Who Am I Even?

Nic and I celebrated our sixth anniversary- how can it be six years ago already that we spent hours walking downtown Spokane taking pictures? How can it be six years since I walked down the aisle towards him, barely even remembering to focus on him because I was filled with thoughts of tripping over my dress, saying goodbye to my family, and everyone’s looking at me!

So much has happened in these years we’ve spent together, that the girl who said “I do” feels like a different person, someone separate from me. She was physically different- a flat(ish) belly with no stretch marks racing across it; ribs and hips were still those of a girl, narrow. She was also different on the inside- her mind was filled with grand ideas of how married life would be, how motherhood would be. She thought that being a wife and a mom were her greatest life ambitions, that was all she needed to be happy. She was light, free, and excited about the future that was just beginning. 

Four months out of these six years, I have been just me. The other sixty eight months I have been either pregnant or breastfeeding. Just think about that for a moment. All the changes that your body goes through-physically, emotionally, hormonally- during each pregnancy and postpartum period. And to think that I have been going through these changes most of our married life.. who am I even?! Does Nic even know the me that’s under this hormone roller coaster and flux of my belly? (Big, saggy, repeat.)

Sometimes I miss it, that body that was actually my own. No weird symptoms without a clear cause. (Pregnant?) I can't say I was less hormonal. We'll just leave it at that. I didn't have little hands on my legs at every hour of every day as I tried to accomplish tasks. It was just me.

But as I've heard before, my body tells the story of my children-it has grown, birthed and nourished them. Through all of these changes, my husband has been beside me. Loving me in all the different stages; my good days and bad days, just had a baby days, early pregnancy tiredness days- everything. I guess it's not that there is a real me hiding underneath the changing seasons -this is me now. 

My body also tells the story of me, how I have grown through birthing and raising these children. Of learning how to multitask, to take responsibility for more than just me. Of learning how to care for these littles, and to love them. Motherhood has made me me.