Uncommitted

Where are you not fully committed in your life?
It’s not always easy to recognize indecision. Sometimes it’s clear – like the fact that I don’t want to decide which color to paint my house.
Other times we don’t see that we’re indulging in indecision, because it feels so true.

How often do you go from being irritated that your husband doesn’t get what you really need, to feeling bitter and thinking that you would be better off if you had never married him?
This isn’t a matter of you not loving him enough.
It’s not a matter of you made the wrong decision, or married the wrong man.

It’s just that your brain isn’t fully committed to this life that you currently have.
It’s simply a matter of your brain, continually scanning for ways to avoid the emotions you’re experiencing right now.
It’s looking for what is happening in your life to blame for how you are feeling.
Not because there’s something wrong with you.
It’s just because you have a human brain.

Your happiness doesn’t come from outside of you – it’s something that you create in your own life, no matter what your life looks like.
Right now, your brain is believing that if your life were different – then it would be easier to be happy.
But you get to decide to be happy. You get to decide that this life, this exact one that you have today, is the one that you are going to be happy in.

And when you make that decision, you need to let go of Plan B.
You will need to continue letting go of those indulgent thoughts of My life would be easier if…
It’s a simple decision: I choose to commit to this husband. To these kids. To this life. To me.
To continue to choose it each and every day.

As you work through these thoughts and feelings, you will need a lot of love and understanding.
Instead of judging yourself for feeling this way, or resisting whatever emotions are coming up for you - ask yourself why.
Why am I feeling this way?
Where is this coming from?
And it's okay to be where I am.

This is where the change is made.

It’s hard doing this work on our own. We question ourselves.  We wonder if we’re doing it right, if we’re even getting anywhere with all of this pain. If you’re done doing it yourself, hit reply. We’ll schedule a call to see if this is what you need.

The Way Out Is Through

One of the things with depression is how near sighted you become. How wrapped in your own pain, that you can’t feel anything else.

You don’t see others hurting, no matter how much you love them.

You barely even feel that love, because there isn’t room for it with the pain.

You hurt so much. That empty expanse in your chest either feels wide open and aching, or closed and hollow.

Not much in between.

It’s like you literally don’t care.

About anything.

But yet this isn’t who you are – you know that.

You know that you love.

That you care.

That you’re a person who breathes, who lives.

Who wants.

Who hurts.

But part of you wonders – is this darkness me?

It confuses you.

Who am I with this?

Is this who I am now?

Or what am I?

This isn’t you, but it’s a part of you.

The blocking it out, pushing it away is what creates the emptiness.

The not caring.

When you’re in that fog, it’s as though nothing exists beyond your suffering.

You have nothing to give, because there is nothing to give.

This does not mean you are uncaring, unloving, or cold.

It means you are someone that is hurting.

And not honoring this pain is hurting you even more.

Dismissing this pain, pushing it away, is why you haven’t healed yet.

We need to move through it in order to heal. In order to learn what it is that we need to learn.

This is you, the real you, calling to be heard.

To be listened to.

To be loved.

Love that you enough to pause for a moment and listen.

This is the way.

If this resonates with you – reach out. It doesn’t need to be this way anymore. I can help.

Changing The Past

Today I had a mind blown moment when I was doing my morning writing.

I’ve been wanting to write out the story of me for a while – just to see on paper the thoughts that are floating in my head about me and my life.

As I was writing, my brain was telling me I don’t feel like digging into this right now. It all just feels true. What’s the point?

But I kept writing, and came to a situation in my teenage years that has always felt heavy. I’ve done some work on it in the past, but it still feels like something went wrong. That I should’ve known better, I should’ve done better. That it should’ve gone a different way.

I asked myself questions like What if that’s exactly how it was supposed to go?

What if nothing’s gone wrong?

How can I have compassion for the me that made those decisions, rather than telling myself I should’ve know then what I know now?

Then came the kicker – I plugged one single thought into a model. The same thing that I do with my clients. We take one single thought and see the effect that one sentence has.

I broke down how that one thought made me feel, what I did because of how I was feeling, and what the effect of those actions were on me.

As I sat with it, I realized that it’s not the past that’s making me feel heavy now – it’s that sentence that’s in my brain now.

I realized that the effect that situation had on me now wasn’t the other person’s fault – I created that result myself.

Do you know how freeing it is to see that? How lightening it is to recognize that the past, the other person, doesn’t have that power over you or how you feel? That it IS in your control?

