It's An Ice Cream Date

The June sun is so bright in the sky. Hot on my forearm as I head north on the highway. The grass is bright green, the rolling hills meeting the horizon out in the distance. It’s so pretty that it almost takes my breath away. We are headed in search of some celebratory ice cream. What are we celebrating? Another step forward in my business – the work with me page is finally complete! A beautiful summer day. Being together.

We reach the ice cream shop, and everyone piles out of the van. I see an older couple sitting on the bench outside, counting heads as one after the next appears. It’s a cute old ice cream shop, with bright pink siding and a sign announcing the arrival of butter tarts in the window. Inside is a kid’s dream. The countless options of ice cream flavors – how do you ever just pick one? The rows of fudge, promising a perfectly creamy mouthful.

After we finally choose which is the flavor of the day, we sit outside in the sun with our sprinkle covered cones. I soak in this moment, just as I’m soaking in the sun’s rays. It’s just me and my five kids. Eating ice cream on a summer day. What more could I ask for?

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I have a flash back to several years ago, when Guin was three. I had three kids then, and Gus was only a few months old. It was also a beautiful spring day, not as hot as this one – the wind still had a bite to it. But it was sunny out and I decided it was a good day to have a picnic by the lake. So off we went to get some Chinese take out, and drove to the lake.

As I sat there with my kids and ate, I remember thinking “I’m at the stage where it’s more work than fun to do something like this.” Being adventurous and spontaneous has always been important to me, but at this stage of life it felt hard. I wanted to do fun things with the kids, but it wasn’t as enjoyable for me when we did. I couldn’t just sit in the moment and enjoy, there was food getting spilled, a baby to nurse, a toddler to run after halfway across the park. If we went to a new spot, there was the anxiety of where to park. Of where was the closest bathroom for the newly potty trained three-year-old. These things felt so big in the moment.

If this is you, know that nothing is wrong and it’s okay to feel this way. I’m not going to tell you to just wait, that it will get easier (even though it’s true). It’s not a fun way to live life, by waiting for it to get easier. But more than that, I want you to simply lower your standards. Want to do fun things with your kids? Do something small like going to the park down the road with a packed lunch. Want to enjoy being out with your kids? Go somewhere that you can actually relax and don’t need to be stressed about all the little things. And if lowering your standards looks like just staying at home, be okay with that too.

It’s possible to do fun things in that stage of littles, but also go easy on yourself.

You’re doing amazing.

And also, there will come a day that you enjoy being out with your kids. Just don’t miss out on the days that you have now, waiting for it to come.

At The End Of My Therapy Journey

I’ve been seeing her for almost three months now, meeting every other week. That’s been about 6 sessions in total. Which means 6 hours of my life that have been focused solely on healing.

Do you know what a gift to myself that is?

That in this busy season of life - five kids, house renos, starting a business, Nic working on his dreams - I have taken the time to go to these sessions. To show myself that I matter, that I am willing to put the work in. Because I don’t want to wake up 20 years from now, still being stuck in the same patterns.

It’s easy to think that I should have this all figured out by now. But how grateful I am that I’m figuring it out now rather than waiting many more years. It can feel hard, like it’s too much effort to break the habits that I’ve formed and replace them with new ones. Even though I know it will be better once I do. My brain tells me Oh you’ll be fine. It’ll go away. You’re messed, but you’re probably not messed enough to go see a therapist. It’ll figure itself out with time.

It’s all lies.

And now that I have these months behind me of healing, I feel more sure than I did before. I’m realizing that there isn’t one big fix that needs to happen. No wave of a magical wand to make everything perfect again. Instead, it’s all of the little shifts. It’s literally taking a couple deep breaths when I feel my patience running thin. It’s sitting down at the beginning of a new month to think about what I want to focus on in the weeks to come. To reflect on what worked or not in the last month. To check in with myself and see how I am doing, instead of letting life just blur by in a whirl. It’s paying attention to what emotions I’m feeling, and allowing them to be. Paying attention to what emotion I am acting from - it matters.

Before therapy, I had started telling myself that I’m not broken, that I’m whole. But I didn’t really believe it. My brain would always add well, maybe.. but I don’t know. There’s probably something broken about you.. I can say that now I feel whole. I am still healing, still learning, still growing, but not from a place of brokenness and needing to be fixed. It’s from a place of love. I know that I am enough, because I am enough for myself.

