A Letter From The Past

I’ve been quiet on here for a couple months now.

There’s been a few times that I’ve sat down to write some words to you, but the flow just hasn’t been there. I knew that I could coach myself through it, but I just didn’t have it in me.

I also didn’t trust that I was in a good enough head space to write words for anyone other than me to read.

These months since Thaddeus was born have been hard.

Yes, I have had so much help. I’ve been lucky enough to go on several trips. (interesting how we always need to qualify it, right? That’s a topic for another day.) and even still, it has been hard.

I told one of my coaches before he was born that I think there is going to be a lot of healing happening after number six is born. The healing I was picturing, was long days of snuggles on the couch and in bed where I just soak up his little newborn freshness. I was picturing long writing sessions, where I pour my heart out into this book that I’ve been working on. I thought that the house would be quiet as I listened to soft music and felt my feelings.

Somehow, I forgot that I have five other kids that would still be around when he was born.

There has been healing happening since he’s been born, but it certainly hasn’t looked like I thought it would. It has been dark. It’s been lots of days sitting on my couch – but not always savoring it. it’s been days of brain fog and feeling like my head is going to explode.

It’s been days of my husband calling on his way home from work, and an angry wife answering the phone. It’s been days of kids not listening and feeling out of control of my life.

It’s been feeling my feelings, and working to not make them mean anything about me. Hate. Rage. Anger. Depressed. Sadness. Grief. Contempt. Inadequacy. Lack.

It’s been me, wondering why I have to experience this. Falling into victim mentality again, feeling sorry for this life that I have to experience. Have to in both senses of the word – that it’s forced upon me, and also that it’s the one in front of me.

Healing isn’t easy.

It isn’t pretty.

I think I had forgotten that.

I have a new sense of what postpartum depression feels like. I have remembered why I wish it never happened to me in the first place. I have remembered why it’s so easy to be ashamed of this part of me, to want to reject these feelings and say they aren’t who I am.

I remember now what it’s like to be in that darkness, feeling lost and hopeless like you’re never going to get out. Feeling like you’re always going to feel this way. Not seeing a way through.

And I have a new sense of respect for anyone who has experienced postpartum depression and is still here to talk about it. The group that I am a part of, we have a weekly win that we share with each other each week, and mine last week was that I am still alive.

Not in the sense that I actually would take my own life, but in the sense that it’s a miracle feeling this way didn’t kill me.

It’s hard. And it’s okay that it’s hard.

I’m still here.

There was the difference between this time and all of my other times. I let it be okay that I’m struggling. I let other people in on my struggling. No, it’s not easy. No, I didn’t let everyone and their dog know what was going on.

But when it felt right, I shared.

And the parts that I couldn’t hide, I let myself be vulnerable in.

It isn’t an easy place to be in, to open yourself up to criticism and rejection. It’s not easy to show other people that you don’t just not have it all together – you really don’t have it all together.

We’re so quick to want to fix it, to make it all better, to push away the dirt and tie it up in a bow.

We’re so quick to judge ourselves, or judge others, for not showing up as our best or how we think we should.

It isn’t easy to be in the messy middle, and to be okay being in it.

But letting yourself hit rock bottom – no matter if this is the first time or what feels like the millionth time – is the perfect place to start. It doesn’t mean you’re broken or that you’re falling behind or that there’s something wrong with you.

It means you’re ready for a fresh start, a clean slate. It means everything can be burned to the ground and built from the ground up.

It means you’re ready for a firm foundation underneath everything in your life. What better work to be doing than making sure there is a strong hold under it all?

It isn’t the pretty work, nor the easy work.

It isn’t flashy or something that you want to tell everyone about.

But you know what? It’s the most important – for you and for your family.

It’s the work that you feel the most. You feel if you’ve done it in the strength and security that you feel, knowing you have something to fall back on. And you feel if you haven’t done it, in the way that you feel like you’re being tossed about in a windstorm with nothing firm to hold onto.

The reason that I can help my clients through their darkness, is because I know my own so well.

I know the emotions that are in it, and how easy it can be to get sucked up into them.

I know the reasons we feel like we have something to hide, something to be ashamed of. And I also know the importance of working through those things so that they don’t take over our lives.

I could easily tell myself that because I have this darkness in me, I am unequipped to help anyone else through anything. I could easily decide to curl up in a ball and hide from all of you, from all of my life, and to shelter this part of me that feels broken.

But it isn’t the life that I want to live, and since you’re here – I assume it isn’t the life that you want to live either.

The life that you want is available to you. All you need to do is reach out and grab it.

Do I have depression?

One of the most common questions I hear, is

How do I know if I have depression or not?

The uncertainty of what depression actually looks and feels like keeps us from getting the help that we need.

I did a class last week on healing from postpartum depression, and it hit a chord. This information is something that every mom needs to be aware of; we need to know what to look for and what to do about it.

