How Life Coaching Has Changed My Life

Does this sound dramatic? Maybe.

Is it true? Yep.

I didn’t know it at the time, but I had postpartum depression after my first baby was born. It didn’t look like I thought depression would look. I made it mean that I was a bad mom – I believed that my depression was me. I didn’t see it as a sign that I was struggling and needed to reach out for help, I saw it as a failure.

Since that first big collision with depression, my mind so easily falls back into that pattern. It can be the smallest thing that sets me off, and suddenly my brain is telling me “What kind of a mom are you? Maybe your kids really would be better off with someone else.” And down the spiral I go. Negative thought after negative thought, all piling on top of me, weighing me into the ground.

Sometimes I would be in this downward spiral for a month, sometimes a few days. Through these ups and downs I would wonder, “Am I depressed? Is this normal? Do I need help? Am I normal?” I didn’t know if everyone had bad days as bad as mine, or if there was something wrong with me.

What I’ve learned though, is that it doesn’t matter if I get the diagnosis of depression or not. What matters is how I live my life, and what I do with these depressive times. Do I allow myself to believe these negative thoughts about myself and my life, and then use that as evidence that I truly am not worthy? Or do I do my best to be aware of where my thoughts are headed, and if I’m not strong enough in that moment to redirect, do I love myself through it anyway?

The more I put this work into practice, the better I get at staying on top of my thoughts and emotions. My days now are much more aligned with who I truly am than they used to be. Coaching, and self coaching, has changed how I show up in my life. How I treat myself, my children, my husband, my friends, our home – everything. It has helped me to take all of the personal development concepts that I’ve learned and actually apply them. Applying them is where the magic happens.

I have often thought that if I had continued living the way I was, I would not be a happy, believing mom today. My faith is the most important thing to me, and when I believed my depression, I did not live how I want to.

So yes, coaching has truly changed my life. If something in my story resonates with you, let me show you how it can change yours.

How To Be a Happy Mom

When I was first struggling with postpartum depression, I would google this over and over. How to be a happy mom. How do I be happy? I was hoping for a book, an article, something with a step by step guide that I could follow to just be happy. I thought it would be easier for me to climb out of the darkness with someone showing me the way.

What I found were many stories on endless forums of moms just accepting that they don’t like to be a mom. That they won’t ever want to be a mom. These of course aren’t very encouraging to read, but I also didn’t want to accept this fact. I knew that there had to be a way to enjoy being a mom more than I was.

I also found articles on learning to have fun again, of making sure that not all of your interactions with your kids were negative. To get down on the floor with them and play even for five minutes. Of taking time for yourself and doing whatever it is that fills you. Yes, I thought, this is what I need. But how??

I would start the day with great intentions of taking time to play with my kids, to cross items off my to do list while also setting aside time to paint or sew. Some days I accomplished some of these, but many days I found myself crawling into bed at night wondering where I failed. Why didn’t I have the energy, the motivation, the patience to do these things that I so wanted to do? I also knew that if I did them, I would feel better, so why wasn’t I doing them?

The problem my friend, was this: I was trying to change my habits, my actions, my behaviors, without changing my thoughts. I’m sure you’ve heard that saying that goes along these lines - “what you think becomes your actions. Your actions become your life.” But have you ever actually stopped and thought about that?

Our thoughts create our life.

Literally. What we think and believe shows up in our relationships, our houses, what we do and don’t do with our time – it shows up in everything. So, it’s as simple and as complicated as that: In order to be a happy mom, you need to change your thoughts. This is a list of a few “how to’s”:

1.       Create new thoughts to think that are in alignment with the life that you want to live. Now this isn’t just think positive all the time! This is becoming aware of which thoughts are creating results in your life that you don’t want, and finding a new thought that you believe to think instead.

2.       Accept the 50/50 rule for emotions. You will not be happy all of the time – not only is it not possible, but you actually wouldn’t want to be. About half the time you will feel good, and the other half you will feel not good. Being a human means feeling all of the feels. Some of them aren’t enjoyable, but guess what? It’s life.

