Why This Matters

I got married at 19 and I moved here to Toronto, Ontario, where I had only been twice before in my life. One time was with my family the summer before 8th grade. I still remember that trip- my excitement over my brand new pink striped purse. I thought I was so old because I had my very own purse to put my very own things in! But then I felt too awkward, like I was trying too hard to be older, to bring it into the church with me. So, in the van it sat. I remember going to my future husband’s house, completely unaware that he was my future husband. My friend and I wanted to hang out with him and his brothers but they started chucking pillows at us so we left. I also remember the traffic, miles long; watching the same pink car pass us in the next lane over, then we would catch up and pass it, and there it would go zooming past us again. A very long game of car leap frog, something for a bored and hungry girl to focus on.

My second trip here was when I was engaged to aforementioned pillow throwing future husband. He wasn’t throwing those pillows at me this trip, and definitely wasn’t telling me to go away! That week that I was here, it didn’t even enter my mind to get to know the people here- like, actually get to know them. I literally had my blinders on and the only thing I cared about was being with Nic. He took the week off work so he could show me all the sights; a day trip to Niagara Falls, a day spent in downtown Toronto, and shopping at all the different malls. We hung out with his family, met some of his friends at church, and I got to meet his extended family at our engagement party, but I never viewed those happenings as a time to reach out to possible future friends. I was solely focused on the day that I would say “I do”.

So here I came as a fresh bride, to a place I didn’t exactly want to be. I wanted to be with Nic though, so living here came with that. That first year was full of learning. Learning how to be a wife, adjusting to pregnancy, and making this place be home. I missed my family and friends, and that hurt. I made some new friends here, but I always felt that there was a line that I couldn’t cross; I wasn’t allowed to need anyone more than they needed me. I buried my true self and tried to ignore the void that I felt in my life.

I went through the daily motions, had days both good and bad, and just lived my life. Then the winter that I started my second pregnancy was one of the darkest times in our marriage. I numbed the feelings that were too hard to face and down I sunk. Nic would come home from work and I would feel nothing at seeing him. Not happy, not mad, just apathy. I slept in as late as I could so my days would seem shorter. I played candy crush all the time- ALL the time. Instead of filling my days to keep my mind busy, I tried to not do anything. To move as little and as slowly as possible.

I lived this way, not realizing how far I had gone. I remember thinking “what’s wrong with me?” and “why am I not happy?” I just thought that this was how my life was going to be, now that I was a mom. I thought it meant that I was a bad mom and that nobody else had ever felt this way. That spring, I decided enough was enough. My unhappiness was affecting my marriage, my self confidence, and every other aspect of my life. I decided that it was time to learn to be happy again, and that I needed to take control of my happiness. I started Operation: Happiness, a journal with daily writings about my explorations to find what made me happy. That was just the beginning.

I now know that I can’t avoid hard emotions. Or I can, but eventually I will have to face them. All that I have learned about myself (as a mom and just ME) and living true to that has inspired me to start this blog. Motherhood is hard and it’s not easy to talk about the hard stuff. I want this space to be an encouragement to work through the rough spots that come. I want it to be an inspiration for deciding what is most important in your own life, and living true to that. Yes, this is for you, but it is for me at the same time. This is motherhood as I’ve experienced it. I need to remind myself every day how I want to be: I want to live a full life with a full heart.

It's not always easy, but it's worth it.