And because I was no longer beating myself up for what I should’ve done differently, a new thought came to my mind. I was able to see a direction that my life could’ve taken if things had gone differently; one that I’m so grateful it didn’t go.

Sit with that today – look at a situation in your life that you believe causes you pain. Write it out. Question it. Be open, be curious, be compassionate.

Everything really does go exactly the way that it’s supposed to.

Happy Mom Workshop

I’m doing a workshop next week that you want to be at.

This is for the moms that think something is wrong with them.

This is for the moms that think they are broken.

The ones that worry they are ruining their kids.

This is for the moms that thought they would be happier.

And even with these heavy thoughts and feelings, these are the same moms that know they don’t have to be this way.

They believe that they can be happy AND be a mom.

They’re ready to find the missing pieces to make it work.

They’re the ones that are ready to feel better. Now.

Is that you? You can sign up right here.

Three days.

It will completely change your life.

Don’t miss it.

Thoughts And Feelings Cycle

Feeling angry at your husband. Feeling resentment towards your life. Feeling regret because how you’ve been – you never thought you would be this way.

Frustrated because it feels like you will never change. Depressed because you wonder what’s wrong with you.

All of those thoughts and feelings.

So many thoughts and feelings.

It feels easier to push it all away, to not deal with them.

Sometimes it feels easier to feel nothing.

But then you also know that it’s a lie, because you eventually end up facing them. Many times it’s just a hullabaloo when you do, crying and sobbing and all the feels as your husband sits there wondering what on earth he’s supposed to do? (Doesn’t he know you just need a hug? I mean, the perfect reassuring words would be nice, but you gave up hoping for those a long time ago.)

How well do you know this cycle?

How helpless do you feel, not knowing what to do about it?

But even with this helplessness, there’s a part of you that knows it doesn’t have to be this way. There’s a part of you that believes you can change.

This is why the cycle- you want to be different, so you try again. Only to have your brain tell you that It is what it is. You will always be like this. There’s no point in trying. It’s too hard to try figure this out. You don’t know what you’re doing anyway. And back in you go.

We have two parts of our brain – the one that can think long term, and the one that is just in the here and now.

The part of you that believes you can change, and the part that thinks there is no point.

In order to work through this, you need to utilize the part of you that wants what’s best for you. The part that knows your deepest desire, the life that you want to live.

The part that wonders if it’s worth it is coming along for the ride, but it doesn’t get to determine where you go.

You do.

What is that voice telling you? What does it believe is possible?

Is it to heal from depression?

Is it to be content with your life?

Is it to stop yelling at your kids?

Is it to not feel resentment towards your husband?

Is it to be able to respond in love?

Is it to be able to be a happy and fun mom again?

Is it to actually enjoy your life, bajillion kids and all?

Is it all of them?

Listen to that voice.

It knows where to go.

P.S. Sound like you? I can help you stop this cycle and start a new one. One that you (and your husband) will like a lot more. One where you know exactly why you’re feeling the way you are, you know what to do about it, and you do it. We work together for 3 months, with weekly calls. You will be a changed woman by the end of it - cheesy, but truer than you can know.

Let’s dive in.

Arguing With Reality

How often are we arguing with what is?

My husband should come home earlier.

My kids shouldn’t fight.

I should be able to get out of bed earlier.

People should just do the right thing.

I should’ve waited to get married.

I shouldn’t have made that mistake.

Ever had thoughts like these?

How do you feel when you think them?

Heavy, regret, resentment, helpless.

We know that we can’t change other people, we know that we can’t change the past.

And yet we spend so much time arguing with both. Believing that if they changed, or if this one thing had just gone differently, then our life would be so much easier. We would be so much happier. Fill in the blank with what your brain believes would change about your life.

This gets us nowhere. We spend our time spinning in those negative emotions, not finding a solution let alone enjoying what is in front of us.

I remember the quote from Hellen Keller, Often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.

What are you forgetting to see in your husband, when you are spending your time wishing he came home earlier?

What are you forgetting to see in your kids, when you think that they fight too much?

What are you not seeing in your life, when you think you didn’t get married at the right time?

What are you forgetting to appreciate in your sister in law, when you think that she should be differently?

We don’t even recognize that this is what we are doing, and we don’t recognize these thoughts as optional.

How often are you getting out of your head, to look at what is going on inside of there? Without judging what is happening, but viewing those sentences without attachment.

What do you see in your life right now, that isn’t how you want it to be? Maybe it’s how you are showing up as a mom. Maybe it’s your relationship with your husband. Or your relationship with yourself.