3.       Quit beating yourself up when you aren’t happy. Quit feeling bad about feeling bad. Did you know that when you feel crappy, and then you feel crappy about feeling crappy, you feel even more crappy? Right? So if you feel bad, tell yourself that it’s okay to feel this way. The emotion will pass, you won’t stay there forever I promise.

4.       Take responsibility for your own happiness. It’s easy to think well if my husband did this then I would be happy or well if my kids just listened to me I would be happier. And yes I’m sure we all would be happier if our kids didn’t try our patience so much. But that’s not the point. The point is that no matter what is happening outside of your control, you are always responsible for your emotions.

5.       Know that it’s a work in progress. These are things that we need to work on every single day. This is a process that you will go through for the rest of your life. Oh, how many times I’ve wished that I could just wake up one day and have it all figured out, to be how I want. But there is no destination here, the journey is the destination. I don’t particularly like that saying, but it’s true. Quit waiting for the someday that everything will be exactly as you think it should be because that day won’t come. Instead just keep learning, and love yourself as you go.

This work of diving into my thoughts, of becoming aware of my thoughts, and of changing the thoughts that I’m thinking, has been challenging but so worth it. To work on taking out the ones that aren’t serving me in my life, and create the new thoughts that I want to think is literally life changing. It’s one thing to learn a new concept, and a whole other story to actually apply it in life.

This is the work that I want to do in the world. I want to help moms realize that their happiness, joy, contentment, whatever it is that they want to feel, is attainable through becoming aware of their thoughts. This is what I call a heart centered work. If this resonates with you, make sure to sign up on my email list to get notified of when my coaching program will be available. (The link wasn’t working for a while, so if you haven’t been getting any of my emails you will need to sign up again.)

Happiness is an inside job, truly an inside job.

Choosing To See Magic

Before you become a mom, there are ideas of how it will be. You think of the magic, the love; how incredible it will be to hold your own child. There is wondering of how it will go, but you don’t know what you don’t know, and the fear isn’t so big. You dream of the day that baby is born, of the day that baby will smile. All the milestones and all of the everydays in between. You can’t wait for motherhood to begin.

Then your first child is born, perhaps a second and third follow. It becomes your reality, this motherhood life. The everydays blur one into the next. Sometimes you stop and think, “The days fly by, but where do they go? What do I do with my time?” Perhaps you had postpartum depression. Maybe it was a colicky baby. Whatever it was, you lost the magic of motherhood. Life became just life, duller than you imagined it to be. The dreams of the future don’t come as easily and you become stuck in the monotony of the days. You feel a discordance with what you pictured before and what is now. Do you look with envy at the newly engaged, the newly married, the ones whose faces are glowing as they announce their due date? Do you wonder how they can be so happy, that they have no idea? When we have a vision of how something will be, it can be hard when it doesn’t turn out that way.

I look down at my baby boy, five months old and growing too fast. It’s so cliché because it’s so true! The lights from the Christmas tree reflect in his eyes as he reaches for the ornaments. It hits me in this moment, that there is magic here.

I used to feel angry – why didn’t anyone tell me it would be this hard? There were times that I would look at a newly married couple and wonder what happened to me – when did I become so bitter and hardened? But it’s merely shifting my perspective on life. Motherhood isn’t what I thought it would be and I have had to do much painful growing, but look at what I would’ve missed out on if I hadn’t taken that step.

I want to challenge you to find the magic again. This life may not be the picture-perfect idea that you had dreamed up, but find the beauty in this life that is yours. Choose to see the beauty in what is.

I Cry For Her

The tears stream

Silently

A breaking open

Inside.

Why do you cry

I ask?

I cry for her

She is sweet sixteen

Today,

And then no more.

She knows

Something changed

Inside

It’s unknown

She doesn’t think

It was the

Right choice

But she doesn’t know

How to

Correct it.

