a few weeks ago, listening to the little kindergarten kids sing Away In A Manger. Tears came to my eyes at the little voices singing so beautifully. A little off tune, not necessarily in time with the organ, but they were singing with their whole hearts. The sound was so true. That was a moment when I truly felt Christmas in my heart. It’s a feeling of peace, of contentment. Of love.

May you find Christmas in your heart this season.

Merry Christmas!

Why I Share My Story

I don’t share my story for pity.

I don’t share it so that you view me as “the mom with depression”.

Not so that I would be known.

I share it because I believe that moms of families both big and small can enjoy motherhood. That it is possible to prioritize mental wellness as we raise our families. That we can create time for ourselves, to take care of ourselves. To put the work in because we want to, because we love our children, and to not give up when it gets hard. To take control of our thoughts and see how that can change our view of life. To actually apply all of these tools instead of just consuming them. To be mentally well, rather than simply not mentally ill.

This isn’t just love your life, follow your passion, and live your dreams. It’s more than that, deeper than that. It’s living from a place of love and wellness. Of accepting the bad with the good. Of not beating ourselves up when we fail, yet again. It’s working through the hard things. Not staying in the dark places, but finding our way to the light and savoring the lightness.

It is hard work to lift the darkness off, but it is so worth it. To keep fighting every time the darkness threatens to swallow. This is why I share my story, that others could find parts of themselves in mine. To take what resonates with them and apply it.

To find hope and courage to move forward.

There is power in telling our stories. In rewriting our stories, with us not as the victim of our lives.

This is why.

Not A Teenager Anymore

No longer a teenager.

Blink

and the years have passed.

He loves me still

though I judge my body hard.

Too fat

Too big

Too much

Not enough.

Never worthy.

I know he loves me

Me

Not because I look

a certain way

But I forget.

to believe it. To trust it.

to trust my body. To love.

He loves me

More when I am confident

in myself.

When I know that

he wants me.

Not a perfect body,

not an unrealistic ideal.

This body has

birthed five babies.

Grows and nourishes

I am not broken

Because I don’t look

Like her.

I choose

to be whole

And to love

what is.

Today Is Friday

It’s Friday today. Weekends have lost the significance that they held in my teenage years. Friday used to mean end of the school or work week, with two full days ahead of glorious freedom! It was time to hang out with friends, stay up late, sleep in. Time to go shopping, find some adventure, or just sit on the couch and do nothing.

Now Fridays mark the end of a busy week taking care of the kids, days filled with lunch dates and naptimes, errands and get-stuff-done-around-the-house days. Saturday and Sunday look the same as the other days of my week. My husband is home on the weekend (usually), so that calls for some sleeping in together (kind of) and working at home together (kind of). But my main job is still there: taking care of the kids. I don’t get weekends off at this job.

As I write this, I don’t remember the last time I went to hangout with some friends for an evening on the weekend, with nothing more to worry about than what outfit I should wear. But why shouldn’t I still have that mindset? What if I changed out of my comfy clothes and put on a cute outfit, even if it was just to hang out with my kids in our living room? Why not put aside all the “should dos” and work lists for a Friday evening to hang out with my littles? Or actually go out with them and do something fun together?

I want to get back that weekend feeling, the one of letting go of life just a little and enjoying the moment that I’m in. Yes, my work comes with me in the form of five little ducklings, whether they are in a row or not. But me and my ducklings, we are going to enjoy each other this weekend.

Happy weekend!

Another Chapter Begins

Today is the big day – a whole year older. Twenty-seven years since the day that I was born.

It’s so interesting to look back at these specific days in my life. The day that I started a new chapter in my book.

The year that I turned eighteen, I was in Italy. I had traveled with a handful of other Americans and Canadians from Finland to tour Italy for a week. A fun week spent adventuring and exploring with friends. Seeing new sites, new people, stepping out of my comfort zone. Looking back, it was such a carefree time. It’s easy to forget the things that I worried about then, or to minimize their importance.

And then the year that I turned nineteen. Nic was spending time at my home - how amazing it was to be together after several months apart! We both knew at this point that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, and on December 1st, he asked me to marry him. We felt so grown up, that we knew what we wanted in life; we were so sure of our future together. Looking back on this too, it feels like such a carefree time! We were young, in love, and completely on cloud nine. Trusting that God was guiding us, with little fear of the years to come. Just being in the now.

These memories of past birthdays are mostly rose colored. I forget what the day to day life was and only the highlights remain in my memory. Those years I also had a rose-colored vision of the years to come – the exploring of Finland and parts of Europe, of finding myself, of how exciting to be getting married, to hopefully have children of my own.

Where are my rose-colored glasses now? The times that I struggle with depression, the future seems so dim. I know that I have so much to be thankful for, yet at the same time I have no hope for what the years ahead of me will bring. I don’t need my rose-colored glasses, but what I do need is joy. I want joy to color the days of this next chapter in my life.

What does this year hold for me? Where will I be at in life on the day that I turn twenty-eight? I want to be able to look back on this year and see growth. I want to see love; so much love. I want to see acceptance and enjoyment. I want to see that I gave it my all and that when I failed, I had compassion for myself. Another chapter in my book begins.

It Starts With Your Thoughts

Motherhood just is. It’s a circumstance, a fact. I am a mom. I have five kids. I birthed these children.

It’s what I think about motherhood that makes it something. I can choose to think it’s hard or easy. Fun or boring. Happy or depressing. I can see it as an adventure, or something that keeps me from adventure. It’s not always easy to choose how you think about something, but it is a choice.

When I think thoughts like being a mom is hard, boring, or depressing, that’s what my experience of motherhood becomes. My brain is looking for all the ways to make those thoughts true. Have you ever noticed that when you are tired of your kids not listening to you, that’s when they really don’t listen to you? And the patience that is already so thin to begin with, gets even thinner? Whereas when you are coming from a place of love and compassion, you are able to respond to disobedience more calmly.

