I Am Not My Depression

When I say that I struggle with depression, I don’t want that to become my identity. I am not just a “depressed person” – there is so much more to me than the fact that I struggle with my mental health. It is a part of me, in the way that I am a mom of five kids; it is one area of my life, not all encompassing. I tell you this so that it may help you understand me a little more, so that you might know where I’m coming from. That you might be able to understand a part of the lens through which I view my world.

When the depression hits the hardest, and I feel hopeless. Dark. Bleak. It is so difficult to separate myself from my depression. We feel like one and the same – those dark thoughts are me and therefore what is the point? Then as I slowly free myself from the tight grip, I begin to separate the thoughts and emotions of depression from myself. I can pinpoint – That is me. That is how I feel. How I want to be. And that right there is not me – that is the depression talking.

With learning to separate comes a letting go of the shame. The shame of feeling inadequate. The shame of feeling like a bad mother. The shame of feeling like I am ruining my children. I am able to talk more openly about my experiences because the depression isn’t me.

I want to raise my children with love and compassion. I want to spend time with them on my lap, reading a book or simply sitting with nothing to do. There are times when I am so far inside of my own head, battling the depressive thoughts, that I’m not able to do this. When the depression takes all of my energy and there isn’t room for anything else besides my own suffering.

And that’s okay. I get to decide what I make that mean about me. I get to decide if struggling with depression means that my whole life is bad and will never be good; or I get to decide that sometimes I have depression and those days are what they are. The next day I will pick back up where I left off, still working towards being the kind of mom, wife, woman, friend that I want to be.

Those of you who have felt this, you know. You know the dark places that exist within us. But do you also know that we are more than our depression? That we are able to move through it, not just stay in that place?

I can’t truthfully say that I am glad for my experience of depression – it’s not easy to be grateful for the struggles in life. But what I can say is that there are things I am grateful for, because of my depression. Reaching these lows in motherhood has made me realize the importance of reaching out, of opening up about what we experience. It has taught me the importance of leaning on my husband, of sharing how I’m feeling. And friendships – we need those heart friends, who get us. Who will sit with us during our inner battle, but will also show us the way past it when we are ready to take that next step. It has taught me true compassion for others hardships. And of course it has shown me the beauty of not being trapped in an inner battle; those times when I feel like myself, how truly glorious they are.

When you are feeling at your worse, I want to remind you of these words:

You are more than your depression.