She fears

What this means

About her.

About life.

Where does she go

From here

Am I whole?

Am I tainted?

Our hearts break

Together.

Hers and mine.

We are the same.

Why I Share My Story

I don’t share my story for pity.

I don’t share it so that you view me as “the mom with depression”.

Not so that I would be known.

I share it because I believe that moms of families both big and small can enjoy motherhood. That it is possible to prioritize mental wellness as we raise our families. That we can create time for ourselves, to take care of ourselves. To put the work in because we want to, because we love our children, and to not give up when it gets hard. To take control of our thoughts and see how that can change our view of life. To actually apply all of these tools instead of just consuming them. To be mentally well, rather than simply not mentally ill.

This isn’t just love your life, follow your passion, and live your dreams. It’s more than that, deeper than that. It’s living from a place of love and wellness. Of accepting the bad with the good. Of not beating ourselves up when we fail, yet again. It’s working through the hard things. Not staying in the dark places, but finding our way to the light and savoring the lightness.

It is hard work to lift the darkness off, but it is so worth it. To keep fighting every time the darkness threatens to swallow. This is why I share my story, that others could find parts of themselves in mine. To take what resonates with them and apply it.

To find hope and courage to move forward.

There is power in telling our stories. In rewriting our stories, with us not as the victim of our lives.

This is why.

Another Chapter Begins

Today is the big day – a whole year older. Twenty-seven years since the day that I was born.

It’s so interesting to look back at these specific days in my life. The day that I started a new chapter in my book.

The year that I turned eighteen, I was in Italy. I had traveled with a handful of other Americans and Canadians from Finland to tour Italy for a week. A fun week spent adventuring and exploring with friends. Seeing new sites, new people, stepping out of my comfort zone. Looking back, it was such a carefree time. It’s easy to forget the things that I worried about then, or to minimize their importance.

And then the year that I turned nineteen. Nic was spending time at my home - how amazing it was to be together after several months apart! We both knew at this point that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, and on December 1st, he asked me to marry him. We felt so grown up, that we knew what we wanted in life; we were so sure of our future together. Looking back on this too, it feels like such a carefree time! We were young, in love, and completely on cloud nine. Trusting that God was guiding us, with little fear of the years to come. Just being in the now.

These memories of past birthdays are mostly rose colored. I forget what the day to day life was and only the highlights remain in my memory. Those years I also had a rose-colored vision of the years to come – the exploring of Finland and parts of Europe, of finding myself, of how exciting to be getting married, to hopefully have children of my own.

Where are my rose-colored glasses now? The times that I struggle with depression, the future seems so dim. I know that I have so much to be thankful for, yet at the same time I have no hope for what the years ahead of me will bring. I don’t need my rose-colored glasses, but what I do need is joy. I want joy to color the days of this next chapter in my life.

What does this year hold for me? Where will I be at in life on the day that I turn twenty-eight? I want to be able to look back on this year and see growth. I want to see love; so much love. I want to see acceptance and enjoyment. I want to see that I gave it my all and that when I failed, I had compassion for myself. Another chapter in my book begins.

It Starts With Your Thoughts

Motherhood just is. It’s a circumstance, a fact. I am a mom. I have five kids. I birthed these children.

It’s what I think about motherhood that makes it something. I can choose to think it’s hard or easy. Fun or boring. Happy or depressing. I can see it as an adventure, or something that keeps me from adventure. It’s not always easy to choose how you think about something, but it is a choice.

When I think thoughts like being a mom is hard, boring, or depressing, that’s what my experience of motherhood becomes. My brain is looking for all the ways to make those thoughts true. Have you ever noticed that when you are tired of your kids not listening to you, that’s when they really don’t listen to you? And the patience that is already so thin to begin with, gets even thinner? Whereas when you are coming from a place of love and compassion, you are able to respond to disobedience more calmly.

Our thoughts about a situation creates our emotions, our emotions create our actions, and our actions create our results.