Whatever it is, it’s fixable.

100%.

You’re not crazy, you’re not the only one, and this is completely normal.

We all have areas that we struggle in, that we need to grow in.

It’s called being a human.

It’s called life.

I help you work through those areas, so you can start living yours.

Give Your Brain New Things To Think About

If given the chance, our brain is going to run amok. It’s going to fill your mind with all of the worst possible case scenarios.

It’s going to tell you how you’re not enough; it’s going to remind you of that one time that you said that one thing to that one person, and how dumb you felt afterwards.

Your brain has a negativity bias – meaning it’s wired to look for what’s wrong with the world, what’s wrong with you, so that you know where to get to work. Where to be worried, where there might be danger.

And that’s okay. Our brain is wired for our safety.

But we can also know that’s what we’re working with, and use it to our advantage.

Just because our brain is wired to look for the negative, doesn’t mean that we always need to look for the negative.

Just because our brain on default likes to point out all of our flaws, doesn’t mean that we need to dwell on them and get down on ourselves.

Just because our brain is shouting DANGER because of the situation in our world right now, doesn’t mean that’s the only thing we need to be focusing on.

What good have you fed your brain today?

Where have you purposely directed your thoughts towards what you love? Something that you’re grateful for?

Instead of telling yourself that life as you know it will be over, how can you challenge yourself to think of new possibilities with these changing times?

This isn’t ignoring reality or pretending that everything is rosy and peachy- this is choosing purposely what story is going on in your brain.

I want to challenge you to balance out the negative with the positive. If you just had a discussion with your mother in law for an hour, and you ended it feeling depressed about life – go on a walk for an hour and choose to remember that the trees are still growing. That the birds are still singing. That the world is waking up with spring. Coronavirus or not.

Give yourself time to worry – maybe set the timer for 5 minutes each day, and that’s your worry time. Then when the timer goes off, put your mind to something else. Each time that your brain starts to worry again, remind yourself that you’re not thinking those thoughts until tomorrow’s worry time.

The world is not in your control, but how you think and how you feel is.

Start reigning your brain back in, and tell it what to think.

Same as yesterday, choose to think powerful thoughts.

Guaranteed you’ll like the effect of it a lot more.

P.S. All of these sentences in your head lately? Your brain is doing what it’s always done – coronavirus is just bringing everything to the surface. We can start coaching on how you’re responding to this situation, or we can dive into an area that you’re struggling with whether coronavirus is wrecking the world or not. It’s fascinating to see how our brain is working in one area, and then apply it to every single other area of our life. How we do one thing is how we do everything. Let’s work on the first one, and the other areas will come even easier.

Powerful Questions and COVID-19

What questions does your brain have on loop right now?

Are you worried about the future?

Is your brain going to worst case scenario, and trying to figure out how to protect you from it?

This is what our brains do – they perceive danger, and they try to keep us safe. They tell us to run, to hide, to fight.

Our brains think that if we don’t constantly monitor the danger, then we’re going to die.

This is why it feels necessary, satisfying even, to continue refreshing the feed. To keep up with the news each hour. We think that if we don’t know what’s going on, then we’re falling behind and we’re the ones that are going to take the hit.

But what if that’s not true?

What if it’s not necessary to take in all of the information, to imagine the worst case scenario over and over again?

What if there is another place that you can direct your brain to – without just burying your head in the sand and pretending it’s not happening?

Because it is possible.

We can know the facts of the situation, and not get sucked into the drama of it.

We can be aware, and be careful, without reverting to panic.

We can continue to live our daily lives, taking care of our kids and loving our husbands, even through the chaos around us.

Because what if you switched the question in your head from When is this going to end?  To What is this here to teach me?

What can I learn from this and how is this situation serving me?

The answers to these questions aren’t always easy – even for myself, I’ve found how easy it can be to get sucked into the panic. It feels justified, like the right thing to do.

But panic never serves us. Stress never creates what we want in our life.

But asking new questions, and looking at how we are responding to this situation can be so eye opening for ourselves. It can be a chance to view ourselves, others, and all of our humanness with compassion and love.

Answer the questions that are floating around in your brain, all of those ones that are on default.

Give them an answer, some clarity, and then choose to direct your brain to some more powerful questions.

Ones that will serve you more.

