A Mother's Guilt

The contrast in emotion. How is it possible to feel such extremes all at the same time?

Excitement for time away; time to myself, to be on my own schedule.

The ripping feeling as I say bye to them. It’s so important for each one to give me a hug, to make sure they say I love you, to hear the gospel.

Am I actually doing this? Am I actually taking this next step towards my dream? Who am I to think I can do this? Is this the right decision, the right choice not only for me but for our family? How will I survive a week without my baby? My breasts are already full, missing him. Ready to hold him close.

And yet of course I’m excited to go. So ready to go. To learn something new, to experience this training. Taking this next step toward my dream of creating my business. Of creating impact in the lives of one of the most important jobs, and so often undervalued by ourselves – motherhood.

The worry of will they be okay without me? To hope that they will be okay without me, but also that they will still need me in their lives after this, right?

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I feel the tingling in my chest, a sure sign that 3000 miles east of me Sebs is ready to eat. I sit down to pump again, and my heart is aching. Why is he not here with me? I should be holding him in my arms as I nurse him, not just extracting the milk from my body with this machine. What did I do? What kind of a mom am I? How easy it is to immediately start questioning myself, doubting myself, beating myself up. What kind of a mom leaves their nursing baby for a week?

That guilt. That mom guilt. It loves to come sneaking up on us in whatever form it can. You’re not enough. You’re too much. You should be with them all the time. What kind of a mom are you? You’re ruining your kids. You should be better.

Does this guilt serve a purpose? Does it justify me in some way? If I’m away from my kids, and I feel guilty for not being with them, does that make me a ‘better’ mom than if I was simply enjoying my time away?

DOES THIS EVEN MAKE ANY LOGICAL SENSE?

And yet I’m here. And they are there. I refuse to squander this week, beating on myself or feeling guilty for having come. I am choosing to trust that this is happening at exactly the right time and in the right way for my life.

I know that soon I will be back with them again, back in the daily grind. And I will wonder why on earth I wasted even a single moment feeling guilty for being gone.

So I’m choosing to not feed that guilt while I’m here, and yes. I can’t wait to get back to my babies.