I'm breaking the class down into bite size videos so that they are more accessible for you. The first one is titled Is this depression? and in it, I cover:

- Why our brain wants a clear yes or no answer to this.

- Why you might be also avoiding getting the clear answer.

- How it makes perfect sense if you have depression.

- The different levels of depression.

- Where to get help when at each level.

You can watch the video here, and as always - please forward to a friend who comes to mind when you're watching it.

It's time for us to stop feeling confused and helpless when it comes to mental health.

You in? <3

Also, any questions about what you learned? Come find me on Instagram, or email me. I'm more than happy to answer them.

Love Letter To You

Have you ever had something that was your complete heart, and then you lost it? And the grief that you felt over losing it was enough to break you in two?

This is the pain of postpartum depression.

I always wanted to be a mom. It was my biggest dream.

But then I was a mom, and it was the last thing I wanted to be.

I thought I had made a mistake – I shouldn’t have gotten married.

I was angry. I felt like I had been deceived – someone should have told me this is how it would be.

I thought something was wrong with me that I felt this way – did anyone else have such a hard time?

I hated my life – my kids, my husband, where I lived.

And most of all, I hated myself for feeling this way – I should be more grateful.

I felt like my dream had been ripped from my hands, unjustly.

I didn’t know what to do or where to go.

I knew that in the long run, I wanted to stay a mom, to stay believing.

But for today, I couldn’t see how. I didn’t have the energy to even want what I knew I wanted most.

The grief of that turned into depression.

Because what’s the point in moving forward, if what you want isn’t possible?

If you can’t have what it is that you most desire?

It felt easier to not feel. To curl up in a ball and just go to sleep.

To hope that it would just go away.

But I know that it doesn’t just go away.

If it worked, I would tell you to keep doing what you’re doing.

Instead, these are the words that I want to give you:

You aren’t ready to want a new life just yet. First, you need to grieve the old one. Let yourself.

Feel anger, grief, rage, depressed, hopeless. You can move through these emotions, because they aren’t who you truly are. I know that.

There is a difference between feeling angry and being angry. Learn to feel it without responding in it.

Open up to your husband. He’s trying to help you, because he loves you – truly loves you. The only reason you can’t see it is because you don’t love you.

Be gentle with yourself as you process this pain. Separate out what is true pain, and where you are layering suffering on top. Allow yourself to hurt.

You aren’t running behind. You aren’t missing out by allowing yourself to work through this. Take the time now so that you have more time on the other side of it.

Know that you won’t always feel this way. There is light on the other side of this that is brighter than you can even imagine. Keep going.

And lastly, you’ve got this. I know many days it feels like you really don’t – but you do.

You think that postpartum depression is the reason you can’t be the mom that you always thought you would be – I know that it’s the reason you will be.

Let me show you.

I see you.

I see you.

I know your pain.

The darkness is so heavy

You don’t know who you are

Where to turn

Or what to do.

You just want it to go away.

The last thing you want to do is to go through it again.

This pain that seems to rip your heart in two.

But come with me. Take my hand.

I’ll lead you through it.

You aren’t going it on your own.

You are safe with me.

I can see the other side.

I know the path through the darkness.

I can see the rocks, the roots that are waiting to trip you up.

I’ll gently guide you around them

So that you make it to the other side.

Because on the other side is a life

That is more beautiful than you ever imagined

One that feels like joy

Contentment

Happiness

Peace

Love

Truth

Present

Like your body can’t even contain this big of a feeling

Like your heart is overflowing

And you will be so grateful to the you

That allowed yourself to walk this path

There isn’t anything wrong with you

There isn’t.

You are beautiful.

You are whole

You are worthy.

You are enough.

It’s okay if you don’t believe those words just yet.

I believe them for you.

I’m there for you,

Until you are strong enough

To be there for you.

Want love letters like this straight to your inbox? Sign up here.

I have a fire in me.

I have to say.

I have a fire in me that is burning bright.

It’s been simmering for a while.

I told my friends this past weekend to watch out. It’s coming out soon.

One of them promised she’d have the fire extinguisher ready.

What’s this fire in me you ask?

This fire is a fire for LIFE.

It’s a fire for what I believe in. What I’m willing to stand up for.

And what I stand up for, is you.

You who is struggling and is too overwhelmed to reach out for help.

You who sometimes wishes that you were dead and is just going through the motions.

There is room to hold space for this pain, but there isn’t room to hold space for the suffering.

There is too much goodness in life to keep letting that darkness take over so much of you.

This isn’t a game that I’m playing.

I’m not sitting here trying to convince you to give me your money so that I can run off to Jamaica. (Although that would be nice.)

The reason that I’m selling you coaching, is so you can feel better.

That life that you want?

Or feeling like you’re so full of life that you could just burst?

That’s what you get when you work with me.

I know there are those of you out there that are wondering if this is for you. You feel a pull, but you’re scared. You don’t know if it will work. You think life doesn’t work that way. That it sounds too good to be true.

