Going Deep
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Many times, it feels easier to stay on the surface instead of going deep.
When we see an old friend, it feels safer to small chat than to ask how it’s going after their brother gave up his faith.
Or it feels easier to make small talk with your sister in law instead of addressing the tension you’ve felt with her lately.
This doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you or that you aren’t a deep person.
Of course your brain doesn’t want to go there.
Of course you feel the resistance, anxiety, or awkward.
We don’t always know what they’ll say, where the conversation will go, or how we will feel. Which, to our brain, is s.c.a.r.y.y.
It feels like there's so much out of our control.
We worry about what they’ll think, or maybe we even think They don’t want to go deep like I do.
But what if they do?
What if the only thing is that they don’t know how to?
I was listening to one of Brene Brown’s podcasts the other day, and she was talking about how necessary it is to learn how to Skill Up.
Most of us want to know how to talk about the harder things.
We want the connection that comes with it – we just don’t always know how.
Here are some of my favorite ways to let go of that resistance and have the heart-to-heart.
Be honest with yourself first. How am I feeling? What is true for me? What is important to discuss here? When you know where you’re starting from, it makes it easier to start. Simple but true.
Be willing to be vulnerable. I’ll go first. We all want them to go first – to say the hard thing, to open up the conversation. But what if you were willing to go first – every time?
You need to know you’re safe. If you don’t feel safe to share or be vulnerable, the conversation will not go how you imagine. Get clear on what unsafe feels like for you, and notice when it comes up. Sometimes it’s a signal from your body to not share, and you actually don’t want to share. But sometimes it’s simply a signal that your brain is afraid of what they might think of you. Learn what that feels like, and then question if you want to follow through anyway.
Notice when you’re layering over the truth with more fluff. Again – it’s just your brain trying to stay safe. It’s okay when it happens, but know that it isn’t creating connection.
Do it for you, not for their response. Some people will want that connection, and the truth of it is that some want it less. That’s okay – it doesn’t mean that you’re weak for needing it, or that they’re wrong for not wanting it. Do it because it’s important to you.
Detach your worth from it. Read above: When they don’t respond how you think they should, it means nothing about you. Hold yourself through all of it.
Let go of what they think. When you're wrapped up in what they think, you will feel anxious every time. The only person you're in charge of, is you.
Be willing to mess it up/not get it right/ let it be awkward. It’s totally fine. It can be messy and imperfect and feel dumb and foolish. Totally fine. Do it anyway.
What do you find hard about opening up and talking about what’s actually on your mind?