The next time that I will probably see her is around six week postpartum with my next baby. (Because there’s another shift - I am going to take as many steps as I can to set myself up for success instead of failure.) It feels mostly exciting to be able to close that chapter and start a new one. I had a moment of - wait! I still need you! To tell me that I have value, that I can do this, that I’m not going crazy, to remind me of all the progress I’ve made. But I am ready. She was able to guide me back to the path I want to be on.

And now it’s me, just like it’s always been. It’s my job to keep choosing me.

How Life Coaching Has Changed My Life

Does this sound dramatic? Maybe.

Is it true? Yep.

I didn’t know it at the time, but I had postpartum depression after my first baby was born. It didn’t look like I thought depression would look. I made it mean that I was a bad mom – I believed that my depression was me. I didn’t see it as a sign that I was struggling and needed to reach out for help, I saw it as a failure.

Since that first big collision with depression, my mind so easily falls back into that pattern. It can be the smallest thing that sets me off, and suddenly my brain is telling me “What kind of a mom are you? Maybe your kids really would be better off with someone else.” And down the spiral I go. Negative thought after negative thought, all piling on top of me, weighing me into the ground.

Sometimes I would be in this downward spiral for a month, sometimes a few days. Through these ups and downs I would wonder, “Am I depressed? Is this normal? Do I need help? Am I normal?” I didn’t know if everyone had bad days as bad as mine, or if there was something wrong with me.

What I’ve learned though, is that it doesn’t matter if I get the diagnosis of depression or not. What matters is how I live my life, and what I do with these depressive times. Do I allow myself to believe these negative thoughts about myself and my life, and then use that as evidence that I truly am not worthy? Or do I do my best to be aware of where my thoughts are headed, and if I’m not strong enough in that moment to redirect, do I love myself through it anyway?

The more I put this work into practice, the better I get at staying on top of my thoughts and emotions. My days now are much more aligned with who I truly am than they used to be. Coaching, and self coaching, has changed how I show up in my life. How I treat myself, my children, my husband, my friends, our home – everything. It has helped me to take all of the personal development concepts that I’ve learned and actually apply them. Applying them is where the magic happens.

I have often thought that if I had continued living the way I was, I would not be a happy, believing mom today. My faith is the most important thing to me, and when I believed my depression, I did not live how I want to.

So yes, coaching has truly changed my life. If something in my story resonates with you, let me show you how it can change yours.

A Blending Of Identities

I head north on 395, window open. Soft music is playing in the background. Yiruma on piano, the kind that tugs at my heart strings and makes me want to cry every time. The kind that makes me think of sitting in my parents living room, listening to Travis play, with my heart aching at the thought of leaving again. It’s picture perfect here- the sky is blue, clouds are white, grass is green, the sun is shining so brightly. The mountains rise up in the distance. This view is so familiar, so like home.

Memories of driving these same roads ten years ago. Who was I then? A seventeen-year-old girl, trying to figure out her way in this world. Not knowing what the future would hold. Wanting to heal, to be whole. To explore and to live. To love and be loved. And yet these memories are now covered with a light layer of something. What is it? It almost makes the memories prettier than they were as they happened. The nostalgia of that time in my life. The freedom, the youth, the innocence. How beautiful it was!

Reality is that those were hard times too. It’s easy to forget how hard, as I look back now. My mind wants to coat them with this layer of happiness – to not focus on what wasn’t good then. And that’s okay. It’s so amazing to live in these memories for a week now, to feel that different life once again. And yet not be that same person – I can’t. My mind is constantly going eastward, to home. I think of my babies, and that familiar sensation of let down comes. How could I ever forget that I’m a mom now, that I am lucky enough to have these children to care for, that I have a husband who is waiting for me when I get home?

It’s not forgetting, but it’s a remembering. A blending. To live in these moments of the past as they come up; as a new scene, another spot triggers another memory. And taking these things from who I once was, bringing them into me again. Bringing this me back to Toronto, and breathing it into my life again. I am a mom, but I am not just a mom. I am still me, every version of me, combined together.

A Mother's Guilt

The contrast in emotion. How is it possible to feel such extremes all at the same time?

Excitement for time away; time to myself, to be on my own schedule.

