Letting Go

Why is it so hard to tell someone, “I had depression”? Or “I struggle with depression”? The shame that I associate with it; that I’m weak, broken. I’m not actually as good of a mom because I didn’t love being a mom during that time. I still did my daily tasks, but they weren’t done with love.

Or the guilt that comes with that word, because I never experienced some great traumatic experience. I don’t feel that I’m allowed to feel depressed since I don’t have anything real to be depressed about. Many other people have gone through way harder times than I have, so I shouldn’t be depressed.

But loss is loss. In order to get past what you’re missing, you need to allow yourself to grieve. Once you have grieved the old story, only then can a new story start.

I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I couldn’t wait for the day that I would have my very own husband and my very own babies. I wanted a house with everyone just crammed right in there, a house full of love and noise. I married Nic when I was 19 years old, and on our first anniversary we had a two-month-old daughter. My long-awaited dream was now my reality, only it didn’t feel like a dream. It felt like normal life, except that my spark for life wasn’t burning bright. It wasn’t every day that I felt depressed- there were definitely good days in that first year of Guin’s life. But my overall memory of that year is that I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t living true to myself.

I missed my family and the place that I used to call home. I missed my friends and hanging out at Starbucks for hours on end. I missed the stores that I used to shop at, and seeing the mountains in the distance as I drove home from work. I loved Nic and my daughter, but I also missed being single and free. And I felt terrible for missing that, especially; I felt that I shouldn’t miss it. It wasn’t fair to my new family to feel that way.

But it’s okay to miss the past, and to grieve the fact that your life now isn’t what you thought it would be like. Let go of the guilt, fear, shame, and whatever else that you are holding onto with your old story. I believe that everything that happens has a purpose.

There is a reason your life is this way today.