Love Letter To You
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Have you ever had something that was your complete heart, and then you lost it? And the grief that you felt over losing it was enough to break you in two?
This is the pain of postpartum depression.
I always wanted to be a mom. It was my biggest dream.
But then I was a mom, and it was the last thing I wanted to be.
I thought I had made a mistake – I shouldn’t have gotten married.
I was angry. I felt like I had been deceived – someone should have told me this is how it would be.
I thought something was wrong with me that I felt this way – did anyone else have such a hard time?
I hated my life – my kids, my husband, where I lived.
And most of all, I hated myself for feeling this way – I should be more grateful.
I felt like my dream had been ripped from my hands, unjustly.
I didn’t know what to do or where to go.
I knew that in the long run, I wanted to stay a mom, to stay believing.
But for today, I couldn’t see how. I didn’t have the energy to even want what I knew I wanted most.
The grief of that turned into depression.
Because what’s the point in moving forward, if what you want isn’t possible?
If you can’t have what it is that you most desire?
It felt easier to not feel. To curl up in a ball and just go to sleep.
To hope that it would just go away.
But I know that it doesn’t just go away.
If it worked, I would tell you to keep doing what you’re doing.
Instead, these are the words that I want to give you:
You aren’t ready to want a new life just yet. First, you need to grieve the old one. Let yourself.
Feel anger, grief, rage, depressed, hopeless. You can move through these emotions, because they aren’t who you truly are. I know that.
There is a difference between feeling angry and being angry. Learn to feel it without responding in it.
Open up to your husband. He’s trying to help you, because he loves you – truly loves you. The only reason you can’t see it is because you don’t love you.
Be gentle with yourself as you process this pain. Separate out what is true pain, and where you are layering suffering on top. Allow yourself to hurt.
You aren’t running behind. You aren’t missing out by allowing yourself to work through this. Take the time now so that you have more time on the other side of it.
Know that you won’t always feel this way. There is light on the other side of this that is brighter than you can even imagine. Keep going.
And lastly, you’ve got this. I know many days it feels like you really don’t – but you do.
You think that postpartum depression is the reason you can’t be the mom that you always thought you would be – I know that it’s the reason you will be.