The ripping feeling as I say bye to them. It’s so important for each one to give me a hug, to make sure they say I love you, to hear the gospel.

Am I actually doing this? Am I actually taking this next step towards my dream? Who am I to think I can do this? Is this the right decision, the right choice not only for me but for our family? How will I survive a week without my baby? My breasts are already full, missing him. Ready to hold him close.

And yet of course I’m excited to go. So ready to go. To learn something new, to experience this training. Taking this next step toward my dream of creating my business. Of creating impact in the lives of one of the most important jobs, and so often undervalued by ourselves – motherhood.

The worry of will they be okay without me? To hope that they will be okay without me, but also that they will still need me in their lives after this, right?

***

I feel the tingling in my chest, a sure sign that 3000 miles east of me Sebs is ready to eat. I sit down to pump again, and my heart is aching. Why is he not here with me? I should be holding him in my arms as I nurse him, not just extracting the milk from my body with this machine. What did I do? What kind of a mom am I? How easy it is to immediately start questioning myself, doubting myself, beating myself up. What kind of a mom leaves their nursing baby for a week?

That guilt. That mom guilt. It loves to come sneaking up on us in whatever form it can. You’re not enough. You’re too much. You should be with them all the time. What kind of a mom are you? You’re ruining your kids. You should be better.

Does this guilt serve a purpose? Does it justify me in some way? If I’m away from my kids, and I feel guilty for not being with them, does that make me a ‘better’ mom than if I was simply enjoying my time away?

DOES THIS EVEN MAKE ANY LOGICAL SENSE?

And yet I’m here. And they are there. I refuse to squander this week, beating on myself or feeling guilty for having come. I am choosing to trust that this is happening at exactly the right time and in the right way for my life.

I know that soon I will be back with them again, back in the daily grind. And I will wonder why on earth I wasted even a single moment feeling guilty for being gone.

So I’m choosing to not feed that guilt while I’m here, and yes. I can’t wait to get back to my babies.

What Your Husband Really Wants

Did you know that he is doing his best? He’s not perfect because it’s not possible to be perfect. He can’t read your mind. He can’t get it right every time. He can’t always remember what special event is going on, or to schedule that date night. But he is doing his best, and what he wants most? What your husband really wants? For you to be happy. Simple as that.

But he can’t make you happy. Only you can make you happy.

I thought that being married would make me happy. I thought that having kids would make me happy. I was happy before I got either of these, but I thought that the happiness I would have after would be different somehow. Fuller. Or truer in some way.

When I got married and became a mom and my happiness level didn’t change, I thought that something was wrong with me. I thought I was broken. Or that my relationship with Nic was broken. Something was wrong with my life since I wasn’t experiencing it how I thought I should be.

Turns out the only thing that was wrong with my life, was where I was putting my expectations. I can’t wait for someone else to make me happy. I can’t expect Nic or my kids to change their behaviors so that I can be happy. I need to decide that I am in control of my own emotions, no matter what goes on outside of my control.

And even after realizing this concept, how many times I find myself putting those expectations on everything but me! It’s such a worn habit in my brain, and it happens so automatically without me even realizing it. It doesn’t always show up in that exact thought, “If x happens, then I will be happy.” More often than not, it’s a subtle underlying feeling. An expectation that is there without me realizing it. It takes stepping back, becoming aware of the thoughts that are going through my brain, and then deciding to change it.

Your husband wants you to be happy and enjoy your life.

Do you?

Happy In My Everyday

I look at pictures from Ireland, a small town in Australia, the coast of California, islands in Southeast Asia. I dream of traveling here and everywhere, finding myself along the way. I dream of being lost in moments, of big revelations about myself and the world around me. Everything would be mystical, magical, wondrous.

It’s so easy to dream about this and wish that I had taken those years to travel and find myself before getting married, before becoming a mom. I thought that I knew what marriage and motherhood was all about. I knew that this was how I wanted to spend the rest of my life: with my husband and twenty children by my side.

I’m now in the thick of it, having been pregnant or breastfeeding for the majority of seven and a half years. The fairytale-ness of being a mom has since lost its luster. It’s easy to feel tired of the monotony of it all; the diaper changes, laundry, house chores, kids that try my patience. It’s easy to feel sorry for myself, that I don’t have enough time for just me.