You can keep those thoughts if you want, but I can tell you that they will keep getting you the same life that you have today.

Where you struggle with accepting babies. Where you’re jealous of other people’s lives.

Where you aren’t happy with where you’re living. Where you don’t just love and accept your husband’s family as your own.

Where you will always wonder if you should’ve done something different in your life. Maybe if you would’ve waited to get married it would be easier. Maybe if your kids weren’t so close together it’d be easier.

Whatever your story is about your life – it’s just that. A story.

Not truth.

Not fact.

Optional.

And I love you too much to not give you this kick in the pants.

Everything that you’ve ever dreamed of, is on the other side of working with me.

Yes, it is possible to love your life as a mom of a big family.

Yes, it is possible to truly heal from PPD. Not by years of therapy, not with medication, not with hormone balancing – through working with a coach alone.

The changes that have happened in my past six months have blown any other changes out of the water. And know what the biggest shift has been? My relationship with myself.

(How does relationship with myself heal depression? Maybe your brain says: That can’t be true. That isn’t the real problem. The real problem is hormones and diet and exercise.)

I’m telling you – maybe they have an effect, and you can definitely do that work too.

But if that was the real problem, then wouldn’t we all be healed from our depression by now?

The deepest change happens when you heal your broken relationship with yourself.

When you decide to prioritize you.

When you decide to love you, even with this dark hole that’s inside of you.

When you decide that you are worth living for. That you are worth money. Time. Energy. Investment.

When you decide that your opinions matter.

When you ask yourself how you’re feeling, and you show yourself that you care.

When you ask yourself what you want, what you need, and then you get to work making it happen.

This is the kind of change that heals postpartum depression.

It’s available for me.

It’s available for you.

Let’s go.

Your life is waiting for you.

Ask Me

Ask me the hard questions.

When you see that I’m not myself.

Draw me closer

When you see me pulling away.

This voice that is in my head

Whispering lies

That feel like truth

Is so convincing.

I can’t always do the work myself

And that’s why I need you.

I need you to know me

To know who I truly am.

I need you to see me

To see who I really am.

When I can’t see it myself.

Be my mirror.

Reflect back to me

The truth of me

So I can begin to see

To believe

To hold onto

And become.

Nothing is more important.

There is nothing more important to me than staying in faith and raising my kids with love.

Nothing.

Yet how often I would look around me – and my life reflected none of that back at me.

Instead of trusting in what God had in store for me, I was counting the months between my babies and wishing they weren’t so close together.

Instead of looking forward to having a large family, I struggled to see how I could take any more on.

Instead of loving on my kids, I just wanted them to leave me alone so that I could do my own thing.

I used all of these struggles against myself – they were proof that I was doing it wrong. That I had made a mistake in becoming a mom, and that my kids would be better off without me in their lives. The shame in even having these thoughts – what kind of a mom am I to think this way? – kept me from opening up about them and getting the help that I needed.

I could talk about them to my husband, but he didn’t know what to do to help me. I could talk with friends, my mom, my sisters, but they also couldn’t help.

My low times postpartum were where these thoughts became the strongest, where I wasn’t strong enough to see them for what they were – lies.

I wasn’t planning on starting work until the end of March, but around Christmas time I started getting a nudge to get back to it. it literally felt like someone was pushing me forward, right behind my sternum. Strangest feeling, other than when someone is literally pushing you forward from inside your belly.

I feel so strongly that this work is needed right now – not starting next month, or next year, but now. It can be easy to push it off because you don’t know what will happen in the future, to hope that it will get better or go away on it’s own, but it doesn’t. when you haven’t worked through something like postpartum depression, it comes with you. I don’t say this to make you feel guilty for not working through it, but to open your eyes. There is that guilt, the shame, the inadequacy that hangs onto you and you can’t quite shake it off. This isn’t how you need to live for the rest of your life. Change is possible.

I can help you.

Sending you all love, wherever you are.

Two Competing Voices

Have you ever noticed how you seem to have two competing voices in your brain?

One tends to want to choose the easier route, the route that is familiar.
This voice feels heavier, like giving up or giving in.
Like you aren’t choosing the one that you actually want- but it’s the easiest choice so you just go with it.

The other voice is the more reasonable one – the one that is more you.
But it also tends to feel like the harder choice, the one that requires more work. More effort.
It has less guarantee of how it will work out.

This is how the human brain works. There are two parts that are concerned with different things.

One part is called the primitive brain. It’s wired to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and conserve energy. It’s concerned with what pain you are experiencing now, and how to make it easier. It’s favorite is instant gratification.

The other part is the prefrontal cortex. This is the part of us that can see long term. It knows where we ultimately want to go and why. It is willing to be uncomfortable now in order to gain the long term fulfillment.

There tends to be a lot of anxious, anticipation, nervous, hopeful type of feelings that come with this voice, because your primitive brain isn’t too sure if it can trust the prefrontal cortex.

