Self Pity and Self Blame

Today has been one of those days. I haven’t had a day like this in a very long time.

This Q is bringing me back: Where in my life am I not taking full ownership?

It’s not an easy question to answer – we don’t want to look for all of the ways that we aren’t taking responsibility in our lives. We don’t want to see all of the ways that we are blaming others, blaming ourselves.

As I began to answer this question though, this is where I ended up: I’m either feeling sorry for myself or blaming myself.

Pity or blame.

No ownership, no responsibility.

No evaluating and thinking about possibilities to improve.

Either it’s not my fault and there’s nothing I can do, or over to the other extreme of it’s all my fault and I should know better.

Recognize that both are a choice, and that neither of these serves us.

But what I want to point out here, is that while pity is fairly recognizable, blame tends to be harder to spot.

We know when we are feeling sorry for ourselves, but it’s not always easy to see when we are blaming ourselves. Because it’s just how we talk to ourselves. It’s how we’ve always talked to ourselves.

It feels so true, so justified.

Of course I should be better.

I shouldn’t feel this way.

It’s always me – I’m the problem.

And yet just like pity, blame never gets us to change. It doesn’t produce a useful emotion.

So ask yourself that question, and answer it.

Get curious about your answers, but also get curious about what you think about your answers.

This gets a little bit meta – but you guys know me, I’m all about the meta.

Notice where you need to add some more self compassion instead.

Notice where you need to take ownership and responsibility.

This is what it is, and this is what I want to do instead.

This is me, but it’s okay that it’s me.

I get to choose how to respond next time.

And you do.

Always.