I believe that my life doesn’t have to be this way thought. I believe that it can be more than me being ready for bed time at five pm everyday. It won’t be all mystical and magical every step of the way, but I need to find those moments that are and savor them.

Instead of being frustrated about attempting to find myself in between wiping this boogie nose and that poopy bum, I need to revel in the fact that I am finding myself. Motherhood makes me be more, it doesn’t let me sit on the couch and do nothing all day. My kids need me, and I need me, to get back up and try again. To make my reality my new dream.

It’s okay to dream about other options, to be open to new possibilities. But I’m not going to let those stop me from seeing the magic of my everyday.

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.               -Helen Keller

Why Self Care Is Important For Moms

You know it’s important. You know you should be doing it. But how? What? Where? When? It’s been said a thousand times before, but I will say it again. Why is self care important for moms? Because we need to take care of ourselves before we can take care of our families.

Yeah, you get that. It’s not something new. You understand it intellectually. But let me ask you a question – are you doing it? On the regular?

What would self care look like for you? What are the things that fill up your insides? What are the activities that bring you joy – true joy?

How important it is to bring these activities into our daily lives, merge them with our motherhood duties. The best kind of self care is what we do as much as we can every day. We create a life that we don’t need to escape from. We can handle and enjoy our life.

What does self care look like for me? It’s getting to my yoga class once a week. Some days it’s waking up early so I can start my day with quiet, other days it’s skipping my first alarm and letting myself sleep in until the kids need to be up. It’s taking the time to sit down and write in the morning, to get my thoughts in order before starting the day. It is listening to ourselves and what we need, and making those a priority.

Guilt can show up when we are taking time to ourselves to do something we enjoy. We might think that we should be doing something more productive, or worrying about how the kids are doing. But think about that feeling you get, after you did something that you LOVE. How full, refreshed, energized you are. And how do you show up as a mom after that? Compare that to how you are showing up when you never take a single moment to yourself.

When mom takes care of herself, the whole family benefits.

Trusting The Timing Of Your Life

Trust in the timing of your life.

It’s easy to wonder what it would be like if things had gone differently. If we hadn’t gotten married young, maybe it wouldn’t have been so hard. If I hadn’t miscarried that baby, I wouldn’t be struggling right now. If I had gone here instead of there, maybe it would be different. If this hard time in my life had happened later, maybe I would’ve handled it better. How hard it can be to trust that everything happened at exactly the right time and in exactly the right way.

What if everything in your life happened exactly as it was supposed to?

Think about that.

All of your mistakes, your failures. All of your wrong choices; or what you view as wrong choices. Everything happened exactly as it should’ve. And do you know why it was supposed to go that way? Because it did.

Think about how much less suffering you will have in your mind, just by not fighting with reality. When we are constantly arguing in our mind with what we should’ve done, or would’ve done, if only we would’ve known, we are fighting a losing battle. There is no going back, there is no changing the past. It is what it is. Of course we know logically that we can’t go back, but yet our mind is still sitting there replaying all of the better options that we just. Should’ve. known!

I want you to bring up something from your past, big or small, that you wish you could change. Something that you think you could’ve made a better decision on. Or something that you think your life would be better now without. And as you think about this situation, ask yourself “What if this happened exactly as it was supposed to?”

No, I mean exactly as it should’ve. Regardless of whether you made a bad choice, or someone else made a bad choice – regardless of any negative outcome.

Really let this concept sink into your mind. Do you feel peace? Do you feel acceptance? How does your view of that situation change? Does your mind quiet down? Does it quit throwing all of the what ifs and if onlys at you?

Everything happens for a reason. We may not always know the reason. But trusting that it did brings so much peace with it. This way, we can quit fighting the losing battle of arguing with the past.

I was meant to be married young, so that Nic and I would grow together. I was meant to become a mom at 20, so that I would find myself in motherhood. Or maybe I will never know why things happened the way they did. I can trust though, that God has a plan for me and that He will take care of me as He leads me through this journey.

I can spend time wondering how my life would be different if things had gone another way. But God knows what I need and when I need it. It might not always be in the time that I want, or in the way I want it, but He knows better than me.

I can trust that this is a better life for me than anything else that might’ve happened.