How often are you dismissing this second voice because the easier voice wins out?
The first one feels safer, perhaps truer, but it’s also creating the exact life that you are living today.
The one where you keep getting stuck in these same patterns. Struggling with these same feelings of depression, anger, and guilt.

I want you to get clear on what each voice sounds like in your head.
Notice how each voice feels. Are these thoughts and feelings going to create the healing in your life that you want?
Also ask yourself – which voice allows me to be more of the mom that I want to be?

In our work together, my clients get clear on which voice is serving them and how to choose that voice more often.
It’s in changing the little moments each day that add up to create the life that you want to live.
There’s nothing wrong with you, and you aren’t weak for continuing to give into the voice that is easiest.
It’s simply a skill that you need to learn.

This is one part that we are going to dive into next week during the five-day course. Make sure you’re signed up – you can join us here.

The Brains Safety Zone

Ever wonder why the moment you decide to make a change, your life suddenly feels fine as is?

Your brain tells you – see? You don’t need help. You don’t need to do anything different. It’s totally fine – this is just what life is.

This might last a few days, a few weeks, a few months.

Then you find yourself right back where you were before – feeling frustrated that you’re still struggling these same things all over again.

This doesn’t happen because your life is destined to be this way, that you’re never meant to move past it, or that this is just how you are.

This only happens because your brain prefers safety. It wants to stay in what it knows – what I like to call comfortable misery.

Your brain knows this cycle of depression, resentment, feeling stuck, anger, and guilt.

If you were to make a change, if you were to do something different, your brain doesn’t know what would happen.

So many things could go wrong – it might not work, you might fail, you might see how truly broken you are.

Your brain doesn’t want to take those risks, so it shows you that everything is fine. That nothing needs to change.

The only problem with this, is that each time you say yes to safety, you say no to the life that you actually want.

You can sense that possibility, but you never move past this cycle to the life that you dream of having.

It leaves you feeling like you’re missing out on something amazing, and like there’s nothing you can do about it.

This dream wants to be heard – that’s why it keeps coming back to you.

This struggle is meant to be worked through and learned from – that’s why it keeps coming up for you.

If you’re ready to let go of your depression and become the mom you always thought you would be, make sure you’re signed up for the free course next week. We are spending five days diving into what your depression is and why it’s here.

I’m also going to be announcing my new program called Depression to Dream. It’s where we take you from stuck in this cycle to the life that you always wanted to have.

You can join us right here.

See you soon.

Hormones and Thoughts

I was having a conversation with a past client recently. She was saying how she had just been feeling down for a couple of days, but she didn’t know why. She didn’t think that she was thinking thoughts that were making her feel down, she thought that she just was having a couple down days.

I reminded her that we have so many thoughts a day that it isn’t possible to be aware of each and every one. Our brains are like well oiled machines, and the majority of the thoughts that we think are just on default. We don’t even recognize that we are having them. 

When our hormones are off, of course it’s easier to have darker thoughts and heavier feelings. This is where depression and anxiety, especially postpartum, come into play.

It becomes easier to get stuck in these thought loops and believe them to be true, because they feel so true.

But when we blame it all on our hormones, that leaves us feeling like a victim. That’s where we think we have no control over how we feel, because it’s our hormones that are causing us to feel this way.

When we don’t have control over something, it leads us to not do anything about it. When we don’t do anything about it, we stay stuck in our patterns.

We could also decide that hormones are what they are, and still take responsibility for how we think and feel. There are things that we can do to help our hormone health – whether it’s working with a naturopath, getting bloodwork done, watching our diet, etc – but hormones are also a part of life. We are meant to have ebbs and flows of hormones depending on what stage of life we are in.

There is a purpose for these hormonal changes.
They aren’t a problem.

This is where we can have compassion and understanding for where we are at. It also puts us back in charge of how we feel.

Being in charge of how we feel is very different from judging these dark thoughts and feelings that we have. It's very different from judging ourselves for thinking them - for “being this way”.

Many times this is why we don’t want to look at what’s going on inside of us – we’re so used to blaming things outside of our control, that when we take that blame off of them, then we begin to blame ourselves instead.

When we decide that we are always responsible for how we are thinking and feeling, we choose deliberately what is happening. We accept the negative thoughts and feelings that we have, and allow them to be here because we know that this is part of being a human.
And acceptance, as we know, is one of the main foundations for change.
We can’t change what we aren’t aware of, and we definitely can’t change what we are resisting.

Which one do you need to focus on this week? Is it beginning to take responsibility and let go of blame?
Or do you need to stop resisting and judging, and begin to have more compassion and understanding?

Start with recognizing where you are at, and just being with it.
That in itself goes a long ways.

P.S. Want more posts like this, right to your inbox? You can get on my email list right here.

Shame and Freedom

What is your experience of shame?
Can you feel it in your body, or how do you know that you feel shame?
So often I find that my clients don’t even know what shame feels like. They know what shame is only by the response that they have to it.