The Pine Forest

I’ve been working on a writing workshop this month, all about creative nonfiction. It’s been so fun to test my writing skills, to deepen my writing skills, and I thought to share some of my work with you. Here’s one piece:

I close my eyes, and feel the gentle shifting beneath me. The platform made of 2x4 boards creaks slightly as the wind pushes at the trees. There is a soft groaning, as though in protest, against the disturbance.

I breathe in deeply. The smell of this forest is like home.

That smell. What is it? Like comfort on the air. A warmth to breathe in, right to my belly. A comfort inside. A softness.

The wind comes through the tall pine trees, the soft whooshing as the trees lean toward each other. That same pattern, day in, day out.

I open my eyes to see the tops above me, so far above me. They tower, so slim and bare from the forest floor to their end in the sky.

This is my safe place. My place to come to imagine, to dream. Far enough from home that I don’t have to be me anymore, but I get to be who I want. I get to be whatever life I want.

But still not far enough away that I don’t get to be me. The closeness of home is there when I’m ready for it again.

It’s not that I don’t want to be me, but just that to dream is to live. The possibilities of life are endless.

My back is weighted against the uneven boards. The boards that were haphazardly nailed to the four trees. An almost perfect square.

This forest is made of perfect rows of trees, as though each and every seed was planted painstakingly. With care. The ground dips in between the rows, rising again to meet the base of the next row of trees. I keep my eyes to the floor, feeling the gentle incline and decline again; like waves in the ocean.

The floor of the forest is covered with pine needles, a soft brownish-orangeish color. This blanket of needles adds a layer of quiet to the forest. Making you pause, think twice before yelling. Creating the need to listen harder, to hear the soft whispers of the woods.

I brush my hand against a tree as I walk past it. It scratches, rough against the softness of my palm.

There is safety here.

Strength.

These trees that are old and wisened by the winds and the rains. These trees that have endured storms and sun.

They stand still, as though they’ve always been here.

The path that we take to get to these forests is always the same. The tell tale sign of matted grass, showing exactly where we are meant to go.

Testing myself as I built this fort. What strength do I have in me? Testing that board – can it hold me now? What am I capable of? Using every bit of strength to pound each nail in.

And the time that it broke, and I found myself flat on my back - the wind knocked out of me.

I laid there for a while, looking at the sky, not daring to move. 

Once again, my gaze turns to the light that I can see above me, through the trees. For a moment, there’s only the forest and me.

Breathing in the wind.

Being You

I read a line today that hit me hard:

It takes more effort to go against the grain of who you are, than to simply be who you are.

How often do we tell ourselves that it’s harder to be true to who we are?

How often do we tell ourselves that it’s easier to just pretend – pretend not to care, pretend that it doesn’t matter, pretend that it doesn’t hurt, pretend that we didn’t want it?

How often do we deny ourselves what we truly want, because we say that it will take too much effort, that it won’t be worth it?

How much energy are you putting into that every day?

Telling yourself that this is the easier way, the way that hurts less.

How often are you ignoring who you truly are, and instead creating more of what you don’t want, just because it’s what feels easiest in the moment?

It’s often fear that is keeping us stuck in these same patterns.

Fear of the unknown.

Fear of potential discomfort.

Fear of rejection.

Because if we take down our walls first, if we face what we truly want and bare our heart for all the world to see – then it can feel like we have no protection.

Nothing to hide under.

It’s not known then, and our brain doesn’t like the unknown.

But just for a minute, I want you to imagine that life.

The one where you are exactly who you are.

What does that life look like? Feel like?

What do you feel like?

That you is waiting for you.

How do I know?

Because that’s what’s waiting for all of us.

That’s what life is for – growing.

It’s for learning who we are, and what we want.

It’s for learning to let go of instant gratification, and be in it for the long haul.

It’s for taking responsibility for yourself, your happiness.

It’s becoming who you truly are, because that’s who you are meant to be.

And when we are in this place, that’s when we have so much to give.

So much to give.

So let go of that fear.

Let go of the belief that it’s easier this way

It’s so much better being you.

Are you ready to figure out who you are and what makes you happy? Ready to see what’s been keeping you stuck and finally move past it? Email me and we’ll schedule a free call for you.

2020

What do you want this new year to be?

2020.

A whole, fresh slate is ahead of you.

Did you know that you get to just leave whatever you want in the past?

Did you know that you don’t have to bring anything into 2020 that you don’t want to?

Actually.

Think about 2019.

What was this year for you?

What was the story of it?

Which parts of that story do you want to keep, and which parts do you want to just let go?

Maybe your story of yelling at your kids.