Growing Up and Growing Old Together

We were so young. Those rounder faces, the naïve love that is shining out of our eyes. Babies. We figured we knew what life was all about and what we needed. I love to look back at these pictures and remember those feelings – of excitement, joy, pure love.

I used to feel cheated – that nobody told me what married life would be like. I felt wronged that no one had taken off my rose colored glasses and told me that it wouldn’t be easy.

It wasn’t for them to teach me. This was something that I had to go through myself. It was something that I had to learn on the way.

But also, I now treasure how trusting I was. How I so blindly believed that God was leading me and us in the direction that He wanted us. And look at where that has brought us today – how could I go wrong in simply choosing to trust? In believing that whichever way my life may go, He is guiding us and knows what is best.

Nic and I will grow old together, but we also grew up together. Seven years of learning together about ourselves and what we want our life to look like. Seven years of learning new pieces of each other and ourselves. No matter what we go through in life, whatever issue may come in between us, I am strong in our love. I know that we can get through anything, because we are in this together.

How To Be a Happy Mom

When I was first struggling with postpartum depression, I would google this over and over. How to be a happy mom. How do I be happy? I was hoping for a book, an article, something with a step by step guide that I could follow to just be happy. I thought it would be easier for me to climb out of the darkness with someone showing me the way.

What I found were many stories on endless forums of moms just accepting that they don’t like to be a mom. That they won’t ever want to be a mom. These of course aren’t very encouraging to read, but I also didn’t want to accept this fact. I knew that there had to be a way to enjoy being a mom more than I was.

I also found articles on learning to have fun again, of making sure that not all of your interactions with your kids were negative. To get down on the floor with them and play even for five minutes. Of taking time for yourself and doing whatever it is that fills you. Yes, I thought, this is what I need. But how??

I would start the day with great intentions of taking time to play with my kids, to cross items off my to do list while also setting aside time to paint or sew. Some days I accomplished some of these, but many days I found myself crawling into bed at night wondering where I failed. Why didn’t I have the energy, the motivation, the patience to do these things that I so wanted to do? I also knew that if I did them, I would feel better, so why wasn’t I doing them?

The problem my friend, was this: I was trying to change my habits, my actions, my behaviors, without changing my thoughts. I’m sure you’ve heard that saying that goes along these lines - “what you think becomes your actions. Your actions become your life.” But have you ever actually stopped and thought about that?

Our thoughts create our life.

Literally. What we think and believe shows up in our relationships, our houses, what we do and don’t do with our time – it shows up in everything. So, it’s as simple and as complicated as that: In order to be a happy mom, you need to change your thoughts. This is a list of a few “how to’s”:

1.       Create new thoughts to think that are in alignment with the life that you want to live. Now this isn’t just think positive all the time! This is becoming aware of which thoughts are creating results in your life that you don’t want, and finding a new thought that you believe to think instead.

2.       Accept the 50/50 rule for emotions. You will not be happy all of the time – not only is it not possible, but you actually wouldn’t want to be. About half the time you will feel good, and the other half you will feel not good. Being a human means feeling all of the feels. Some of them aren’t enjoyable, but guess what? It’s life.

3.       Quit beating yourself up when you aren’t happy. Quit feeling bad about feeling bad. Did you know that when you feel crappy, and then you feel crappy about feeling crappy, you feel even more crappy? Right? So if you feel bad, tell yourself that it’s okay to feel this way. The emotion will pass, you won’t stay there forever I promise.

4.       Take responsibility for your own happiness. It’s easy to think well if my husband did this then I would be happy or well if my kids just listened to me I would be happier. And yes I’m sure we all would be happier if our kids didn’t try our patience so much. But that’s not the point. The point is that no matter what is happening outside of your control, you are always responsible for your emotions.

5.       Know that it’s a work in progress. These are things that we need to work on every single day. This is a process that you will go through for the rest of your life. Oh, how many times I’ve wished that I could just wake up one day and have it all figured out, to be how I want. But there is no destination here, the journey is the destination. I don’t particularly like that saying, but it’s true. Quit waiting for the someday that everything will be exactly as you think it should be because that day won’t come. Instead just keep learning, and love yourself as you go.

This work of diving into my thoughts, of becoming aware of my thoughts, and of changing the thoughts that I’m thinking, has been challenging but so worth it. To work on taking out the ones that aren’t serving me in my life, and create the new thoughts that I want to think is literally life changing. It’s one thing to learn a new concept, and a whole other story to actually apply it in life.