What does it feel like for you?
Perhaps it’s a heaviness in your chest. A tightness in your throat. Maybe a constricting feel around your rib cage.
Find where it is in your body, and just let that feeling be there.
Go throughout your day today, allowing this emotion to be there and to come with you. Let it be there as you do the dishes, as you take care of the kids, as you talk to your husband.

Your instinct may be to tense up against it, to try to push it away. Notice when you are doing this, and just come back to your breath. Put on a hand on the center of your chest, and remind yourself that you are okay. That this is simply what shame feels like, and it’s not something that you need to run away from.

This feeling is welcome here.

You may notice yourself getting mad, impatient, frustrated – with yourself, your kids, this emotion, your husband. Recognize this too, and remind yourself that it’s also okay. Again, take a deep breath right down to your belly, and relax into that feeling.

This is just a sensation that you are feeling.
It’s not something to be afraid of.

The reason that we don’t want to open up to this emotion and feel it, is because of what we make it mean about us, about our worth.
We make it mean that we really are worthless, disgusting, or a piece of crap.

When our brain registers this emotion, it takes it as a sign that we have something to be ashamed of. Something to hide from other people.
We don’t want other people to know the truth about us. We don’t want them to think the same thoughts about us that we have about ourselves.

But how can you heal, if you don’t open yourself up?
How can you work through your depression, your darkness, if you don’t understand what is going on?

Shame keeps you from healing. It keeps you trapped in your story that there is something wrong with you.
Not because there is actually something wrong with you or actually something to hide, but simply because you don’t know how to process the emotion of shame yet.

That’s all.

It can feel scary to open up to this emotion, especially when you are so used to pushing it away. It can feel like you are the only one, that it is necessary to not open up about your specific experience.

It’s not.

Learning how to process shame is a skill that every single human has the ability to learn.
And on the other side of that shame is a freedom that you haven’t tasted before.
Come with me.
I’ve got you.

Want more posts like this, straight to your inbox? You can get on my email list right here. I send emails out every week, helping you to see what is holding you back from healing from your depression.

You Are Getting Stronger

You are getting stronger.
Even when you can’t see it. Even when you don’t feel it.

You are growing.
Even when it feels like you keep falling down that same pattern. Even when it feels like you’ve learned so much that you shouldn’t still feel this way.

Healing is a process. A journey.
One, I think, where there is no there.
One where there is exactly where you are today.

I know that this is the last thing that we want to hear when we are in our darkest moments. We want to know that we don’t have to feel this way. That we will feel better.
And that is true – you won’t always feel this way.
But think about where you are coming from.
Trying to escape the darkness, versus choosing to move through it.
Believing that feeling this way means something is wrong with you, versus knowing that feeling this way is a part of being a human.

Leaning into the truth of that allows you to focus on how much you have grown, instead of how much you still have to go.
It’s natural for our brain to be looking for what’s going wrong in our life. To look for how far we still have to go. To see how much we lack.

But this is where you come in.
You get to remind your brain of the ways that you are getting stronger.
You get to decide to celebrate each and every win throughout your day, no matter how small it may be.
You get to choose to strengthen the part of your brain that focuses on these wins. That breathes them in. That savors them.

The more that you do this, the stronger that part of you becomes.
The stronger that part of you becomes, the easier it is to appreciate your growth.
The easier it is to appreciate your growth, the more you do it.
The more that you do it, the more you truly just enjoy the life that you have.

And isn’t that what we are all looking for?
That contentment with our life, exactly as it is.
Not needing it to be perfect, or for anything to change.
What we want is to feel exactly how we want to feel – alive. Full. At peace.

This is how you get there.
One moment at a time.

This is what I help my clients do. Accept where they are. Work through their darkness, and lean into their light. Decide who they want to be, and then help them show up that way each and every day. Having unconditional love for themselves as they learn, fail, and grow.

It’s not an end that we are searching for – it’s the life that we are creating. When you’re ready for this in your life, simply email me the word “HOPE” and I’ll respond with the details.

Slow It Down

Belief is your overarching how, the part that will ultimately get you there because you never give up.

But what do you do in those moments when you don’t believe that it’s possible?

What do you do in those moments when you react exactly how you always do, even though you told yourself this time would be different?

The answer is creating awareness. Knowing what the problem is, and why it’s here. Knowing what the solution is, and implementing it.

But how do I create awareness?

Awareness isn’t something that just thumps you over the head one day – suddenly you have awareness and you’re enlightened. I like to explain it as having three levels of awareness.

First, you become aware that there is a problem. For example, let’s say that you always make things your husband says mean something about you – which always leads to a fight. You’re able to think through the scenario logically afterwards, and see why it went how it did.

Next comes awareness during. You’re in the conversation, watching yourself respond in the exact same way that you always do, but aren’t able to redirect in the moment. Afterwards, you sit down and really break it down. Why did I think this when he said that? Where is this coming from? You’re able to separate yourself from the situation, and view it with curiosity.