Picking fights with your husband.

Too busy to make time for friends.

Someone who lives in regret and shame.

Being someone who is constantly comparing, constantly thinking that her life should be better.

Whatever it is for you, know that you can just decide to leave it.

This is your permission slip if you need one.

From this place, you get to decide what 2020 will be.

What do you want to fill this year with?

How do you want to approach each day?

This is your life – the day to day of it.

It can be easy to get swept up in the busyness of life and forget that.

Don’t.

Be conscious, be deliberate.

Remember each day, that this is the life that you chose.

This is life that you continue to choose.

And you get to decide what that looks like.

How fun is that?

P.S. I help moms with postpartum depression figure out who they are and what makes them happy again. If you are ready for help with this this new year, simply email me and we will get a call set up for you. It’s time to stop wondering, wishing and regretting – it’s time to start living.

When It Hurts Too Much

Do you trust your emotions?

Do you trust your heart?

When I was struggling with depression, I was trying to protect my heart.

I was trying to block out all emotions so I didn’t have to feel.

Feeling hurt too much.

But I’ve always been a feeler, so denying this part of me was like rejecting myself.

It was rejecting myself.

But how do you trust your emotions, when the emotions you are feeling are hopeless, depressed, helpless?

How do you trust your heart, when it hurts so much?

It’s knowing that emotions are created from the thoughts in your head.

It’s knowing that the emotions you are feeling aren’t you, just as your thoughts aren’t you.

It’s being able to take one step back from what you are feeling, and being able to simply experience it.

I can feel depressed, and still be me.

I can feel defeated, and still know that my life is worth something.

I can feel rejected, and know that I’ve still got me.

Learning to trust yourself, your heart, your emotions – this process needs love.

Love for you, for your kids, for your husband.

That unconditional love, where you love no matter what.

No matter how much you hurt, no matter how much you want to block it out again.

It’s leaning into that pain, instead of shutting it out.

It’s not easy, but it’s the path that will lead you to where you want to go.

Not because you need to get there so that you can be more worthy, but simply because it’s where you want to be.

Reach out – take the hand that I’m offering you.

You don’t need to do this alone.

I’ve got you.

This Is Needed

One of my coaches asked me yesterday, as I was spinning in mind drama about my business:

Why believing moms?

Why now?

It took me out of my own perceived misery and made me stop.

Made me think.

Why you guys?

Why now?

The answer that came to me is because this is needed.

This work, of slowing our minds down.

Of being intentional with our thoughts.

Of learning to process our emotions, instead of resist avoid or react to them.

Of letting go of shame, guilt, and regret.

Of learning how to be intentional with our lives, of creating instead of reacting.

Of trusting, of letting go.

Of learning to love unconditionally – ourselves and others.

All of this, is so needed.

It’s needed for us, and it’s needed for our kids. It’s needed for our husbands, our friends, for all of the people that we come into contact with.

When I was struggling with depression, that’s when my faith also felt the lowest. I felt that if I continued to struggle with depression, I wouldn’t have been able to still be a believing mom.

Of course, number one is forgiveness.

But I felt that I needed more. I needed to know why I was struggling, and what I could do to not struggle. I needed someone – a professional, a therapist – to talk to, to help me figure out what was going on.

I worried if I went to someone, they would tell me to quit having kids. That they would tell me clearly my religion is off the rocker. I didn’t want to have to defend something that I felt was so weak already. I didn’t want to have to answer uncomfortable questions.

I also knew that my faith wasn’t the problem – that it was how I was dealing with my life that was.

And this is why you, this is why now.

There are too many of us that are struggling in motherhood, and are too ashamed to reach out. Or if we do reach out, they aren’t able to help us fix it. They give advice, or just a shoulder to cry on, but then what?

I have struggled with sharing this, because of fears that it will be taken the wrong way. That it will be taken as I think life coaching is more important, more healing, than faith.

But I am beginning to trust that I’m here for a reason. That you are here for a reason.

I’m beginning to trust that God wouldn’t have made me who I am, He wouldn’t have led me to where I am, if there wasn’t a reason for this.

It is uncomfortable for me to say that I only work with believing moms, because I know that this work is needed across the board.

But I know in my heart, that this is needed here. In our world.

So please – if this is you. If this is someone that you know.

If it’s depression, or if it’s just you are struggling.

Reach out.

This is what I am here for.

You don’t have to struggle anymore.

To The Ones That Want To Say Yes

It's scary.
I know it is.