This is the work that I want to do in the world. I want to help moms realize that their happiness, joy, contentment, whatever it is that they want to feel, is attainable through becoming aware of their thoughts. This is what I call a heart centered work. If this resonates with you, make sure to sign up on my email list to get notified of when my coaching program will be available. (The link wasn’t working for a while, so if you haven’t been getting any of my emails you will need to sign up again.)

Happiness is an inside job, truly an inside job.

Folding Laundry Was The Dream

Growing up, I knew I would be a mom someday. I wanted my very own husband and my very own kids. When I babysat, I would dream about the day that I could do all of these things in my own house. One of my favorite things to do after I put the kids to sleep was to wash, dry and fold their laundry. I knew how happy this made the mom, but it was so fun to pretend that I was folding my own family’s clothes instead. My husband’s shirts next to cute tiny dresses and overalls. My super stylish tops next to baby blankets. I couldn’t wait for that moment!

Now that moment is here. I could be washing, drying and folding clothes all day long if I wanted to. But somewhere along the line, the dreaminess of that task faded. Now the stacks of clothes, both clean and dirty, sit in my laundry room. I ignore them until my husband wakes up for work and asks where some clean socks are, because he doesn’t have any in his drawer. I don’t sit there and lovingly fold every single piece of clothing like I used to. The only exception to this is when a new baby is due and I’m washing the newborn clothes- those are always exclaimed over, so tiny and so cute, with the incredulity that a fresh little body will soon be fitting into them! The everyday laundry however, is another story.

This is how many aspects of motherhood has been for me. I had my ideas of how I would be as a mom – that I would be happy, that I would read to them, that I would play games and snuggle all day long. How great I thought it would be to not have to go anywhere or do anything; just to be a mom. And not just a mom – to be a mom.

I think that these ideals that we have about how we should be are important. It’s important to look at them and use them as guidelines for how to show up in our days; how we want to be in order to feel like we’ve got this. But I also think it’s important to let some of them go. You thought that you would enjoy playing with your toddler more? It’s okay to admit that it gets kind of boring after five minutes; to do what you can right now, and to know that when she grows up there will be more to do together. Let go of the ones that hurt you, the ones that make you feel like you’re not a good enough mom.

Instead, focus on your strengths. The ways that you bring you to your children’s days. You may not be the mom that you thought you would or should be, but always remember this:

You are exactly the mom for your children, just as your children are exactly for you.

Now Is The Gift

I have been wiped out from the flu this entire week. Like literally, out for the count. I don’t remember the last time I was this sick. There should be a law against moms getting sick – or some extra immune system protection that makes it impossible for us to pick up these bugs. How hard it is to do the everyday tasks, let alone anything extra on top of it, when all you want to do is close your eyes. And sleep. For twenty-four hours straight. Or maybe a week. Or two.

It would be easy to start beating myself up right now, about all the things that were on my calendar that I didn’t get to. All of the things that I wanted to work on and accomplish this week in January, when my new years resolutions and goals are so fresh in my mind. When the energy and motivation for doing said goals and resolutions is still running high.

Instead, I am practicing a new theme for this year: contentment. Contentment with what this life of mine is. What motherhood is. All of the happiness and hard times that it brings with it. Being sick means resting, and doing the necessities. It means cutting out all the extras as I get better. What does that look like? What absolutely needs to be done every day? My kids need to be fed. My kids need to be loved. I need to be here, just here. Nowhere else.

How simple it truly is when you look at it like that.

Everything else is secondary.

The days are getting longer; the sun is beginning to shine through the trees a little bit earlier each morning, and set a few minutes later each evening. What a beautiful thing.

Here are some words that I am holding to as we deal with this round of sickness:

              “Whatever is happening in your life right now, is the best thing that could happen – even if it’s hard. Because it’s getting you to the next place. It’s teaching you something, giving you something. Let me fully be in the now, because now is the gift that I’ve been given.”

A Safe Place

His eye is bothering him again. He got something in it at school today and now that it’s approaching bedtime - and everything feels ten times more emotional – it sounds like someone is cutting his arm off. The first couple of times I was able to soothe and comfort him truly from a place of love, but tbh it’s getting kind of old now. I breathe in and out a few times and let my frustration go; once again, I open my arms to hold him close.