The third stage is the ability to redirect during. He says something, and you notice your brain go to its habitual place. You acknowledge it, and tell your brain “I hear you, but this is where we’re going instead.” You intentionally choose a new path, one that creates a different outcome.

It isn’t a linear first you’re in stage one, then stage two, then stage three. It’s a shifting forward and backward – sometimes you get it, and sometimes you don’t.

It’s having compassion for yourself when you don’t show up how you want to.

How many times have you given up, because you didn’t get it “right”?

How many times have you told yourself that you’ll never get it – that it’s just who you are?

None of that is true. Everything is changeable, if you follow these steps.

1.       Believe you will get there.

2.       Try.

3.       Fail.

4.       Evaluate.

5.       Try again.

All the way until you get where you want to be.

You’ve got this.

This is the work that I do with my clients. We spend one hour each week focused solely on the area of their life that is a problem for them. They have committed to making the change by signing up to work with me (belief), and then each session we evaluate what’s working and what isn’t. In between calls, they are trying and failing and succeeding. This is how change is created. When you’re ready for this in your life, simply email me and I’ll send you the details.

Yes, But How?

We want to know how. Before we start a project, before we begin a new journey, before we do anything in our life, we want to know how.

With the internet, we have so much information that it’s coming out of our ears. We have enough hows to get us from here to Timbuktu and back again.

And yet still, how many have actually created the business that they wanted?

How many of us have actually created the change that we want to see in our lives?

Because the truth is, you won’t know how until after you’ve done it.

It’s so easy to consume information – to read all the books, listen to all the podcasts, and watch all of the free trainings.

But if this is all that it took, then everyone would be feeling better and living the life of their dreams, right?

It takes failing and trying again. Not just pretty sounding failure – but failure where you literally want to quit. Where all that sounds good in the moment is a big tub of ice cream and the couch, with another good book to read.

But most of all, what will get you from here to there – is belief.

Faith.

Trusting.

It’s going inward, to that place in the center of your chest. Touching your fingers to your sternum, and feeling that connection to you. It’s breathing deep, filling that area with breath, and letting it out.

It’s knowing that you aren’t alone in this journey – that God is with you through it all too. He brought you this far, and He won’t leave you now.

It’s belief that you will get there, that you are getting there – even on the days that you feel like you’re back at square one. Even on the days that all you want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

There is a purpose in each and every turn of your life. Not so that you need to go and find a deep meaning in every second of every day – but just that you can lean into and trust that it’s going exactly as it should.

Because when we can trust that it is working, that you are healing, and that you are becoming who you want to be – you don’t give up. You hold onto that faith, no matter how thin it might be. You keep going, even when it doesn’t look how you thought it would.

You keep taking that next step that’s in front of you, no matter how small it might be.

Next Friday, I’ll have a post on what it actually looks like to try and fail, and how to know if it’s working. Stay tuned.

Why You Haven't Figured It Out Yet

I love to think.
To go inside my brain with a problem, and to ask myself why. Why this problem?
And with that question, figuring out the answer to the problem.
I’ve been thinking recently about what keeps us from figuring out what is actually wrong, and fixing it.
These are five of the main themes that I see come up with my clients and on consult calls:

1. Thoughts are the root of all problems. But when these thoughts feel true, you aren’t able to see them as the actual problem. They simply feel like fact, so you don’t even address them. Or you don’t see another way to look at the situation without feeling like you’re lying to yourself.

2. We don’t know how to hold space. We are IN our story. We’re living it. Being able to step outside of our life, and view it from a neutral space, is necessary in working through depression. In working through any struggle in life. We continue to believe our thoughts, because it’s what is easiest for our brain – and in continuing to believe these thoughts, we continue to create the exact same life that we have.

3. We don’t know how to feel our feelings. Like thought work, this can also feel nebulous. It’s a skill to learn what it feels and looks like for YOU. But it’s also one of the most important things that we can do. Learning to just let an emotion be, instead of pushing it away or “doing something” with it. We spend too much time in our heads, spinning on thoughts and not knowing how to stop them. Through processing emotion, we are able to let those thoughts go, and just be.

4. “You can’t solve the problem with the same brain that created the problem in the first place.” I love this quote. We are the problem, but we are also the solution. We need to address our decision-making processes – the big ones but also the little ones. Our lives are made up of all of the decisions that we make throughout the day. When we decide to eat the cookie, instead of going for a walk – why? What is behind that decision?

5. Because “This is just who I am.” It’s not true. Our brain is designed to define ourselves by our past. To go to the past to decide who it is that we are. It keeps files of evidence about how true this belief is in ourselves. That’s why it feels true that there’s something wrong with me, that I’m just a mom with depression, that I’m just to complicated to figure out. Simply because of how often you’ve thought those thoughts.

You are not your thoughts, you are not your feelings, and you are not your actions. You, as a human being, are whole and worthy.