You worry about the investment - can you justify the expense?
You worry if it is exactly what you need, if it is the right step for you.
You wish you could just see the future. That you could know it will work out. That it will be worth it.
You wonder if there's an easier route, a cheaper route.
If you can just keep doing it yourself, and you'll get there someday.

But you know, in your heart of hearts,
that this is exactly what you need.
You've known it since the beginning, when you first found my work.
You've been following my stuff, applying it as much as you can.
You've been improving, you're seeing a difference.
You keep telling yourself - some day, I'm going to work with Gloria. Soon. I'm just waiting for the right time.

Here's what I've got for you:
There will be no better time than today.
Same with having a baby - when would you ever feel like okay, now I have time for another one?
You make the time.
You make it work.

Money isn't really the issue - you know it's just a matter of priorities. You're just using it as the main excuse because it's an easy one. Because you aren't used to spending large amounts on anything, let alone yourself. Because you worry what your husband will think.
Speaking of him - have you asked him?
Too often, we don't even bring it up to him - instead using what we think he might say as another reason to not even go there.
Just another block that our brain is giving us.

If your heart is saying yes,
then say yes.

It's as easy as that.

Being An Intentional Mom

I had a live a few weeks ago on being an intentional mom, and I thought that I would share the main messages here. As the holidays are coming up a new year is right around the corner, we start to think about how we are living. How we want to be living. What we want our new year to look like. This is a perfect time to start evaluating where we are at, and where we want to be, and what the difference is between the two.

First of all, what does it mean to be intentional? It’s choosing this life. Every day. It’s waking up in the morning and deciding that this is how I’m going to spend my day. It’s a matter of thinking on purpose. It’s a matter of feeling on purpose. It’s a matter of BEING on purpose. Right? It’s choosing how you are going to be, and then actually doing it.

Some of us like to plan out our days, to schedule what is happening when. Some of us like to be more spontaneous, more go with the flow. Whatever type you are, you can still be intentional in it. it’s simply a matter of creating the time to do what you want. Spending the time doing the things that you want to be doing, instead of whatever is easiest.

Also being proactive vs. reactive. But that’s a story for another day.

So what keeps us from being intentional? We set our plans, we dream up all the dreams for how we want our life to be, and then we don’t follow through. We see all of the things that we want to change, but then we don’t know how to actually change them. Which equals us just going back to how we were doing things before.

The short answer to this is (say it with me now): OUR BRAIN. But really, it’s how our brain is wired. It’s wired to seek pleasure. Avoid pain. Conserve energy. Meaning anything that takes extra work, is unknown and not easy means our brain doesn’t want to do it – our primitive brain anyway. Our primitive brain loves autopilot mode. It wants us to just do what we’ve always done, whether it’s getting us the result that we want or not. Our brain doesn’t discriminate on which habits are good and which are bad. It just sees them as habit = easy = lets do it.

With this information, the question becomes so what do we do about it? How do we be intentional? The first step is slowing it down. Becoming aware. With this awareness, we also need to be willing to be uncomfortable. Going off of autopilot isn’t easy or comfortable, but it is always so worth it. also have a direction of where you are headed. Write down all of the areas in your life where you want to focus your energy, and describe what you want them to look like. YOU HAVE TO WRITE IT DOWN. If you don’t know where you are headed, how can you get there, right?

So once you have broken down those areas, then I want you to also list all of the reasons that you aren’t doing it yet. All of the reasons that you aren’t living that way yet. This list will feel like very justified reasons for not being there. Maybe they even feel like impossible things to get past. Things that you couldn’t possibly just work through or “change your thoughts about”. But I’m telling you that you can. These are the only obstacles between where you are now and where you want to be.

Really. the only thing.

If you want to get past them, to work through them, you can.

Now that you have where you want to end up, and you know what is standing in your way, it’s just a matter of going to do it. Going to apply this work. Because as you all know, it doesn’t change anything to have a head full of good ideas and knowledge and not do anything with them. Nothing will change if it’s all just in your head. So go out there and do it. go be the intentional mom that you want to be, that you know you can be.

You’ve got this.

Want an extra hand with this being intentional stuff?

Ready to apply this work for three months straight and see your life completely changed at the end of it? Message me and we will set up a call.

It’s as easy as that.

Self Pity and Self Blame

Today has been one of those days. I haven’t had a day like this in a very long time.

This Q is bringing me back: Where in my life am I not taking full ownership?

