Number Five

I found out today that you are growing inside my belly. So small, barely even there. But there is life inside of me, a little heart that is beating. The miracle of this strikes me again, that how is it possible? One day it’s just me in my body and the next there is a separate life beginning to grow.

Your dad and I were so happy to see that positive sign. Pregnant! Yet minutes later, the doubts started seeping in. Another baby? So soon? How will I do it? I can’t handle this. What if I miscarry? I don’t want to start a pregnancy if it’s going to end soon. I don’t want to go through that loss again.

But then I thought – Why do I have to focus on my fears and worries? Why can’t I just let myself be excited for this new baby?

So today, I am. I am so excited to know that you are something so tiny, but that you are there. It’s like I’m carrying a little secret around with me, something that you and I share but nobody else knows. Today I’m letting go of my fears of what could go wrong and worries about how everything will go. I am letting myself feel the joy and wonder at a new life inside of me.

I don’t know if I will carry you to term, I can’t say if everything will work out. But I will love you for as many days as I have you.

I pray that in several months I will start to feel your kicking; and that several months after that I will be big and uncomfortable and ready for you to be born. I hope that I will get to birth you and hold you close against my chest. That I will feel your heart beating against mine. I hope that I will get many precious days with you. I can’t say what God’s plan is, but each day that I have you I am blessed.

And for today, that is enough.