Taking A Step

Here I sit in my green armchair, in a darkened living room. The tears are cascading down my cheeks, the sobs racking my body. Baby is at my breast, sucking with all the force he can muster. It feels as though the milk is being pulled from my body, my body unwilling to let it go. I am consumed by my thoughts, thoughts so dark and deep it feels impossible to break free of them. My whole body feels as though I am weighted to the ground, some unseen force pressing me into the earth. To lift my head feels unbearable. I am alone, or seemingly alone. Everything outside of me is blurred, with only my dark, repetitive thoughts so clear.

I thought this time would be different. That I was stronger this time around. I thought I was prepared to handle a downturn of hormones, if it came. I gained so much knowledge around postpartum depression – why it comes and what to do about it. Plus, this was my fifth baby. One would think that counts for something!

But I couldn’t stop it.

The darkness overtook me. I was aware of what was happening, but I felt helpless against it. I knew the tools that would help me get out of that hole, but where was the motivation to do them? Where was the hope that I even could climb my way back up if I did them? Feeling joy felt so far out of my reach.

The loneliness. The hopelessness. The helplessness.

The numbness, void, the lack of emotion.

Emptiness.

Where do I go from here?

There is only one direction from rock bottom – up. Little by little, the clouds started to clear and the sun would shine through if even for a few moments. Find the hope, the small belief that change is possible. That being well is possible. It’s a huge change to feel like you can do something about your situation versus feeling trapped and hopeless.

Realize where you are and that you want to – can – do something about it. Reach out for help, let someone know the thoughts and feelings you’ve been having. Take that first step in the climb, because no matter how cliché it sounds:

It is worth it.

You are worth it.