It all starts with your thoughts. Many people will say Think positive! And it’s true, do think positive thoughts. But you need to believe those positive thoughts, or they won’t be doing anything for you. You can’t go from My life is too hard to I love my life! In one step. Find the in between thoughts that are true for you, such as I want to love my life, I am focusing on the things that I enjoy about my life, or I will find one thing today that I love.

Now I’m also not saying that we should be positive all the time; life is 50/50. Half of the time we will be feeling something good and the other half will be something not so good, that’s just how it is. But to become aware of the results that our thoughts are creating in our life is a huge step forward. Recognizing when we are being more negative than positive, and choosing to not let the negativity overrule your days.

I want you to try something today – it might sound crazy to you if you’ve never heard of doing thought work before. Let me tell you though, it works! Take five minutes to try this exercise and see if it does anything for you. WRITE IT DOWN. Thinking about it helps too, but actually physically writing it down on paper and seeing it is much better. I promise.

1.       Pick one area of your life that feels hard right now. (example: Bedtime)

2.       Grab a piece of paper and a pen, and write down one thought that you think about it. (ex: I have to repeat myself a million times before the kids brush their teeth)

3.       What emotion does this thought cause you to feel? (ex: Frustrated)

4.       How do you act because of this emotion? (ex: Impatient with the kids)

5.       And what is the result of this action? (ex: Nobody is happy at bedtime)

Notice how your original thought creates the result that you get. Want a different result? Find a new thought to think about the situation. In my example, I could change my thought to “I will brush my teeth at the same time as them, so I don’t have to repeat myself.” This thought causes me to be present with the kids, in the bathroom together brushing our teeth. Not trying to get all the other things done at the same time and expecting them to brush their teeth and get ready for bed by themselves. Which brings a much better result of being present with my kids.

I’m telling you: becoming aware of our thoughts can change how we view our lives and how we spend our days.

Someday Is Today

They say that your physical space is a representation of your mental state. Lots of clutter around you equals lots of clutter in your mind.

I pause and look around at our fixer upper house. There is so much work to be done, from the basics of mudding and taping to the finishing touches of décor. I see myself in our house – there is so much inner work to do. It feels overwhelming, that where do I even start? All the things I need to work through, which one is the one that will underscore all the other work?

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She came over for a visit, the first time since we moved into our home three years ago – to say it’s about time is an understatement! Anyway, as I give her the grand tour of our place I listen to my thoughts. Here’s the bathroom, our most recent accomplishment, but there’s still some finishing touches to do. We finished the laundry room a while ago now, but now I need to declutter it again – I don’t know why all the stuff just collects here! Nic’s working on the basement so we can have the kid’s playroom down there and eliminate some of the noise and mess from the living room. We have so much still that needs to be done, it’s a work in progress. It’s so easy to point out all the things we haven’t gotten to yet. And easy to forget how far we’ve come, how much work we’ve put into it.

I find myself thinking exactly the same thoughts about myself. Look how far your stomach still has to go before it’s flat again. You still have so much inner work to do before you are the person that you want to be. Look how you fall short of being the mom that you dream of. How far out of reach those dreams of yours still feel.

I forget to appreciate all the things that we’ve worked through, both physical and mental, with our house and in myself. How quickly those accomplishments simply become the norm and the next thing to work on becomes the focus.

“Someday it will be beautiful, finished, and ready to sell.”

“Someday I will be thin, beautiful, and ready for life.”

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They also say though, that you need to accept what is before there can be change.

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What about today, right now, this moment? As is. Can I appreciate what is? Can I remember all of the downs that I’ve come out on the other side of? Can I take a moment to sit and remember those late evenings, either with all the construction dust and noise or with a fussy baby or struggling with depression? We did it, we came out on the other side. We survived.

Its good to have dreams and goals of where you want to go in life. Just take a moment to remember the work that has gotten you here, to this moment. And appreciate it.