End Of The Day Guilt

The kids are all tucked in upstairs, cozy in their warm beds. I reheat my cup of coffee, grab (yet another) chunk of chocolate and go sit on the couch. The happenings of today run through my mind, like a black and white film.

A flash of red in the footage catches my eye. Oh, that was when I had a spaz over the spilt cereal bowl this morning. Nice. Then another spot of red catches my eye; Emerson kept asking me to read his book as I was busy doing laundry. Really good. The film continues to play through the whole day, but it’s more like a black, white, and red all over film.

I start to criticize myself. Why? Why do I always have to react to situations? Why can’t I learn to be more calm, cool, and collected? I said this when I should’ve said that. And right there, I really didn’t set a good example for how we behave. Good job, Gloria. Great job.

How many times have I told myself that tomorrow I’ll be a better mom. Tomorrow I will be more patient, more kind, more loving. Yet the next day, I find myself stuck in that same reel. I know this role, and even though it’s not how I want to be, I go back to this pattern because it’s comfortable. I tell myself I want to change, to be better.

But change is hard! It takes conscious thought, being intentional in everything. It’s too easy to slip into the known sequence, the automatic behaviors.

So again, I make myself run through that same reel of today. And I pick out the bits of yellow that I didn’t see before when I was so focused on all the red. There. I wanted so badly to yell when I tripped over that stupid toy that was laying in the middle of the floor, but I just breathed deeply. And there – I finally read Emerson his book after I finished the laundry, even though I wanted to get started on my own book.

It’s so easy to focus on where I failed and what I could’ve done better. But that doesn’t get you anywhere except feeling bad about yourself. Instead, look for the times that you did try to do something differently and the small victories. Focus on those and how much better it made you feel. Slowly but surely it will become more natural.

Plus, that’s what forgiveness and a fresh day tomorrow are for.