Six Babies, Four Kids

I don’t usually think about that. I’ve had 6 babies, but I have 4 kids that wake up each morning with rumpled hair, sleepy smiles, and warm bodies that press close to me for a hug. I have 4 kids to dress for the day, pile into the van, read books to, and tuck in bed every night. The other two are little angel babies, looking down on us from a better place.

The first one I never heard the heartbeat. This pregnancy I wasn’t quite ready for. I had two babies and I felt that how can I handle a third? I don’t have room for another one. The bleeding started after a particularly hormonal day and I just knew that I was miscarrying. I felt grief, some relief, and guilt for feeling the relief. I felt sad that I would never meet the little human that had started growing inside me. I worried that the baby had somehow sensed my doubts. I worried about everything, maybe this had caused my miscarriage? Or if I hadn’t done that, maybe I wouldn’t have miscarried?

My second one that I lost was also around 6-8 weeks. What I thought was my period starting was actually implantation bleeding. I was completely knocked off my feet when I found out that I didn’t have 4 weeks before getting pregnant, I was in fact already 4 weeks along. It took me a couple days of laying on the couch with no motivation for anything, before I allowed myself to be happy and prepare space in my mind for baby number four. I was getting back on my feet when the bleeding and cramping started for the second time in my life. I never heard the heartbeat of that baby either. I remember getting called to my family doctor’s office and walking down the hall to his actual office instead of one of the examination rooms. I sat across from him and watched his face as he told me, “There was no heartbeat. We got the ultrasound results, and they didn’t find the heartbeat.” My mind went to the day before, the ultrasound tech asking how many weeks I thought I was, and asking how sure I was that I was 8 weeks along. I tried to analyze my emotions- am I sad? Heartbroken? Relieved? Guilty? All the feelings coursing through me, but there I sat in the doctor’s office- feeling everything but feeling numb.

Looking at my four healthy beautiful children, I can’t help but wonder what those other two would be like. What would their smiles have been like? Would they have dimples winking out on one side like two of their siblings? What would their personalities have been? Would they be go-getters or more laid back? Who would they have looked like- maybe they would’ve had my blue eyes or Nic’s green ones? I will never know their quirks, their sleep habits, what they liked to eat. I will never see their eyes light up when they look at me, or feel their arms around my neck. I will never be able to kiss their owies away.

I miss them, even though I never got to meet them. My arms crave to hold them close to me, to feel their warmth and the slow rise and fall of their breathing. But I can trust that they are in a better place and in better care. I will meet them there someday.