Learning to separate who you are from your depression is the first step in healing, and it’s not a complicated or confusing process. It’s a skill that can be learned. That, when learned, will completely change how you experience the rest of your life.

It's learning to hold space for yourself, for your thoughts and your feelings.
It's learning how to let go of thoughts that you don't want, and choose new ones that you do.
It's learning how to feel your feelings, and generate feelings you want more of.
It's working through this, so that the things that you want to be doing, you know will make you feel better, come with less of a fight.

This is the work that we do in our three months together.
This is what creates the life that you want to have.

Postpartum Depression; Not a Problem

What if postpartum depression isn’t a problem?

When we experience it once, the thought of it consumes so much of us the next time around.
It’s as though there is a dark cloud, always hanging on the horizon.
We’re watching it, worrying if it’s going to come closer.
Constantly judging its distance from us.
Fearing that today it's closer than yesterday.

But with all of this fear and worry, all of this resisting and trying to avoid – that dark cloud descends.
It feels like we have no choice. No control.
It feels like it’s happening to us again.

Even with all of our preparation.
Even with all of our awareness and the work that we’ve done.
We spin out in our thoughts, thinking again that maybe this is just how it will always be.
It's not.
Rather than resisting it, lean into it instead.
Lean into the fear, the worry, the darkness.
See those thoughts that are in your head. Write them out.
Acknowledge these feelings. Feel them.

There is space here for all of it – all of the darkness.
This isn’t reacting; it’s just being.
It's sitting with these feelings and where we are at.

Our brains want to tell us it’s not safe to do this. That we must run away from it.
That if we allow ourselves to feel depressed, then it will just take over us. Take over our life.
It won't.

When we allow ourselves to feel instead of resist, we see that it's just another emotion.
One that is here, and then leaves.

Resisting always leaves us at the effect of our depression.
Feeling it brings us into control.

So instead of hiding, instead of pushing it away, instead of reacting to it – today I want you to just allow those feelings to be there.
Wrap yourself in a hug, and just let it be.

This darkness can feel scary to sit with on our own – but this is the most important work that we can do. It’s called holding space, and it’s one of the greatest gifts that I bring to my session with my clients. It’s space for them to open up to these thoughts and feelings, and to see that it means nothing about them.

If this is what you need, reach out.

You are not broken.
You are whole.

There Is Another Way

A healthy mom, a whole mom, is worth the world.

To the husband that loves her.

To the kids that want to be taken care of by her.

Who want only her - only their mom.

What if even with all of this darkness, this brokenness, she is still worthy? Still worthy of love, still worthy to be here.

To belong.

This is her place; these are her people.

Why has she fought it for so long?

Why has she pushed so hard against what it means to be mom?

This is who she is, at the core of her.

It’s like denying herself. Fighting herself on everything.

The difference is leaning into it – leaning into all of it.

The heartache.

The frustration.

The anger.

The darkness.

The shame.

It’s knowing that pain is part of this life. Accepting it.

It’s letting go of the rest – letting go of the shoulds, the shouldn’ts, the arguing with what is. Letting go of all the unnecessary suffering that is being layered on top of that pain.

Because pain is okay; suffering is not.

Pain comes with being alive; suffering is created by ourselves.

And when we can see this from a place of responsibility, not blame, that’s when we’re able to change.

That’s when we’re able to love ourselves enough to give us what we need.

To finally listen to what’s inside.

To finally move through it.

What is this health, this wholeness, worth to you?

What would it mean to you, to finally work through it and be the mom that you want to be?

Right now, it feels like there are two options:

1.       Doing what you’re doing now: continuing to try get better, but beating yourself up every time you go down the same cycle. Wondering if this is how you are, and if you will ever be able to fully change.

2.       Or leaving. You know this isn’t what you actually want, but sometimes it feels like the easiest way out.

There is another way.

You can be a mom AND be happy.

Even with depression. Even with this brokenness. Even with all of the parts of you that you don’t like, that you don’t want to look at, that you wish would just go away.

This is the way.

Let me show you.

My Clients (Are The Best.)

My clients are the ones who are finally ready to bite the bullet.

To dig into these issues that keep coming up.

My clients are the ones that are ready to do the work.

They have fears, worries, wonder if this will be the thing.

If this will work for them.

But they decide to take a step that they haven’t taken before, even with those fears.

They are willing to bet on themselves, to believe in themselves.

They may not see the full pathway ahead of them, but they are ready to trust that they will get there.

They are ready to trust that image, no matter how faint, of a life where they feel better.

Where they feel how they want to feel.

My clients are willing to look at the thoughts in their head, and to view them with compassion.

They’re willing to feel the feelings that they have long pushed aside, resisted, avoided, reacted to.

Even if it’s just feeling it for a few seconds at a time, they’re willing to try something new.

They trust that they’re safe.

They see this as a foundation for the rest of their lives.