Our thoughts about a situation creates our emotions, our emotions create our actions, and our actions create our results.

It all starts with your thoughts. Many people will say Think positive! And it’s true, do think positive thoughts. But you need to believe those positive thoughts, or they won’t be doing anything for you. You can’t go from My life is too hard to I love my life! In one step. Find the in between thoughts that are true for you, such as I want to love my life, I am focusing on the things that I enjoy about my life, or I will find one thing today that I love.

Now I’m also not saying that we should be positive all the time; life is 50/50. Half of the time we will be feeling something good and the other half will be something not so good, that’s just how it is. But to become aware of the results that our thoughts are creating in our life is a huge step forward. Recognizing when we are being more negative than positive, and choosing to not let the negativity overrule your days.

I want you to try something today – it might sound crazy to you if you’ve never heard of doing thought work before. Let me tell you though, it works! Take five minutes to try this exercise and see if it does anything for you. WRITE IT DOWN. Thinking about it helps too, but actually physically writing it down on paper and seeing it is much better. I promise.

1.       Pick one area of your life that feels hard right now. (example: Bedtime)

2.       Grab a piece of paper and a pen, and write down one thought that you think about it. (ex: I have to repeat myself a million times before the kids brush their teeth)

3.       What emotion does this thought cause you to feel? (ex: Frustrated)

4.       How do you act because of this emotion? (ex: Impatient with the kids)

5.       And what is the result of this action? (ex: Nobody is happy at bedtime)

Notice how your original thought creates the result that you get. Want a different result? Find a new thought to think about the situation. In my example, I could change my thought to “I will brush my teeth at the same time as them, so I don’t have to repeat myself.” This thought causes me to be present with the kids, in the bathroom together brushing our teeth. Not trying to get all the other things done at the same time and expecting them to brush their teeth and get ready for bed by themselves. Which brings a much better result of being present with my kids.

I’m telling you: becoming aware of our thoughts can change how we view our lives and how we spend our days.

Taking A Step

Here I sit in my green armchair, in a darkened living room. The tears are cascading down my cheeks, the sobs racking my body. Baby is at my breast, sucking with all the force he can muster. It feels as though the milk is being pulled from my body, my body unwilling to let it go. I am consumed by my thoughts, thoughts so dark and deep it feels impossible to break free of them. My whole body feels as though I am weighted to the ground, some unseen force pressing me into the earth. To lift my head feels unbearable. I am alone, or seemingly alone. Everything outside of me is blurred, with only my dark, repetitive thoughts so clear.

I thought this time would be different. That I was stronger this time around. I thought I was prepared to handle a downturn of hormones, if it came. I gained so much knowledge around postpartum depression – why it comes and what to do about it. Plus, this was my fifth baby. One would think that counts for something!

But I couldn’t stop it.

The darkness overtook me. I was aware of what was happening, but I felt helpless against it. I knew the tools that would help me get out of that hole, but where was the motivation to do them? Where was the hope that I even could climb my way back up if I did them? Feeling joy felt so far out of my reach.

The loneliness. The hopelessness. The helplessness.

The numbness, void, the lack of emotion.

Emptiness.

Where do I go from here?

There is only one direction from rock bottom – up. Little by little, the clouds started to clear and the sun would shine through if even for a few moments. Find the hope, the small belief that change is possible. That being well is possible. It’s a huge change to feel like you can do something about your situation versus feeling trapped and hopeless.

Realize where you are and that you want to – can – do something about it. Reach out for help, let someone know the thoughts and feelings you’ve been having. Take that first step in the climb, because no matter how cliché it sounds:

It is worth it.

You are worth it.

Someday Is Today

They say that your physical space is a representation of your mental state. Lots of clutter around you equals lots of clutter in your mind.

I pause and look around at our fixer upper house. There is so much work to be done, from the basics of mudding and taping to the finishing touches of décor. I see myself in our house – there is so much inner work to do. It feels overwhelming, that where do I even start? All the things I need to work through, which one is the one that will underscore all the other work?

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She came over for a visit, the first time since we moved into our home three years ago – to say it’s about time is an understatement! Anyway, as I give her the grand tour of our place I listen to my thoughts. Here’s the bathroom, our most recent accomplishment, but there’s still some finishing touches to do. We finished the laundry room a while ago now, but now I need to declutter it again – I don’t know why all the stuff just collects here! Nic’s working on the basement so we can have the kid’s playroom down there and eliminate some of the noise and mess from the living room. We have so much still that needs to be done, it’s a work in progress. It’s so easy to point out all the things we haven’t gotten to yet. And easy to forget how far we’ve come, how much work we’ve put into it.

I find myself thinking exactly the same thoughts about myself. Look how far your stomach still has to go before it’s flat again. You still have so much inner work to do before you are the person that you want to be. Look how you fall short of being the mom that you dream of. How far out of reach those dreams of yours still feel.

I forget to appreciate all the things that we’ve worked through, both physical and mental, with our house and in myself. How quickly those accomplishments simply become the norm and the next thing to work on becomes the focus.

“Someday it will be beautiful, finished, and ready to sell.”

“Someday I will be thin, beautiful, and ready for life.”

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They also say though, that you need to accept what is before there can be change.

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What about today, right now, this moment? As is. Can I appreciate what is? Can I remember all of the downs that I’ve come out on the other side of? Can I take a moment to sit and remember those late evenings, either with all the construction dust and noise or with a fussy baby or struggling with depression? We did it, we came out on the other side. We survived.

Its good to have dreams and goals of where you want to go in life. Just take a moment to remember the work that has gotten you here, to this moment. And appreciate it.