I want to be my children’s safe place. I want to be the one that they turn to when they are hurt, troubled or upset. I want them to know that I will always be there for them. That my hugs never run out. I want them to never question my love for them.

Between struggling with depression and the regular daily ups and downs, I wonder if they know this. Am I doing a good enough job showing them this? Am I remembering to have patience? Do I stop in the middle of my task to give them the hug that they are so clearly wanting?

Do they approach me, unsure of what response they will get? Or do they know that no matter what mood I am in, there is always love for them?

I think back to my childhood, and the feeling of safety and comfort that comes with the memories of home. Always knowing that I am loved and known inside of those walls. That the people accepted me as is, and there was always love and forgiveness.

I want to create that same safe haven, in our home and in my heart, for these precious gifts of mine.

Introverted Mom

The more kids I have, the more I cherish the quiet moments. I find that I get in my flow state, thinking my thoughts and dreaming my dreams. The silence envelops me and I get lost inside myself. There aren’t any complaints, arguments, or needs to attend to. Just me.

I want to find contentment in motherhood though, not just as myself with my own personal goals and dreams. I want to find that same level of happiness amidst the chaos, and with my kids. To actually sit on the floor with them and play a game. To take the time to notice those little moments of joy, and to cherish those as much as my quiet moments.

As an introvert, it makes sense that I get my energy from being alone. From delving deep inside myself and sorting life out. I want to take that energy and apply it to the hours as a mom, instead of viewing those mom hours as a drain of my energy. Because with kids, life isn’t quiet - and I wouldn’t want it to be. There would be something wrong if my kids didn’t fight, play, make noise or messes. They need to do all these things as kids, as they learn and grow up.

It’s a healthy sign that our house is full of life and noise, both the happy ones and the not so happy ones. It’s a good reminder for me to lower my expectations for the day. To really soak in those quiet moments when they happen, but to also allow the loud moments to fill a part of me that the quiet ones can’t.

Choosing To See Magic

Before you become a mom, there are ideas of how it will be. You think of the magic, the love; how incredible it will be to hold your own child. There is wondering of how it will go, but you don’t know what you don’t know, and the fear isn’t so big. You dream of the day that baby is born, of the day that baby will smile. All the milestones and all of the everydays in between. You can’t wait for motherhood to begin.

Then your first child is born, perhaps a second and third follow. It becomes your reality, this motherhood life. The everydays blur one into the next. Sometimes you stop and think, “The days fly by, but where do they go? What do I do with my time?” Perhaps you had postpartum depression. Maybe it was a colicky baby. Whatever it was, you lost the magic of motherhood. Life became just life, duller than you imagined it to be. The dreams of the future don’t come as easily and you become stuck in the monotony of the days. You feel a discordance with what you pictured before and what is now. Do you look with envy at the newly engaged, the newly married, the ones whose faces are glowing as they announce their due date? Do you wonder how they can be so happy, that they have no idea? When we have a vision of how something will be, it can be hard when it doesn’t turn out that way.

I look down at my baby boy, five months old and growing too fast. It’s so cliché because it’s so true! The lights from the Christmas tree reflect in his eyes as he reaches for the ornaments. It hits me in this moment, that there is magic here.

I used to feel angry – why didn’t anyone tell me it would be this hard? There were times that I would look at a newly married couple and wonder what happened to me – when did I become so bitter and hardened? But it’s merely shifting my perspective on life. Motherhood isn’t what I thought it would be and I have had to do much painful growing, but look at what I would’ve missed out on if I hadn’t taken that step.

I want to challenge you to find the magic again. This life may not be the picture-perfect idea that you had dreamed up, but find the beauty in this life that is yours. Choose to see the beauty in what is.

I Cry For Her

The tears stream

Silently

A breaking open

Inside.

Why do you cry

I ask?

I cry for her

She is sweet sixteen

Today,

And then no more.

She knows

Something changed

Inside

It’s unknown

She doesn’t think

It was the

Right choice

But she doesn’t know

How to

Correct it.

She fears

What this means

About her.

About life.

Where does she go

From here

Am I whole?

Am I tainted?

Our hearts break

Together.

Hers and mine.