They see that even when it feels as though they’re going backwards, there is a point to the pain. They see that it’s not actually going backwards, but instead moving forwards.

Always forwards.

My clients are ready to let go of pity. Of blame. Of judgement.

Of themselves and of others.

My clients are ready to look at their actions with curiosity.

With love.

They’re ready to let go of everything that’s holding them back, so they can just be.

It’s a slowing down and re-centering.

It’s letting go of who they thought they’d be.

It’s facing the darkness that’s in all of us, and instead of fearing it – accepting it.

Loving even these parts of us.

And through this, they recognize that who they are is a million times brighter than who they thought they’d be.

Than they ever imagined they’d be.

Are you ready to see that in you?

It’s in each and every one of you.

Fear Based Decsions

When we make decisions based in fear, we get fear based results.

How often have you stopped moving forward on something because you thought of all that you could lose?

How often have you said no, because of those what if’s floating in your head?

Our brains job is to protect us – we know this.

And this is how it keeps us safe – it reminds us of all the ways it could go wrong, of all the possibilities that are sure to cause us pain.

It doesn’t want us to try something new and unknown. Scary.

It wants us to be aware of what we stand to lose if we go all in and don’t get the result that we want to see.

But what if we changed these questions of how it might not work, to what if it does work?

What if we began to look at life with what we stand to gain by trying something new?

What would change if we began making decisions based in possibility instead?

What if we asked ourselves What would I do if I knew I could not fail?

This doesn’t mean that we won’t ever fail, or that we shouldn’t fail.

This means that we are going all in on what that voice in our head is telling us.

It means that we are finally beginning to listen to what we truly want, instead of what we think we should want. The life that we think we should have.

We are able to make friends with failure, to accept that it’s a part of this process.

We are able to allow ourselves to feel disappointed when something doesn’t work out the way we wanted it to, because we know that disappointment is simply a feeling. One that comes and then goes. One that isn’t something to be afraid of, and one that doesn’t cause us any harm.

This is what coaching is all about. The skills, the tools, the mindset shift that you gain when working with me is invaluable.

It is something that you will never forget, that can never be taken from you.

You learn to apply this work in one area of your life, and then apply these same concepts to each and every area of your life.

You begin to accept life as it really is.

You begin to see and accept – with understanding – your part in everything.

You begin to let go of blame and pity – that you’ve had for yourself and those around you.

You see that anger isn’t a problem, because it’s just an emotion. One that can be felt and not reacted in.

You see that love is always a choice, and that the more you choose to give yourself, the more you also have to give others.

There is no losing here, there is only winning.

For yourself.

For your husband. Your kids.

For every single person you come into contact with.

This is something that will serve you now, and for the rest of your life.

It’s time to listen to those fears, to accept that they’re there, and to tell them to get in the backseat.

They’re coming along for the ride, but they’re no longer running your life.

Your time is now – this is exactly what you’ve been looking for.

Beneath It Is Fear

I get questions about how much it costs to work with me, but one of the reasons that I don’t have my prices listed is because it’s rarely about the money.

Our brains just like to use that as a reason to say no to something that we know will help us.

How often have I looked at a coach’s website and thought, This is exactly what I need ?

Then I get to the price, and I think I couldn’t pay that much.

No matter what the price is, that’s my brains first response.

But what is behind the hesitation to invest money into whatever problem it is that we want to solve?

It’s a fear that it won’t work.

We all have this fear that it works for others, but that we’re broken somehow and it won’t work for us.

That we will put time and money into it, and we will find ourselves exactly where we are right now.

Minus the cash that would’ve been better spent on food, on the kids, on our home.

We want to know if the cost risk is low enough that if it didn’t work, we wouldn’t be hurting too much.

That our husband wouldn’t be too mad at us over the amount.

This is simply a lack of belief in ourselves.

A lack of belief that we can heal, that we can change, that we can actually do what it is that we say we want to do.

It’s easier to say that our husband doesn’t want us to, or that we don’t have the money, or that our life won’t change that much anyway (because life isn’t perfect, right?)

But when we can get beneath those reasons to the root cause, that’s where we find the gold.

That’s where we see what we’re really working with.

What is really stopping us from getting where we want to be.

Because all that is in the way of where you are now and where you want to be, is your thoughts.

That’s it.

And when we can see the truth in that, and take responsibility for it instead of blaming and shaming, that’s when we can get to work.

Are you ready to see what’s truly holding you back?

That’s what we cover in the free call that I offer.

We go over what you’re struggling with now.

We dream about where you want to be (this is the fun part – where you let go of all ties on reality and just dream. When’s the last time you did that?)

Then we figure out what your next best step is to getting there – whether it’s working with me or if there’s something else that you need to focus on first.

You leave this call being clear on where you are and where you want to be. You will know what the actual problem is to work on, rather than what you think is the problem.

You will have your next steps in place. Those steps that will take you where you want to be.

Ready?

Let’s get started.