It’s not an easy question to answer – we don’t want to look for all of the ways that we aren’t taking responsibility in our lives. We don’t want to see all of the ways that we are blaming others, blaming ourselves.

As I began to answer this question though, this is where I ended up: I’m either feeling sorry for myself or blaming myself.

Pity or blame.

No ownership, no responsibility.

No evaluating and thinking about possibilities to improve.

Either it’s not my fault and there’s nothing I can do, or over to the other extreme of it’s all my fault and I should know better.

Recognize that both are a choice, and that neither of these serves us.

But what I want to point out here, is that while pity is fairly recognizable, blame tends to be harder to spot.

We know when we are feeling sorry for ourselves, but it’s not always easy to see when we are blaming ourselves. Because it’s just how we talk to ourselves. It’s how we’ve always talked to ourselves.

It feels so true, so justified.

Of course I should be better.

I shouldn’t feel this way.

It’s always me – I’m the problem.

And yet just like pity, blame never gets us to change. It doesn’t produce a useful emotion.

So ask yourself that question, and answer it.

Get curious about your answers, but also get curious about what you think about your answers.

This gets a little bit meta – but you guys know me, I’m all about the meta.

Notice where you need to add some more self compassion instead.

Notice where you need to take ownership and responsibility.

This is what it is, and this is what I want to do instead.

This is me, but it’s okay that it’s me.

I get to choose how to respond next time.

And you do.

Always.

What's the point?

What’s the point?

Does your brain ever give you this question?

What’s the point – of life – of anything?

How do you feel when you ask yourself that? Like it does for me, does it create a heaviness inside of you? A feeling of defeat, or hopelessness?

Do you then continue pushing forwards on what you are working on, or do you give up? Quit?

Because what is the point?

If there is no point, then why keep trying, right?

We tend to have favorite questions to ask ourselves – ones that come up often. Are the questions that you are asking yourself high quality ones? Or are they low quality like this one?

Notice what questions you ask yourself. Notice how you tend to respond to them – if you respond at all. And notice how that response makes you feel.

Whenever you ask yourself a question, make sure you answer it. Even when your brain says but I don’t know, find the answer that’s behind that excuse.

Our brains are very powerful and creative, but what are you using that brain juice for?

Are you using it up asking yourself questions that cause you to give up?

Or are you using it on asking yourself good, intriguing questions? Ones that cause you to stop and really think about it. Ones that create a curiosity inside of you, a drive to go out and find the answer. To create the answer.

This is the point, my friends.

To figure out what programming our brains are running on, and then to use it to our benefit. To direct all of that energy and creativity towards what we want to be creating, rather than what we don’t want.

It doesn’t have to be hard or painful.

It may be uncomfortable, but you can do discomfort – you’re already doing it, whether you are consciously choosing it or not.

So when your brain offers you the question of what’s the point? Go find the point.

Go create the point.

And then find some higher quality questions.

Is it working?

It’s hard.

I get it.

There’s so much fear.

It’s not working now, how can this be the one thing I need?

What if it’s not the one thing I need?

What if I sink this money in and I don’t get the results that I want?

What if I don’t know what to say?

What if I’m not the right client for her – she probably has all of these other amazing clients that she is working with.

It’s probably a lot of money to work with her. Money that I don’t have.

What if I do it and it doesn’t work?

Then I will really be a mess.

What if this is just how I am – it’s not something that I’m even able to change?

This is so scary.

These are all thoughts that I had when signing up to work with my coach. They all felt so true, so real. They are the reason that I put off booking that call with her.

I knew that she could help me, I knew that if I got on the call with her, I would want to work with her. I knew that she could help me solve my problem.

And yet I waited.

And each day that I waited, I kept struggling.

Every. Single. Day.

I told myself that I was doing okay on my own. That I was still growing, that I was doing the right thing.

I told myself that I would work with her when I had the money, that it’s definitely on my to do list.

But I kept waiting. Still feeling like it wasn’t in my control.

Just kind of hoping that the stars would align and then I could book a call with her. Or that my problem would magically go away before that, and I wouldn’t even have to work with her.

Isn’t it fascinating that this is how our brains work?

We know that there is a solution for our problem, right at our fingertips.

And we still don’t do anything about it.

What changed for me?

Going from it’s not working, to it will work.

Going from I hope it will work out someday, to I’m going to figure out a way to make it work now.

Going from this is hopeless, to I can do something about it.

What reasons are your brain giving you?

And what do you want to do about it?

Dear Momma, You Can Do This

I originally posted this almost exactly one year ago, today.