We are the same.

Christmas In My Heart

Christmas has taken a different meaning since becoming a mom. I used to wait and wait and wait for the day that Santa would finally come, waking up as early as possible to climb down the stairs and see the goodies that were under the tree. I remember trying to stay up and spy on Santa, but those heavy eyelids would close before he came. The excitement, anticipation, and joy!

Christmas morning still brings the excitement of unopened gifts waiting under the Christmas tree. But more than that, it’s watching the sparkle and wonder in my children’s eyes as they see what Santa brought them the night before. Their joy is so innocent; their belief in that magical man with a red suit and white beard is so true. It’s contagious – I can’t help but feel the magic myself.

It also makes me think of Mary, of the birth of Jesus. She was in a stable, delivering her child. No luxury, no doctors, nothing. And yet when I picture her holding her precious baby boy, her face shines with peace and joy. This is the true meaning of Christmas. A celebration of Jesus’ birth. Peace. Love. Joy. Contentment with what is. It’s being together with family and those you hold dear. It’s not about the biggest present under the tree, or an overstuffed stocking. It’s not the things that bring happiness, it’s the giving of them. Giving from a place of love.

In the weeks leading up to Christmas, it can be hard for me to get into the spirit. There are always so many daily to dos, plus Christmas preparations on top of that, that it’s easy to get lost in the busyness. I’m preparing all the things and I forget to stop and think about what I’m actually preparing for.

I was sitting in the church bench a few weeks ago, listening to the little kindergarten kids sing Away In A Manger. Tears came to my eyes at the little voices singing so beautifully. A little off tune, not necessarily in time with the organ, but they were singing with their whole hearts. The sound was so true. That was a moment when I truly felt Christmas in my heart. It’s a feeling of peace, of contentment. Of love.

May you find Christmas in your heart this season.

Merry Christmas!

Why I Share My Story

I don’t share my story for pity.

I don’t share it so that you view me as “the mom with depression”.

Not so that I would be known.

I share it because I believe that moms of families both big and small can enjoy motherhood. That it is possible to prioritize mental wellness as we raise our families. That we can create time for ourselves, to take care of ourselves. To put the work in because we want to, because we love our children, and to not give up when it gets hard. To take control of our thoughts and see how that can change our view of life. To actually apply all of these tools instead of just consuming them. To be mentally well, rather than simply not mentally ill.

This isn’t just love your life, follow your passion, and live your dreams. It’s more than that, deeper than that. It’s living from a place of love and wellness. Of accepting the bad with the good. Of not beating ourselves up when we fail, yet again. It’s working through the hard things. Not staying in the dark places, but finding our way to the light and savoring the lightness.

It is hard work to lift the darkness off, but it is so worth it. To keep fighting every time the darkness threatens to swallow. This is why I share my story, that others could find parts of themselves in mine. To take what resonates with them and apply it.

To find hope and courage to move forward.

There is power in telling our stories. In rewriting our stories, with us not as the victim of our lives.

This is why.

The White Snowmobile

The snow is flying behind him as he speeds across the open field. His white snowmobile gleams in the sparkling snow. Nothing ahead of him for miles, as he presses harder on the throttle and the engine roars. The thrill of speed and the cold air that is hitting his face. He grins at the glory of this moment.

“Mom! Look at my new white snowmobile!” He yells to me across the living room. I sit on the couch feeding Sebs, enjoying watching his imagination come to life. In reality, he sits in a footrest turned upside down, the legs of it being his handlebars. But I know that in his mind, it truly is a beautiful snowmobile, top of the line. In his mind this is real.

It’s amazing to watch them play, their imaginations soaring. There really are no limits here - Want to go on a lion safari in Africa? Let’s go! Should we head up moose hunting? Or maybe to Florida? Let’s go fishing! The rug is the water now, quick! Get in the boat or you will sink to the bottom of the lake!

One simple item, such as a footrest, holds so many possibilities. There is no room for boredom when there are endless opportunities all around them.

Do you dream, without any limits? Do the daily items around you inspire you with their limitless possibilities? It’s so easy to become stuck in life. What we see is what we get; this is what our life is. But to look at the same routine that we’ve been in and find a different way. To see if we can create a new option.

Find your own version of that gleaming white, top of the line snowmobile and let your imagination go!