I left it up for - was it a day, maybe two?

And then I took it down. I had so much doubt, so much shame, so much guilt. I didn’t want anyone to read it, so it went back into the draft storage.

I found it the other day, and thought yes. Now it’s time to share this - this is a testament to how much I have grown this last year. How much more I have been able to separate from my depression, and to heal.

So read this story, and think about your own journey. Where are you at? Where do you want to be one year from now?

And how will you get there?

———

When I was struggling with postpartum depression, I wanted desperately to know that I was going to be okay. To know that just because I was struggling didn’t mean that I was doomed as a mom. I wanted to know that I could still mother my kids properly. I wanted to know that my life was still worth living.

My future was dark, even with my loving husband and beautiful healthy children. I knew I had so much to be grateful for and nothing to complain about. And yet I felt hopeless, and guilty for these thoughts and feelings. I wanted someone to show me the way out. The way felt too hard for me; not clear which direction I should go, let alone what the next step was.

I never wanted to commit suicide- I knew that I couldn’t take my own life. But I prayed to die. I prayed that God would take me while I slept so I wouldn’t have to live anymore. It was too hard to be alive and I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore.

If this is how you feel in this moment in your life, then this is for you.

              Dear Momma,

              You can do this. Everything feels so hard right now, even the simple acts of getting out of bed and feeding your kids. You don’t have energy. You don’t have the words to explain how you are feeling. All the thoughts and emotions confuse you; where did they come from? Why do I feel this way? You feel guilty for thinking these kinds of things – what kind of a mom am I to have such dark thoughts? What kind of a mom am I to feel like leaving my husband and children? Do I love them even? If I loved them wouldn’t I want to stay with them always?

              Know that these are common thoughts, that many moms have them at some point. They are just hard to share and talk about because of the depth and darkness of them. We fear that we are the only one to have felt such a way, that nobody could ever understand how we feel. But the only way to get past them is to share them. Get them out in the open and off of your chest. You will be surprised that they aren’t met with a “How could you think something like that?” Instead they are met with an understanding look and an “I know. I’ve been there.”

              Just because you think these things doesn’t mean that you aren’t worthy, that you aren’t a good enough mom. It doesn’t mean that you weren’t supposed to be a mom or that you don’t love them enough. It simply means that you are struggling right now. It means something in your daily life is lacking. It could be that your husband has been busy and you feel overwhelmed with the kids. It could be that you aren’t taking enough time to take care of yourself, in the way that matters most to you. It could be that you aren’t taking the time to enjoy your kids, to find ways to have fun with them. Find what will pull you out of this darkness.

              Because there is light ahead. You might not be able to see it right now, but it is there ahead of you. Take any step in that direction, no matter how small it might be. As long as you are moving forward.

              And let me say again, that you can do this. It is worth the effort it will take.

The Problem With DIY

DIY.

It’s a fun way to create what you want, without spending the money. How many of you are DIY-ers? You find pictures on Pinterest, on Instagram, and then you figure out how you can create the same thing yourself.

I love to DIY. It’s so satisfying to stretch my brain, to look at a finished product and then to replicate it with my own two hands. To create something and watch it come to life.

This is what I tried to do with my healing, too. I thought that I was so aware of my thoughts and emotions, that of course I could heal from my depression by myself. I read all the books, I listened to all the podcasts, I took all the free trainings.

This is an important step in our healing process, where we are doing all the work that we can. We are taking that first step in admitting just to ourselves that something isn’t right and that we are worth the effort.

But DIY can only get you so far. There are parts of your story where you are like a fish in water. You don’t know that you’re in water, because it’s all you’ve ever known. Our brains aren’t programmed to separate our thoughts from the facts. We automatically believe that the thoughts that we are thinking, are just true. And if those thoughts aren’t serving you, that’s what we need to work on.

But why do we hesitate to put that money into ourselves? Why do we hesitate to invest in our healing? Why is it so scary to put that money behind our words?

Because we are afraid. We say that we can heal, but do we actually believe it?

We say that we want a better life, but do we actually think that better life is possible?

Where are you holding yourself back?

That’s what you need to get to work on. Not reading the next book or listening to the next podcast.

You already have everything that you need inside of you.

See, DIY keeps us stuck. We think that we are improving, because we are learning and we are seeing some changes. But we are still staying safe. We aren’t putting money behind our words, we aren’t putting ourselves really out there, we still have nothing to lose.

And if we don’t have anything to lose, what do we have to gain?